Monday, February 26, 2014 Staying Straight...

Not always an easy thing to stay on a good calm path, this journey is full of waves of grief and feelings of all kind. It effects every thought, feeling and thing you do the rest of your life. That can sometimes be a good effect or a bad effect. I miss the feeling that everything would always be okay, that imaginary world that we all live in until the loss of someone close to us happens and complete crushes everything you ever believed in and thought could never touch you. It's a profound feeling of instability like nothing will ever be stable anymore and with time it passes a little but still comes on from time to time. You no longer know what stable is but you find your way and a new outlook and with a lot of praying God helps you find your way. He bring people into your life to help you learn, love and live is this new normal that you have been handed.
The waves come at different times and I can never tell when they will come or go! It's like when you watch the waves on the beach. You can see them roll in and with each wave it take some of the sand and makes it fresh. With my grief the waves do leave healing and a fresh feeling that is was a stage I had to go through but I always wonder if the waves will ever slow or stop. I don't think they will and I am okay with that, I will deal as they come and know that is where God and Derek are to comfort me along this journey.
I try to remember in these times to learn what I can and let myself feel it, rather it is sad, anger or whatever. You have to let yourself feel to get through it. I've had better days but I've also seen a lot worse. I don't have everything I want but I do have what I need to live a good life. I have to remember even when I wake up with some aches and pains rather be emotionally or physically that
I woke up. I am here for a reason and my life is far from prefect but I am very blessed.

Thursday, February 20, 2014 Bald Head...

Rough night, was watching the Olympics with the boys and there was a story about this girl that died on the half pipe 2 years ago after getting her sport into the games. She was married and young, just hit her head the wrong way. It is sad and I guess just got to me. So I put the boys to bed as we do every night, gather in Garret's bed to hold hands and say our prayers. It breaks my heart so much for our boys, we miss Derek everyday but it hurts my heart so much to see them grow without him and miss out on so much. I hate it for them and I don't know if I can ever understand. 

I was standing in the Federal Express Kinkos today to ship something for work and out of the corner of my eye something made my heart stop and at first I didn't know why. Then I turned and there was this guy standing at the photo machine about Derek's height with a Bald Head, I just caught his bald head out of the corner of my eye and it made me stop. It was a weird feeling and I use to do that in the store all the time when I would catch a glance at someone with that shaved head like Derek's. 

In the end I have to dry my tears, say my prayers and go to sleep so I can get up tomorrow and take care of our boys and put a smile on. Most days we got this and do really good no matter how much we miss Derek we know we can't change it and we have to live for him. But my heart always hurts for my boys in a way I can't even explain in words. 

They interviewed the parents and husband of this girl I was talking about and her mom said something that I have said before. 

I say the worse thing that ever happened to me was losing Derek but really the worse thing would have been never having him at all. I have said that in the past even on my hardest days and it hit close to hear someone else use the same kind of words. Guess its the things we tell ourselves and believe to help us heal but it is true. I am blessed to have had Derek for the time I did and as much as it hurts to see my boys grow without their wonderful father I know that they will be okay because of the father he was. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014 Soccer Days...

It was a weekend of ballgames for us, four total and it was enough to completely exhaust me. The boys love it and I love seeing them play. It was really fun on Sunday we showed up early for our game and an older team was playing a game, the boys and I sat to the side and watched. I was telling them stories of when Derek use to play and how much I enjoyed watching him play. Derek loved indoor and outdoor and was really upset when he just couldn’t play as hard as he use to after his ACL surgery. He tried but he said if he couldn’t play with 110% then he didn’t want to play and he found himself holding back due to the reminder of his injury, it put a little fear in him to go through that again. And if you knew Derek he unfortunately did have much fear. I still thought he played great after the surgery but after cracking his brace down the middle after surgery he finallydecided it was not as fun playing and holding back. He wasn’t one that held back on anything at all. The boys enjoyed talking about Derek playing soccer and the stories, Ethan loves soccer and plays with heart, Ethan feels close to his daddy on the field. As far Garret he misses his dad on the field but still loves the sport but his heart is in basketball.  Garret is funny, he bounces the ball just like Derek did when he is shooting a free throw and even tosses it up in the air the same way. Those two boys are my heart and soul, can’t explain in words how much love I have for them and how blessed I am to have them. I am proud as can be of both of them and the little independent men they are turning into. They amaze me with the things they come up with and how very smart they are when it comes to things, they are findingtheir way, figure things and people out every day and enjoy life even after the many things they have had to face at their age.

Friday, February 7, 2014 Amazing Grace...

So I've been transferring videos to DVD so that I will have them for the boys. It is a mix of so many different feelings seeing some of our memories on tape. I am glad we have the vidoes and wish we had taped more.

One of the first that I tranferred was a Christmas in 1999 before we had  the boys, Maddie and Brent were so little, seeing you on there and then my dad walking around and Peyton so small, just is a lot to take. Then all the video of Garret and his rough start into this world. Our family has for sure had a lot to handle and deal with but we always made it through together. Now I have to make it without you by my side and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Most days I look in the mirror and think "I got this" but there are still so many moments that I don't know if another step is possible. 

There is one video that I took the picture attached to this blog from and it was when we were at Kosair Hospital when Garret was still really sick. You are singing to him, and in this picture you are singing Amazing Grace. That was one of the songs we played at your funeral, that's not how it is supposed to be. Those moments seem like yesterday and some days it feels like we blinked and here we are 12 years later but you are not with us and its a lot to handle and deal with.