Thursday, June 27, 2013 Rest...

"Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way whead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.
I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company. breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The higheest level of trust is to enoy Me moment by moemnt. I am with you, wathcing over you wherever you go."

That was my devotional read this morning, good one!!! Not much to say but to please continue to keep me and my family in your prayer. Even when we are smiling and taking life as it comes it is still a daily struggle to live this life. It is ours to live everyday, and it is not always an easy one. There is no just getting back to our life after losing Derek, it is rebuilding it daily and learning how to handle and raise two amazing little boys in this world. It is scary, sad, happy and exciting all mixed up in a bundle. So even when you see us and think we are doing good, which we are just remember we still need your prayers because our journey is still bumpy on days. I thank the wonderful people that I have in my life, because without them and God I don't know if I could do this everyday.

Enjoyed watching the storms with Garret last night on the back porch, something we all use to do together. Garret is an amazing little boy and growing way to fast.

Monday, June 24, 2013 Live Today...

What if you knew how long you had to live?? What would you do different today or tomorrow? Who would you call and tell you loved them or tell them how much they mean in your life?? What would you want people to remember about you? Words are so powerful!!! Some of Derek and my last words to each other that day when he put my helmet back on me on that little corner in Bardstown where "I love you" and I will never forget that. You NEVER know what tomorrow will bring!!!
None of us know how long we have but we should live every day like it's our last in the fact that we should never take anything for granted in this life. God has given each of us our journey in this life to live, that journey can change in the choices we make but he is always there to help put us in the right direction. We all have struggles and obstacles to over come in life and we each as individuals make choices on how we deal with those and how we let them effect us. I try to remember every day to be thankful for every little thing in my life, the people I love and the new things in my life that make me smile just to think that life is going to be okay. I know that it is not always easy to look at it that way and I have my times I struggle and I still have my times I want to give up still just because I want to say this isn't supposed to be my life and I don't want to do this anymore because I am tired. But that is not a choice that I let take over. Even on the days that you are in a little daze, or angry with God for your life not being or going a way you think it should, that is when you have to pray more and trust that God has this. It is far more then just what you think it should be. I can tell you even in my life and the journey I am on that I have hope, healing and see blessings in my life more then I could have ever imgined. Never will mean that you are thankful for what brought you to this point but it means that you cherish everything because of what you have lost, loved and learned along the way.

Friday, June 21, 2013 Progress...

It's always interesting and helps me to look back at my past post and I do it from time to time before I start posting a new one. I looked back and I have a post from June 21, 2012 last year and it talked about a dream and the weird thing is that I didn't remember it till I just read it. Makes me glad I have this blog to look back on and see where I have came from, all the process of my journey and help me know that even when I still have a hard day from time to time that I have came so far. That is why I have been trying to
Things are good, I have been having my days with ups and downs but I think it is me trying to figure out where I am in this between stage of my life. It's hard to blend it all together and feel comfortable with trusting that things will fall into place. I try to blend my old life, my life now and where I see my life going, a little of each I try to keep close but not try to control where it is going. I like to look ahead now, I remember a time that I couldn't look past today or tomorrow or next week. Now I look further and I enjoy seeing my boys grow and heal. It will never be easy to know that their father is not here where he should be to see it from this point and be a part of it but I know he is looking over us and smiling that we are okay and living the life we were given.
I enjoyed some time with my boys last night and seeing them smile, laugh and be kids. They are doing so good it amazes me. I mean they have their moments just like I do but all in all they know that we have to continue to live and they know that their Dad is watching over them from heaven.

Sunday, June 16, 2013 Father's Day 2013...

Father's Day is never the same... Day started out good and we had a good day but it was just a day, not much more then that. These are the moments and days that my heart aches for my boys and I fight the anger of why? what if? and all those questions. So with that I will try to comment on the good that we had because I'm not much with sharing my thoughts and feelings right now.

Derek was an amazing Father to his two boys. The biggest goal he had in life was to give his boys the Father he never got at a young age. He was amazing with them and a lot of time as big of a kid as they were. Silly, fun and always ready to play even when he was tired. Both our boys looked up to Derek probably even more then he ever realized. We miss him every day!!! Happy Father's Day Derek!!! 

Friday, June 7, 2013 Value Life...

“God knows your value; He sees your potential. You may not understand everything you are going through right now. But hold your head up high, knowing that God is in control and he has a great plan and purpose for your life. Your dreams may not have turned out exactly as you’d hoped, but the bible says that God’s ways are better and higher than our ways, even when everybody else rejects you, remember, God stands before you with His arms open wide. He always accepts you. He always confirms your value. God sees your two good moves! You are His prized possession. No matter what you go through in life, no matter how many disappointments you suffer, your value in God’s eyes always remains the same. You will always be the apple of His eye. He will never give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself.”

This little saying I have had for a long time and I sometimes go back to it and read it to help myself remember that I have to trust in things and not worry about the things I can not change or control. It still amazes me on how much this life and journey is full of it's ups and downs and how I continue to battle trusting that things will be okay and knowing that I have to relax a little and not overthink everything but that is just part of who I am and it needs improvement. Had a few bumpy days but as always I have bounced back with help of friends of course that are there anytime I need them to just listen or tell me to relax a little and enjoy the wonderful gifts I do have in my life. I don't know and I can not know where this journey will take me but so far I can't complain because in all that our family has had to deal with since July 2, 2011 we have seen and have had blessings happen in our life. It will never change the fact that the horrible day changed our life or that we miss Derek everyday but it reminds us that we have to hold our heads up high and live this life and don't ever take even one breath or blessing for granted. Life is good for our boys and me, we have settled into our new "norm" or this "chapter" of our life. I like this chapter and the direction my journey is going these days and I will continue to take it a day at a time. I have days I miss my old chapter but I know that was my life and there is no changing what happened, I will cherish the life I had always and never regret the time I had Derek in my life even if it was cut way too short but because of that life and the things Derek taught me I will live the life I have been given to live. I will have days or moments, I will fall down but I will always get back up and continue forward. Because this is our life, we were given it to live and we will live to the fulliest.

Monday, June 3, 2013 Along the way...

Encyclopedia defines GRIEF is a mulit-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, coginitive, behavorial, social, and philosophical dimensions.
Some days the grief will hit you like a tons of bricks and it seems like it just happened yesterday and then there are days that you get through the day without the pain hitting, I am guessing that it will always be like that. I have been asked by different people when I feel that you get over grief, well I don't think you ever do. Time does not end the grief or stop the pain of losing someone you love. My new "normal" is part of my regular life, it is good and I am starting new chapters but some days it seems like I am watching from a different view. Like there is no way I can be doing this and living this life. Time does not make the grief go away it just helps you heal and helps it get easier but it is always there. Time is just a reason for the rest of the world to think you are all healed and over your grief but that's not how it works for us who live it. I will admit that time does help, it does make the pain less raw, it makes the memories easier to smile at and cherish. It helps me cherish every moment of time that I have now with the people that I love.
For me as I've said before it is the anxiety that gets me everytime, my mind can put me into a crazy spin that makes me feel like I can't breathe. Just the past couple weeks I have been getting a lot of anxiety about Sunday June 2nd (23 months) and the 2 year mark coming up. But once Sunday came I was okay, I had a good day and didn't really think about it much during that day. Of course it would pop in my head here and there but all and all I was good. It is just a date, I don't miss him any more that day then I do any other day that goes by.
I have learned that everyone's grief is different and everyone has to deal with it in their own way and it will make you the person you are in the end. I am not the same person I was two years ago, there is good and bad to that. I miss the old me sometimes, not being scared of things and having that security. But I also like who I am now and I try to embrace it everyday. I try not to let the grief and Derek's loss to take anymore from me and our boys then it already has. But there are days that I can't believe that life is what it is without him. I look too far ahead at our boys life without their father in it and all the things he wanted to do with them. But in the end it will be okay, we will be okay.