Wednesday, January 23, 2013 Finding Some Peace...

I have been widowed for 18 months and 21days as of today and I have been writing on this blog for 16 months and 17 days. My first post was September 6, 2011 while I was in Baptist East Hospital to help keep everyone updated. I struggled with a name for it, nothing about family seemed right, nothing sounded right until a friend brought me a song "On A Cloud" and I will never forget, it was the first time I felt Derek close talking to me. I still have a hard time not falling to pieces every time I hear the song. I started this blog as a way to keep everyone informed about our boys and me but as I continued it with some encouragement it became more. It has mostly been a very good outlet for me, and I have been told that it's mostly a good place for widowed and non-widowed people to come and learn about our journey and maybe help them on their own. As of today this will be my 174 post since I started, there have been 11,417 page views from the US, India, Greece, Japan and France. But there have been times, more lately, when I wonder if I've run out of things to write or if this blog is even useful anymore. I still come here when I can't seem to talk to anyone and sometimes I can't even put it all on here but for some reason when I start typing it helps and I don't even know where it comes from some days.

It flowed from the raw pain that I had and the anger I held on to. I still have some of that but my pain isn't so raw any longer, Thank God. I don't think our pain can stay that raw, that intense, that...life-sucking, or we'd never survive it. I still have days that it is but I've found a little peace where God gives me time to breathe without the raw pain. He helps me smile at the memories instead of cry at them. I still have a long ways to go but I finally feel like I am getting there little by little, I see some light and I look forward to what God has in store for me even know I'm scared as hell.

No, I don't miss Derek any less than I did back then, It's just that his absence has become my new normal. I still miss him. Too much to describe, which is probably why I still get tears in my eyes when I do talk about how much I miss him. I still wish he was here, but I no longer spend hours a day wishing that. Because no matter how much I want it, that wish is not coming true. I have learned to look forward and live for today without him, even though I never wanted to...never planned to. I do not live in the past and I try not to look to far ahead in the future because that drives me crazy also.

I miss the me that I was before the accident, I am not the same person. I miss being settled, I miss being a wife and I miss the life before that horrible accident stole a husband, son, friend and father away from his family. The person before all the darkness, pain, fear and emptiness. I use to enjoy having fun, relaxed at any event, and laughed easily. I trusted people readily and had some patience with things and people. I wasn't afraid of life, love or much of anything.

Now I have had to overcome fear, pain and my patience is worst then ever toward people, things and life. But I am learning to handle it. I am learning to handle my Anxiety on my own. But I look and the new me has been strong enough to bury an amazing husband, fight for my life with every pain, surgery and struggle to walk again. I somehow managed to survive and rebuild from the emotional devastation of it all. I help my boys find their way every day to heal and live the wonderful life that Derek and I wanted for them. I've learned to hold on to people dear to me and appreciate every moment, every breath and every minute I have with the amazing people that are in my life. I am still scared of a lot but I refuse to let that control my life. I am still so afraid of losing someone that I desperately love. I've learned what is worth fighting about and over - and when to simply walk away. And life is getting a little easier. I know that I am a completely different person then I was before, some of that is not going to change and I will take the good with the bad. Because I did survive and I am fighting every day and I want our boys to know that no matter what life gives you that God will never leave your side even when you turn away from him, he will patiencely wait and continue to help you in the silence and that you are always stronger then you ever imagined!!!

Friday, January 18, 2012 20 Years...

Twenty years ago today I started at CED/E&H Electric and met James Derek Anderson, my soul mate for 20 years!!! You are missed and loved very much babe!!! You taught me so much about life, love and faith that I will hold dear to my heart forever. It is still so hard to believe that it is all possible.

Thursday, January 17, 2013 Friends and Thankful...

I've been thinking a lot the past week about where I am and how far we have come in almost 19 months. After a week of thinking, the biggest thing that stands out in my head tonight is being thankful that I had the people I did in my life when it shattered to pieces. Thankful is a hard word to use when you have lost what we have but that's completely what it comes down to, thankful that Derek was in our lives and thankful that we had the people we did in our lives. I would never be where I am or even alive if it wasn't for the friends I have, I don't even put the word family in there because my family are my friends. Looking back I am amazed at the things people stopped their life to do for me and as life moves on people get busy back in life and it makes me understand how much they did stop their life to save mine. I still talk to about everyone, might not be every day or every week but we always find time for a text, lunch or dinner at some point. The boys and I had dinner with a dear friend and his wife, we were talking about life and he was telling me that he never wanted to be a nuisance in our life as we rebuild and continue to heal. That they want to always be there but not to intrude. I can tell you none of my friends will ever be a nuisance or intrude on my life no matter where I am in my journey. Some people say they try to stand back so I can find my way but when I am struggling I tend to retreat so please never feel like you are intruding because some days those little text I still get are what pulls me out of the darkness sometimes.

I'm thankful for everyone that was and is a part of Derek, Garret, Ethan and my life. Thank you for standing by us during the darkest part. Derek would be so touched and proud of each and every one of you. You all know who you are and it was every little thing that was done that saved us and got all three of us to where we are today and where we continue to grow, heal and build our life.

It was the late night text when I wasn't ever sleeping in the hospital but trying to be quiet while my amazingly strong mother slept in my room almost every night. It is the people that came and let my mom have a break during those long days and nights. It was the unspeakable things that four women helped me get past in University during some of the most painful and horrible times. Sharing your own very personal stories with me to try and help me not lose faith and hope. Cornering doctors and making them answer questions that they didn't really want to. Leaving your families and coming to stay at my house and help me and our boys. Or after a long day at work and being completely worn out, still coming to the hospital to hold my hand or check on me. Bringing your kids just so that the boys never felt alone. The late night visits, early morning visits, painting my toes (except my big toe) and my nails to just make me feel better. Giving me a bath and shaving my legs. Rubbing the knots out of my legs when I couldn't lay still. Carrying me to the potty and picking me up when I would fall physically, emotionally and mentally. Feeding me pudding like I was a child because I refuse to eat and wanted to stop fighting. Not touching my toe, cutting socks just right to keep my foot warm but not to even be close to my toe or making sure it didn't get hit. Yelling at me when needed it or laying there holding me while I cried. Taking our wonderful boys and helping them know how much their daddy was loved and cherished. Buying me clothes to fit around my bar, to taking pictures and taking care on picking out Derek and my plots at Duncan. Finding ways to cover that horrible bar when I first couldn't even look down at it. Finding me teddy grahams to eat after every pill that went down. Going to every floor until you found a HoHo for me to eat because that was all I wanted. Spending your date night with your husband or wife in my room to talk and make me laugh or just bringing your dinner up to eat with me. Coming at any time of the night or day when I said I needed you. Vowing to call me every night to make sure we were both dealing okay. To just the simple little visits!!!
I remember the first day I spent alone in the hospital, it was Baptist East about 2 1/2 months into this it was the very first time I had even a minute of time without someone by my side. It was a very hard day, I screamed and cried for the first 2 hours, it was the lonest most painful moment. I yelled at Derek because he promised me he would always be there and there I was alone on my own. It was the most deep raw pain, scared as hell and just down right horrible. But I got through it and I realized that as long as I have my family and friends in my life, I will always have Derek in my life and I will never be alone. Granted it is not the same but it goes further and deeper then I could ever imagine. And when you hit rock bottom well that and faith is what brings you back to the surface to just breath.
We will never forget and life will never be the same without Derek in it, it was a better place with his amazing personality, his smile and laugh. Wow miss those so much but he lives in everyone of us now and he is so smiling down on us even know I know he is missing each and every one of us as much as we miss him. And as much as it still to this day takes my breath at some moments or brings me to my knees, I know that I am who I am because of Derek being in my life, he made me a better person because of who he was. So please make sure to think of him often, live a happier and strong life in God because of Derek, that would mean more then anything to him.

Tuesday, January, 15, 2013 Learning Every Day...

Still at my age I continue to learn things, about people, about life and about myself. Guess that's part of life but at some point you think you would know how things work, or you think you know people. But as I've said before everyone has their own journey that makes them who they are and I continue to learn things because of the things I go through and others around me. I have even learned from other peoples situations that don't even involve me, which I think a lot of that is because I look at things differently these days. You never know yourself completely and no matter what you never know other people as well as you think you do. People will love you, hurt you and just down right surprise you some times but you have to just pick it all up, learn a lesson and keep moving forward. I've done this many times and I have told others to do this. It's just hard to see the people you care about hurt and not be able to help or fix it but in the end sometimes it's not your problem to fix and no matter how much you care, it doesn't always help. We all had a good weekend, had some family time and mom even had some very nice and much needed me time which felt very nice. We are getting to a good place these days. So enough about what all is spinning in my head!
Update on my amazing boys, they are growing so much in height, weight and independence. They are eating me out of house and home these days. Garret is an amazing little man who continues to grow, be more independent and is just a kind hearted boy. He's enjoying his Xbox & New Phone these days since it's cold outside but continues to improve in basketball which he is still playing. His treatment with his Hirschsprungs in going well, we are on every three days but of course as he eats more we may have to adjust some. Ethan is doing good, he is opening up more to Garret and me about missing his dad, we just have to let it be on his terms and time, can't push that boy to do anything to fast. He is as hard headed as me and as smooth as his father. Ethan is also enjoying all the new Xbox games, Ipad and playing Futsal for now until Soccer starts in the spring. He is the most sweet kiddo when he wants to be. Last night I was tired and sat down to watch a little TV and in the middle of a show he leans over and kisses me on the cheek and says "I love you mom" wow how do they know when we need those little things at the right moment.
We stay busy as always with work, school and sports. Tonight we are looking forward to dinner with some dear friends of ours that we haven't seen in months. Then this weekend we get to spend some time with some more wonderful friends that we don't get to see enough for some Skyzone, Dinner and a little Ice Hockey fun. Should be interesting and long Saturday. Then off to church Sunday, Globetrotters with Rhonda, Eric and Peyton then Futsal. Busy but fun weekend! I'll try to follow up with pictures on Facebook. Love you all and hope life is going well!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2012 Life...

What I try to believe in life, because not everyone understands just how precious it really is…

Life is crazy, and totally unpredictable...
It's going to bring you to your knees, kick you while you're down,
and hit you when you try to get back up.
Not everything can beat you but things are going to change you.
Listen to your heart, Follow your dreams or make new ones when yours get shattered
and let no one tell you what you're capable of.
Push the limits, Bend the rules, and enjoy every minute of it.
Laugh at everything, Live for as long as you can.
Love all but be careful who you trust with your heart..
Believe in yourself, and never lose faith in others
Settle for nothing but only the best, And give 110% in everything you do.
Take risks, Live on the edge, Yet stay safe,
And cherish every single moment of it!!!
Life is a gift, appreciate all of it, and jump on every opportunity.
Not every one's going to love you, but who needs them anyways.
Challenge everything, and fight for what you believe.
Back down to nothing, but give in to the little things in life,
After all, that is what makes you.
Forget the unnecessary, But remember everything,
Bring it with you everywhere you go. Memories are Priceless!!!
Learn something new, hate nothing, But dislike what you want.
Never forget where you came from, and always remember where you are going.

Even when it’s hard to see!!!
Live Life to its fullest, and have a reason for everything,
Even if it's totally insane. Find your purpose in life, and Live it!

This might not always be easy to see every day in this journey that we are all

On but we have to remember that it is our life to live and you only get one chance.
It's your choice to live it!!!

So even during the dark and hard times, remember there is more!!!

When life gets to be more than you can stand….

Kneel!!!

I believe in the Sun even when it is not shining…

In love even when I am alone…

And in God even when he is silent!!!

Monday, January 7, 2013 Take it...

Today was a good day and I really can't say I've been able to say that much lately, been struggling a lot these days and in my world not knowing what to do. But for some reason today I felt a little better and for now I will take a little better. Holidays are over and it's a New Year but grief doesn't go by time or dates, it is a very strong to the core thing even after a year and a half, wow that is hard to shallow. But my boys and I had a good night and smiled so that is my good! I will take it and hope for another positive day tomorrow!!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013 New Year 2013...

Well it's another year and I hope it brings more healing, peace and happiness to my family and all my friends. I don't really ever do resolutions during the New Year and never have. I just pray that this year brings my sweet boys a little more peace, they miss their daddy so much every day!!! I love to see them smile and laugh, I will continue to make that happen in this coming year.