Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Another year has come and gone, they seem to fly by so fast anymore. I guess I'm mixed if that is good or bad. It has been a good year for the boys and I, we continue to heal, grow and learn things along the way. I've enjoyed some extra time off with the boys during the holidays which was much needed but I am ready for the holidays to

be over. Holidays are just a hard time no matter if its been one, two or three years. I can't believe this is our third Christmas, we had a little more peace this year and the boys seemed to really enjoy it. That helped me enjoy it more. 

I try to count all the blessings in my life and focus on that then think of all we have lost. That is not always the easy thing to do but its how I keep going forward. 

Sunday, December 1, 2013 Holidays...

I try to look at things in a positive way these days, can't always say that is easy. The holidays are upon us and they just are still very hard. 

I was reading my personal journal tonight and I had an entry around our first Thanksgiving and it helps me to see how far I've come but yet how far I still have to  go in some things...

November 2011 I wrote to you that I couldn't do this anymore without you. I am trying to turn it all over to God but I fight it every day. I don't talk to him anymore and I never look up. I want to change that but don't know how to get this voice out of my head saying really Coni you believe this. Why would this happen? Why? What if??? 

Back then I was still asking so many questions and had so much anger at God but I was so far from understanding anything. Not saying I understand anything better except that I trust that in it all God did not make this happen and no matter what he has my back. I will never get the answers to the questions I ask myself so many times. It is such a hard journey that nobody understands till they have been there and even then it is different for each one. Its a scary and lonely journey that you just keep moving forward on. Every little thing in my life has changed since that day, and I mean every single little thing and that is a very hard part. Tomorrow will be 29 months/885 days since our life was shattered, I was talking to a friend the other day about time, time does help us heal but the bigger that number getting it brings a whole new flood of feelings that are hard to explain. I know how far we all have come and I know for a fact that I am lucky to be walking and doing things since that day but luck is a hard word to use sometimes. 

It was a good Thanksgiving with family and friends. We smiled and laughed. All the wonderful text that I received from old  and new friends and family meant so much, each one was so much needed.