Tuesday, December 18, 2012 Our Boys...

It has alreday been a long week and it's only Tuesday. Poor Ethan has been very sick so I've been home with him. Hate seeing my boys so sick but he seems to be on the up side. But it was two long nights of little sleep while he was running a 104.6 fever. The first night at 4am I was not good, he was shaking, fever 104.6 and I couldn't decide what to do and it was all up to me to decide. So I decided to breathe and know that I just needed to give it time since he was still drinking. But laying there it just made it all so much more reality, these two boys are Derek's and mine, nobody else. Of course their grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends love them dearly but when it comes to the mom and dad decisions, it is now all mom decisions. Nobody else has that connection to them then me, all me, it was always suppose to be Derek and me doing this together, that was the plan and that was how it was suppose to be. But I am learning that now it's me for my boys. It was a very hard reality to look at in that way, just weird the different ways things will shake you some days.

Friday, December 14, 2012 Christmas for us...

I love the Christmas season, the sights and sound and smells that come with this time of year. But, for our family there is a touch of melancholy that hangs in the air.
It is Grief!!!
A few Christmas's ago we were decorating our home and buying presents for the boys and never imagined our life could be any different or better. As of July 2, 2011 that all changed, there is now a huge hole in our family, lives and Christmas season. The emptiness that matches the empty spot of his stocking on the manual. We still have a joyful family and love Christmas but there will always be one less of us to celebrate these earthly holidays and an emptiness I can't describe in words.
The sad thing is that we are not alone, I have met way too many women, men and children that will be remembering a loved one this Christmas season and missing them just as we miss Derek. And my heart aches for each of us especially during this time of the year. As we celebrate Christ's birth, I can not help but know that my God knows the grief I bear. So as we take time to look back and remember Derek we also will take time to look ahead at our life and the plan God has for it from here on out. As hard as that is for me to trust, that is what I have to hold onto, trust that God has a plan for us and will always catch us when we fall to our knees. We will smile, laugh and cry this holiday season but we continue to get stronger and continue to move forward. We know that Derek is celebrating in an amazing place this year for the second time, as hard as that is to wrap our head around we have to find some peace in that fact.
Please pray for my family this Christmas season and any other family that is out there bearing the grief that we have. I can never explain in words this difficult world we live in but we do it because we have no other choice. The boys miss their wonderful father every day, they know what they are missing so much that it hurts me so deep but they also remember what a wonderful father they had and they are happy they have those memories. So I will continue to grow, to find our life and what it is suppose to be as I wipe my baby boys tears and make them smile and laugh. I thank God every day for the dear friends that Derek and I have, the text, the cards and the special little treats that all come at the time they are needed most mean more then anyone can imagine.