January 2016 Memories of Our Life...

Today I had some time to drive so I ended up in our old neck of the woods. Lots of memories there of where we started to where you were laid to rest. The memories still hurt but they also make me smile and know we were blessed to have you for the time we did. It can come with a mix of emotions. Grieving is an ongoing journey with no end, it teaches me how to love in a new way now that your no longer physically with us. Consciously remembering you is the key that opens my heart, that allows me to love you in new ways and others. Sometimes those memories make me smile and sometimes they do make me cry and hurt. I wouldn't change any of our memories, they keep me close to you.
This was my little walk down memory lane...

Our First Neighborhood, Ashbrooke Subdivision, great find. We loved this place and the memories we made.

Our first House together, loved this little house, we were able to look past the pepto bismol pink & mint green walls & carpet to see our first home. Nothing a little paint and new carpet couldn't fix. Lots of memories in this house for only owning for 2 years. We loved our neighbors in which I am still in contact with to this day, Derrick was so upset to hear of your passing since we didn't recount until months after. We had awesome Derby parties that consisted of one of your Beta brothers burning our siding and Eric falling over the fence. Building our first deck with Vince's help, installing a little shed, painting shutters. Lots of work that back then we enjoyed doing. We had our first and last huge fight, yes we disagreed but mostly we didn't like to argue and learned a lot after that nasty first one that we sat and laughed at the next day because it was so silly. We also got pregnant with our first baby here but sadly also lost our first baby here. You sat with me on the coach in the front room for hours until it was all over, we sat there and cried together, not many words needed. I can still picture that day when I close my eyes and I still keep our only ultra sound picture of our baby in my dresser. Ethan and Garret have both been told about that baby and we all know that you are now holding them in your arms. Ethan thinks it was a girl of course. 

 

Crestwood Hardware to the left of railroad track, our favorite little Saturday morning trip, I remember about 2-3 times a month we would take a Saturday morning trip there for some items to work on our new house. Every time we walked out of there you would say the same thing "I love this little town and how everyone talks to you even if they don't know you, we made a great choice on our first house and staying in a small town"

Duncan Memorial where we got married on a beautiful evening, I remember walking around the side of the building with so much excitement and love. We had both went through things in our life and came out on the other side and face each other to start our life. Sadly we never knew that this is where we would lay you to rest way too soon!!!

And this is where we laid you to rest, we don't go there much really, if I do I'm by myself. When I first set your headstone that I spent so much time and detail designing I thought I would feel close to you there but I don't. I guess my heart knows that you are not there, it just represents where you were laid to rest. In the beginning I came here a number of times thinking I would feel you here but so many times it wasn't there. I have sat and screaming at the top of my lungs and had my hardest cries here in the first few years. Then I realized that you were wherever I go. Boys do not like to visit you here either, Garret has a couple times but Ethan does not like seeing your name on the stone.

And there are our babies hand prints, they were so young at the time and it hurts the worst these days. It's so painful to see them grow up without you, it's hard not to get angry or ask God so many questions but I really try not to go there. You were an amazing father and they loved you more then life itself. We miss you everyday, talk about you everyday and keep you close to our hearts.
This journey and grief does not come with an instruction book and still almost five years later has many ups and downs. I look back at those days and the accident and it is hard to breath. As I know it is for anyone that knew you. We all were in so much pain and grief, none of us knew what to do or how to do any of it but to survive day by day. Guess some days we are still learning to survive without you.
The one thing I know is life is okay and we are surviving, doesn't mean it never hurts, or we still don't grieve but more then anything even on my hardest days I will tell myself 'Live this life the best you can for him because he is not here to live it' That's why we smile, we find happiness and create a good life that you would smile down on and be proud of us. We miss you everyday babe!!!

July 29th, 2016 Anger and Grief at Five Years 'Go rest on the mountain...'

 

This July 2^nd was the fifth anniversary of Derek’s death and today will be five years that we laid him to rest at Duncan Memorial, the same location where we started our marriage together almost 18 years ago. Life never prepares you for things like this, it’s not what you had written in your head when you were a little girl, saying I do to his proposal, walking down the aisle to say ‘I do’, buying your first house, having you first and second babies. Life seems amazing and nothing can touch you, but as we found out things can touch you. Life came shattering down around us.

With the passing of five years I have noticed some different phases of grief in my journey. Of course each person’s experience is different given the nature of the loss and their own life circumstances. I think in way’s you learn to live around your pain. Perhaps there are times and phases of grief where I feel I am in the thick of sorrow and pain, while at other times I feel that I have learning to live “around” the pain or alongside it. And sometimes I get thick in the anger that sorrows my grief, that seems to be a common one I fight with most as I see our boys grow and become young men that will never know their father the way they should and the amazing man that he was. That is a hard part for me, as time does help the raw pain that comes with grief, it never goes away, and you don’t just get back that piece of you that died with them. You learn to live with it and build a life to live in this world that they were taken from way too soon.

You find you are ok and happy and it is an all new kind of happy. You look at things, life and people differently then you did in the past. Most of the time you look at them in a more deep caring way and then other times you want to shake them and scream “wake up and know how blessed you are” yes it is a crazy world.