Friday, June 29, 2012 Today I feel...

Thursday, June 28, 2012 Happiness...

Got very frustrated yesterday with people and vented a little on Facebook. I don't understand why Things happen to good people in this world that are out of our control. I have friends that have lost people to sickness, accidents and other things. I have met more widows and widowers then I'd like to but in the end we keep living. People will always give us that look when we say we lost our spouse but we will tell them we are okay. Because we all have made the choice to live again, rather we want to or not we do it. And we don't ask for people to feel sorry for us, we just want to be normal, whatever that is. But then you have people in this world that have never had anything that major happen in their life and they complain about it and are not happy. I'm not saying that people don't have real problems, but I'm saying don't let your problem be the excuse to not be happy. I will never understand it. I have seen people have every chance to be happy and they chose to do everything to not grab it and then wonder why they are unhappy. They complain about jobs, or they have had a broken heart and scared to take chances again but you can't let your job or your past be your future, you have to change it yourself. I want to see my friends and people happy. It's just sad! Life is so short that we should try to grab every moment of happiness, grab and hug everyone in your life and smile everyday. Even for us who have lost so much, we have to still love and hold on to the ones we do have, they are a good reason to live and to still be happy. That doesn't mean we don't miss who is gone but that means we love the ones we still have.
It is still a battle for me some days to get this for myself but most days I do it. I want to be a happy mother and person, I choose a while back to not be a sad, anger or unhappy mother for our boys. Everyone has choices to make in this life. I have wonderful friends and family that help me do this. I have friends that are having a hard time right now, and are having problems but in the end they don't let their problems control their life or their happiness.
Yesterday I just had enough of people and their complaining or wondering why they are not happy. Wake Up people, happiness could be in your face and some people won't even see it. Life is short so try to enjoy each day!
I had a good dinner, drinks and company last night with friends and our boys. But in the end I had to lay down and hold Garret's hand for him to fall asleep because he missed his daddy so much. He woke up two times searching for my hand in the middle of the night. It breaks my heart that I can't fix it for our boys, that they haven't had their daddy hug them for almost a year. But in the end our boys even get that life keeps going and that you have to be happy. If Our two boys can get that in all their pain why in the heck can't grown adults grow up, stop complaining and be happy. Whatever that means in each persons life!
I still have days that it is hard to get all this myself but I manage. Today will be a bumpy day just because of Garret's night but I also know when he gets up this morning and smiles, hugs and kisses me that I will be good and so will he.
Love you all!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 Life Changes...
Not much at talking or blogging these days but I figured I would try. Not sleeping well tonight and really don't know why. I have been sleeping a lot better for about a month now but every once in a while I have a restless night. Tonight I think it is the anxiety of the upcoming two weeks. A lot coming in these weeks that is for sure. I told a friend last night that I would like to sleep through the next two weeks but I know that is not how to live and I know that I don't want that. I want to live and feel it all no matter how painful it is because in the end it will make me who I am and help me get to where I am going. Saturday is Ethan's birthday party and Sunday is his actual 9th birthday and he is so excited, he has been able to separate his birthday and the accident, I am so happy about that but of course he is like me, the anxiety leading up to it is what gets him most. But I will make sure that Saturday and Sunday are about him, then on Monday I don't know what that will bring. I have struggled with what a year means, I prayed in the beginning to just fast forward the first year thinking it would help but I know that everything I have went through the past year is all part of the journey and will get us all to a better place. Some days it still don't seem real. Don't get me wrong there are days when I tell myself I am done and don't want to do this anymore. Life will never be the same and I will always wish I had my life back but I will also find out what my new life is and where I need to be. Derek will always be a part of me and my life, I will always have a missing piece of me without him. He was my soul mate and no matter what, you only get one of those and when you lose them it rips your soul and life apart like I can't explain. I was talking to my friend that lost his wife four months after Derek and we both said we didn't think we would be where we are now, we both actually thought we would be beside our spouses, scary I know but I could never make someone that hasn't been there understand the thoughts that go through our heads. A year ago I was a happy wife, mother and person and didn't think life could change and the world couldn't touch it. I went through the physically pain I never thought was possible, I went through some anger that you would never want to see, I went through emotional pain that was unthinkable and the mental part just struggled the entire time. What was real and what was not. I couldn't watch TV expect HGTV for months and I still don't watch much TV unless it is with the kiddos. I couldn't listen to music at all, but started listen to it slowly again since February, still some songs I don't like but I do enjoy listening to it again. I didn't truly smile or feel much for so long because I shut down my emotions thinking that would be easier but in the end it wasn't. Then when I started to let myself feel again it was a stab in the gut that I didn't think I could handle but I did. I was scared to breathe or not breathe, I was scared to cry, talk or think. I was so scared of everything for so long but then I learned that I have to face the world to live. I have done so many first the past year and there are so many yet to come. I have traveled the entire path that we took that day on the motorcycle in different sections. I pasted the corner where I last heard Derek's voice, the place where he told me he loved me for the last time, held his hand and walked with him in Bardstown. That little street is burned in my head forever, but the day I stopped there I took a breath and I felt it. It was a weird feeling to have that and it helped to have a friend there that just made me feel like it was all going to be okay.
A year ago today Derek and I were going through life and enjoying every minute. A year ago from Monday that life completely shattered into peices and I have tried to pick up the pieces day by day. Some pieces I will never be able to pick up or fix but now I wonder where will I be in a year and how will my life be different because a year ago I couldn't have imagined going through what I have. I still take things a day at a time, don't get me wrong my Type A wants to think further and plan more but I know that right now it is okay to just take it as it comes. I also try to give myself more credit these days.
Monday will bring many memories, some painful beyond belief and some good. I don't know if I will get up okay, want to stay in bed, or tell everyone to get the hell out of my face and want to be alone. Just please promise me that you will all pray for us on this day. Mostly for our boys, but also for me, Derek, Derek's family, my family, my friends and everyone that knew Derek. I don't know if I will blog before then or on that day, I might even drop a couple text and ask for a little support. Who knows what it will bring but whatever it does I will keep my head up and be okay.
Then the next Monday is my birthday, don't even want to think about what that will bring. We were suppose to be on a trip for this birthday but I will take it as another year and keep going.
You haven't heard me say much about God in a lot of my blogs, I still struggle with that part of my life but I do still pray that in time that part will become easier and stronger.
If anything please take the time between now and Monday to let the people that you care about know that you love them, tell them and show them because you never know what tomorrow will bring and you never know how it will change your life or the next year. So please be happy and strong!!!

Saturday, June 23, 2012 Kings Island...

Took the boys to Kings Island on Saturday with Eric, Rhonda, Peyton and Maddie. We had a great time, enjoyed everything. I did a lot of waiting since I couldn't ride anything but it was worth it to enjoy talking and laughing with everyone. Boys rode everything even Ethan, he is getting a little more brave and so funny sometimes. I got to ride two rides, one was a water ride that was smooth and the other was Windseeker that I kept my eyes close on the entire time but Garret begged me to go on it. It was a fun day and good to see the boys smile, laugh and enjoy the rides. I was laying at the water park watching all the people and I realized how much I miss that good feeling of walking around not thinking that anything can touch your little happy world. I mean we always worried about our boys and were probably a little over protective but we just didn't think something would happen especially what did. I miss that secure feeling.

Thursday, June 21, 2012 The Shed...

Well I laid down for a little nap before taking a run because I was just so tired today. Now I wish I hadn't fell asleep.

Had a dream and I remember the details so much. We were having a party at the farm and all having a good time and Derek wasn't there, don't know if I knew he was gone or what just enjoying everyone around me. Then Lorrain gets there and I was walking with her around the lake to talk and told her I would let everyone know she was there, to relax and rest. So I walked around the lake to where a garage and a shed were sitting and I heard Derek's voice, so I go around to the shed. It was made of wood the color of cedar with a regular door to the right and a roll up door to the left. I open the regular door and there is stuff stacked to the ceiling so I close it but I hear him so I roll up the roller door and there sits Derek's cherry desk (the one we have had since we got our first house) and a few other items. I am very confused when I hear him talking but still I don't see him. I go over very confused but don't know why. I lay my head in my hands on the desk and look at the things laying on the desk. There was a wood plaque to the left with a gold engraved piece with Elvis Presley's name on it. There was a old army hat with a number if gold pins on it in the middle. There were a bunch of old things on the desk from people that are gone sitting on Derek's desk. Then he shows up and I hug him and he seems distance but just holds me. I beg him to not leave me over and over again. He says it's all okay that he knows he has been busy lately but that we will spent tomorrow together he promises, that he knows we need a day together. He says "but you have to be there". But I kept telling him he can't leave me and he keeps saying it's okay. I felt like I knew he was gone in my head in the dream but he was talking me into the fact he wasn't and made me question if I really knew what I was talking about. After promising I would be there I jump into walking around the lake with two people I don't know at all carrying sheets and I pass a sign with Derek's name and the dates of his birth and death on it, I fall to my knees, then I wake up.
I use to get so upset because I didn't dream a lot about Derek, or dream of him but couldn't see him in the dream. Now it is just painful to wake up from a dream and go through losing him over again once I wake up and realize it was just a dream.
It was a very weird dream and I woke up crying, which I haven't done it a little while. I had a good cry. Now I am going to go for a run around the WVU stadium, Derek went to a game there a couple years ago. Then I will enjoy my last night out of town. Miss my boys but it has been good to have some time away, relax and enjoy.
Good run....
Well I'm back from a good run around the stadium and hospital, got some dinner and did a little reading. It was what I needed to get out, clear my head and feel some peace. A lot of others had the same idea, I got to think and enjoy the sun going down, talk to a few people walking their dogs. I watched as doctor, nurses and patient's came in and out of the hospital that is in the same parking lot of the stadium and it got me really thinking about the past year and all that has happened.
I saw two people in wheelchairs, I remember that feeling of not being able to walk and take care of myself. I remember some things I would prefer to not remember and some of my friend's probably would like to forget some details of UofL and the things they had to do to me against my will, espeicially poor Pam. I have came a long way physically, mentally and emotionally. I still got a ways to go but I am getting there and I am healing. I now worry less, cherish my friends and family more, love deeper and hurt deeper.
While walking tonight I thought of a friend that at one point helped me a lot. We went to high school together and I was able to relax, be myself and talk so comfortably about Derek and how I was feeling, and that is hard for me to do but it felt so good to start smiling at the memories. I was so caught up in what I was suppose to do, and how I didn't want to make mistakes or feel too much pain or anything, I didn't want to plug holes. He told me that I couldn't go by what a book tells me to do or what someone tells me to do or how to feel. That it was a journey that I had to take one day at a time and make my own decisions. That everyone is different and I needed to trust myself. Good advice, he should probably listen to his own advice in his own life too!!!
It's hard for people to not be able to fix my pain. I was thinking about that tonight and I know that not everyone can ever understand me or how I feel or where I am. They can't fix it for me and I can't fix it for them. But in the end the people that are at my side are the true friends I have. The ones that give up, judge me, or try to tell me I'm not grieving enough, far from healing, or don't try to understand me a little are the ones that will miss out on being a part of my life, or don't really know me at all. Nobody knows how I feel, how much I grieve or how much I am healed, need to heal or what I need. If people chose to try and tell me what I need and how to live, it will be their lose not mine. Don't get me wrong I don't have a lot of these people in my life, but there has been more then one that can't handle it or understand it. I don't ask anyone to understand it completely, just be patient and be a real friend. My brother in law always tells me to be careful, that people will treat me bad, try to use me or take advantage of the situation, he is always looking out for me and I am glad, because I guess I have a lot of faith in people and cherish my friendships when their are some people out there that will take advantage of others. Sad but true because I have seen it in my life and others around me.

Don't get me wrong with all this crazy stuff tonight, my head has just been running crazy tonight. I am good, the walk did me good to breathe in the fresh air and clear out my head on things that have been bouncing around for a while. Just a little bump in the road but all good now. A freind texted me the other day and said I seemed to be in a better place and he was so proud of me. That means a lot and I think I am in a better place, do I still cry sometimes, YES. Derek would smile at me now because Rhonda and him always made fun of me because I wasn't a crier. I always told my guys at work if I they ever saw me crying they better run because I am either really pissed or something is really wrong. Am I still healing, HELL YES, always, I don't think I'm far from healing (whatever that means) but I know that it is a process and nobody should expect me to ever be completely healed, you don't go through what I did and be healed, doesn't work like that. I still hurt and I still grieve but that is part of my life now and I can handle it and still live.

I have had a good little escape away, ready to see my boys and be home I think. One more day, then a long drive home and Kings Island Saturday. But it was nice to get away, clear my head, have some time and see some good friends.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012 Funeral Home...

Well it started a little rough this morning with a dream about Derek, and when I woke up for a second I was mad at him in my dream and mad when I woke then within a couple seconds I realized it was just a dream and reality set in as every day and I realized he is not there to tell my dreams to or to be mad at. Derek use to have dreams and wake up mad, I would always laugh at him when he would wake up and say you were mean to me in my dream, then he'd kiss me on the nose and smile, knowing it was just a dream.
So I got up, got my boys up and we began our day like everyday and my boys had me smiling by the time we left the house. They amaze me everyday and I could never explain in words what they mean to me.
Well I went to the funeral home today to visit a friend who lost his dad. I had so much anxiety before I went, I didn't really want to go because I was scared but I knew it was something I had to do for my friend, to be there for him like he has for me in my rough year. So thank goodness my best buddy decided to drive me and keep my nerves calm. Don't know what I'd do without all the wonderful friends in my life that support me in the little moments when I don't put enough faith in myself. It was a rough day being there, the smell when I walked in the door brought tears to my eyes and I could not breathe for a moment, I don't know how long I held my breath but then a friendly hand and support held me together and I was able to stay for 45 minutes and be there for a good friend. Now his dad is up with Derek, dancing and having some good talks. I walked out of there, took a deep breath, and felt stronger. It will be okay and it takes steps to get there, rather they scare the hell out of me or not, I will keep stepping forward. When I don't feel strong I will have my friends to support me like today. I am learning a lot about what friendship means these days, some people prove it to me daily and others continue to not understand what true friendship is.
In the end I am good! I am now off for a little get away for a few days. It will be good!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012 TWill Basketball Camp...

The boys are at TWill Basketball Camp this week and they were so excited to meet him for the first time. That is all they have talked about since they got signed up last week. On the way to first day of camp Ethan said he wished dad was here to meet him because dad liked TWill a lot and that TWill probably had a lot of girls following him around because he is famous. And Garret wants to print this picture out so he can put it on Derek's headstone because dad liked TWill. They amaze me everyday on how they think and what they say. Had a restless night with some bad dreams last night but they put a smile on my face.
Got a big day ahead, trying to keep my head up!!!

Sunday, June 17, 2012 First Father's Day...

What a weekend, guess I'm feeling a lot of different thougths and emotions after this weekend. The weekend was good. Did we have moments we were sad because we were missing someone, YES!!! But in the end we appreciated the people we did have around and tried to make the best of it. Most of all we Laughed and Smiled!!!
The boys stayed at Ralph and Lorrain's Friday night while I went out with some good friends and had some fun. I also got to see one of my best buddies that always gives me a little peace and that was nice. Miss not getting to spend a lot of time with everyone like we use to, life is just so crazy these days.
Saturday we started the day off at Mr Gatti's and Putt Putt with Lorrain, Ralph, Rhonda, Eric and Peyton. It was hot but we had fun and the kids loved the go carts and putt putt. That was our first trip to Mr Gatti's since the accident, Ethan never wants to go there since we use to eat there with Derek but he decided to give it a try and I am so proud of him. We finished up the day by heading to the farm that night and spending two nights and relaxing. Garret went on his first solo horse back ride with Lonny and me, so he was excited. We all fished, caught frogs, snakes and other things in the creek. And of course a swim in the lake for the boys. We ended Sunday by Maddie and the boys talking me into staying Sunday night. So it was a good finish, boys watched a movie and then laid in bed and talked to Lonny for a while. And us adults watched a movie.
I received over 50 text yesterday off and on at the farm, I don't have service out there so most of them were this morning but it was wonderful to know so many people were thinking of us yesterday. Father's day will never be the same for us but we will be okay and we will stay strong.

Friday, June 15, 2012 Vacations Past...

Last year at this time we were laying on the beach in Montgo Bay, Jamaica enjoying the sun and thinking life had been so good to us all. I remember the room and view was amazing when we walked into the room. Derek loved the lay out of the room and walked to the baloney to look out and wanted to head to the pool bar. There were so many amazing times during that vacation so it is hard to capture them all but I want to cherish them so much. We enjoyed everyday to the fullest and then enjoyed dinner, entertianment and dancing at night. We went out for Doug's birthday dinner and walked the beach, Doug and Stephanie went in early that night so Derek and I walked down to the beach and found a cushion lounger to lay on together and just laid there and talked staring up at the stars. We talked about how lucky we had been in life, even with Garret's medical problems, my dad's accident, Rhonda's cancer, and Ralph's medical problems, our family was blessed considering all the bad things in life. We talked about how amazing our relationship had grown the past year and that it only got better with time. We laughed at some silly things in the past, when we were young and dating and we just took it all in that night laying there on the beach. Can't tell you anymore details that happened but it was a good night. Then of course there was the day we went to Dunes River Falls, Derek and Doug were not happy about the bus trip there (1 1/2 hours) but once we got there and took the boat out and climbed the falls. It was an amazing day and then it was back to the boat for a little drinking and dancing. And oh I did a little too much of the drinking part, Derek did a great job of taking care of me, well of all of us since he was a little more sober then us. He was ready to kick my butt because we had to stop four times to pee on the way back and I couldn't pee in a pringles can (don't ask) so we stopped at some places that I am surprised we got out of alive and I do remember them, it was interesting. We got back to the hotel after a 3 hours ride back (thanks to my bladder and a beer stop) and when we got back the plan was all 10 of us to shower and meet for dinner. I jumped in the shower and got ready as told to by Derek, and we went out to eat and enjoyed the night. Doug didn't make it, he was pasted out naked on the bed from what Derek told me. We all laughed so much that night, I think at ourselves and each other. They were all good nights because Derek and I were in such a good place in our lives and with ourselves, God and our family. He had always been a wonderful husband, father, son, brother, and friend to everyone around him and in that past year he even worked harder at it and I think he realized for himself just how lucky he was and what a good person he was.
A year later here I am sitting on the blenchers of the UofL Soccer Field watching my youngest play soccer with the UofL soccer players and my oldest sitting next to me. Life has for sure changed and will never be the same. I would give anything to have my husband and my life back but I know that there is nothing in this world I can do to do that, trust me I have tried. I have had horrible feeling and thoughts in the past year, I have had pain, physically, mentally and emotionally that will be with me for life. In the end we live our life like Derek would want us to until we see him again. As much as I question my faith these days, I know I have to believe that Derek is beside us and watching his boys as they grow, he would be so proud of them. I know he would be proud of me, he knew me better then anyone and even in the mistakes that I have made here and there, I know truely what we exactly thought about each other and what he would expect from me through all this. There are days where I get so angry at him for leaving me but I know that if he could change it he would in a heart beat. So I live for myself, my boys and Derek!!! Love and Miss you always, you are helping me heal everyday!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2012 Where I Am...

Took a little break from my blog and will continue to do it probably, and I appreciate everyone checking on me and caring. I have just been working on some things but it has been good. We are doing okay, just have a lot to face in the next month and taking it a day at a time. I have let go of some things that were causing me pain and I have been trying some new things to give me joy and it's going pretty good.
Still have my good moments and bad moments but I am back to moments and not days. I said in University Hospital that I would not have a bad day that I would have bad moments and get past them but that is hard sometimes. I let somethings really get to me the pass month and I had to get pass them and stop being so hard on myself to figure out what I really need. Don't get me wrong I am still figuring it out, this is not an overnight process but I am getting there and growing stronger with each lesson to make me better in this new life.
Ethan had counseling yesterday and he did a practice thing where he played in the sand, he did a beach with a lighthouse and a beachhouse, then wrote Dad in the sand and told us that it was where dad is, dad's beach. I had the biggest lump in my throat but at the same time it made me smile. I could see Derek on that beach is his shorts, no shirt, no shoes, and his bald head sweating just a little and the big beautiful smile everyone knew so well, could even hear his amazing little laugh. It makes me smile to think of him like that. That is how my boys like to picture him and it helps me to do that too.
We have a lot coming up soon but we will have a lot of first the rest of our life, as the year sneaks up on us I realize it has nothing to do with the first year, its all the first the rest of our life without Derek by our side but we will make him proud and we are getting stronger everyday.
This Sunday is a big one for my boys with Father's Day. Then we have Ethan's birthday, then the year and then my birthday. But we will be okay and take each one a day at a time.
As the year is coming upon us so fast I know he lives through me, my boys and everyone who loved him. Am I scared to face another year without him? Yes Do I fear that I will never love as deeply as I did for him? Yes Am I scared to fully enjoy what life has to offer me? Yes Am I going to continue to grow and get stronger? Yes Am I going to continue to live for my boys and myself? Yes Am I going to continue to lean on my family and friends for support when I can't walk down this journey on my own? Yes
But I will not let it stop me from trying!!! I am finding new strength everyday and I am finding a good path to this new life. It still gets hard some moments and it will continue to be full of ups and downs but it will be okay in the end.
I have received some awesome emails on memories for my book for the boys and everyone makes me smile. When I got the very first one I thought it would tear me apart but it didn't, it made me smile because I know how many lives Derek touched in the short 40 years he was here and there are so many people that never do that and are here for so much longer. I have seen people not really appreciate the life they have, I have seen people give up on the people they love or walk away. I have seen friends and family suffer so bad and not be able to help them but just love them is all we can do. We can't fix everything, we can't change people or situations or always answer the WHY questions everyone has. We just have to love the people around us.
So make sure you are making a difference in this life, you only do it once and live everyday to the fullest. Tell the people closest to you that you LOVE them and hug them often. You only have one life don't waste it!!!

Sunday, June 10, 2012 Tree Dedication...

Want to thank everyone for coming out to the soccer field today for the Tree Dedication. It was great seeing everyone and hearing everyone talk about Derek.

Friday, June 8, 2012 Fun Day...

It was a pretty good day, busy at work so that made the day go fast. Then I got to spend a little time and visit with some Beta guys today. I really enjoyed it, miss that group so much. Then off to get my boys and we spent the evening swimming and enjoying our night together. We got asked to do a couple things tonight but was glad in the end to just have some time just the three of us. Tomorrow off to the farm to swim, horseback ride and fish with family and my boys.
Then Sunday is the tree dedication for Derek at the soccer field, a lot of mixed feeling for that but since there will be over 50 people there I will deal. It is wonderful that they are doing this for Derek and the boys.

Thursday, June 7, 2012 DREAMS...

Had a good day today so it was nice, worked in Elizabethtown till after lunch, then had to pick up boys for a couple appointments. Enjoying some time with them before running Ethan to spend the night at Rhonda & Eric's while Garret spend the evening at the neighbors so I could have a good dinner with a friend. Enjoyed dinner, a couple drinks and good conversation and company. Got home a little late and was done for night. Now soccer try outs for two nights, hope Ethan makes it, I know he will be disappointed of he doesn't, and he has had enough of that this year.
I've been sleeping so much better off and on the past month but tonight my dreams were running wild and it was off and on. My mind was running wild before I fell asleep so maybe that was it, trying to think about some things and then I ended up dreaming about all that I was thinking before I fell asleep. And in my dream I didn't get any more answers then I do in the real world. Heck at least we should be able to dream we know it all, wouldn't that be nice. Dreams, what do they mean??? It was some weird dreams and kept waking me up, I'd fall right back to sleep and then back into the same dream but a different point in the dream. I don't dream all that much these days but when I do it's really different. Who knows, kinda weird. I remember the details and the place I was but oh well it was a dream. I still got some good sleep in between.

Saturday, June 2, 2012 Great Day...

Just now took time to download this to my computer and wanted to share. Last Saturday after a good day of soccer tournament we went out to the farm and I got to horseback ride for the first time since the accident. I loved it!!! Lonny made me be good and not run Fantasy but it was still fun, took it easy and was a little nervous at first but I will be doing it again soon. We let Peyton and the boys ride around the lake with someone and they loved it of course. Then after just a few of the adults took a little hour ride we sat on the dock of the pond and built a fire in the fire pit. It was a great day and I don't use that word much. Also it helped that I got to see Brent now that he is home for a few weeks!!!

Now that is a good day and I smiled a lot, as you can see below!!!  

Wednesday, June 6, 2012 I'm Good...

I might not have it all figured out, right now. But I'm getting there....
Had a friend send me that yesteday and it was fitting. I am getting there, it is not a fast process and I hope everyone understands that but I have had some good days and I am doing okay. I have received a number of emails the past couple weeks and I guess it makes me understand a couple things. That people still think of us and care about us, and it is wonderful that they do and show it. But it also shows me that a lot of people read this blog which is a good and bad thing. I have several times thought about stopping and I do keep a journal at home but then like tonight decide to write and clear my brain because it helps. But the second thing it shows me is that 30 people can read this and read between the lines or come to their own thoughts on how I am or what I am talking about. Funny because when I read back over things sometimes I guess I can see. The entire thing is that I have had a lot happen in 11 months and it all effects me daily and it is a roller coaster of emotions but I am healing and I am doing okay. Yes I still have bad days or moments and I would hope that everyone would expect that for a long time but I have good days too and I smile a lot more, and my friend and family like when I smile, but Derek will always be a part of me and my life no matter what, that doesn't mean I am not healing or living it just means he is always with us and I know everyone will understand that. It is not always a rough road it is just when I get on my blog is when I am home at night, not sleeping and thinking, that is when my mind really messes with me. This is not a journey to be ran, one day at a time but I am getting there better every day. It's like I said before, the little things I am starting to enjoy around the house again, it's the things that I feel good about when I do them on my own. Sometimes all the stuff in my head I don't even get and that is why I have done the couseling before and went to visit recently but he tells me I am doing everything right and that I need to give myself a break some and continue to do what I am doing, he has offered for me to bring anyone family or friends with me if  I want but I don't know yet. Doesn't really give me answers but I guess I continue on this journey and hope that I grow and that the pain gets better when it has those days that it is so raw, that is called grieving and it's part of the healing that I need. I can't expect anyone to read anything I write and understand it, you can't till you have been here so please never try to get it or understand or think that you know what I need or don't need because nobody does but me and some days I still don't know. Just be here for me, talk and listen, that's all I ask!!! And pray for us!!!
I know Derek is never coming back and I know that we have to live and that is what I am trying to do, on the good and bad days.
So I will try to make sure I am also putting the good things on the blog too, not just the rough nights and thought but that is part of it. Thanks everyone who has sent emails, text and the memories that I requested for the boys, they were all wonderful to read and I know the boys will love the book I am making.

Monday, June, 4, 2012 Alone....

Well I've struggled with this post, even the first sentence I have typed and retyped, so much in my head these days. Many people have texted or sent me messages that mean so much to me and I want to thank you and please always continue to do so, because some days that is what helps me continue on this journey and continue to write this blog. I have had a number of people ask why I do it or not understand since everyone sees it but I can't explain, if you know me I don't open up to many people at all, I keep my crap to myself and my pain not many people see or see me cry but for some reason I have gotten to where this is good for me and I just don't think about how many people read it, even know after some post I feel like oh no people might read into that or not even understand what I am talking about but I just figure it's for me so let it be, it is what it is and even if I explain myself better then all this, nobody will ever understand unless you are in this place I am, and I don't wish that on anyone in this world, so bear with me. The text and messages mean so much to me that everyone sends, especially when they are friends that I didn't always get to talk to every day or friends that tell me how wonderful Derek was and how special we were together. People that knew him, knew us or didn't even know him and us before this blog.

For now I feel I am at such a crossroads or something, don't even know what word I would use but at 11 months I didn't know where I would be but I know it's a struggle. The pain, the numbness, the knowing it is forever is more then I can bare some days but I do know that I am here and I have to continue to grow, heal and be okay. How do I do that? That's the part I am struggling with the most. I've tried a lot of things the past 4-6 months off and on, some have worked, some have hurt like hell, and some I have totally crashed and burned on. I have made some really good choices, I have made some mistakes, I choose to forgive, and that goes forgiving others and myself.

I don't know if I can or want to explain in this blog the raw feelings that come with losing the one soul mate you get in this world but it is a raw pain down to the soul that hurt like no other pain, and every little hurt after that is even stronger and hurts deeper. The physical pain that I went through is nothing, I would take it back every day with no pain meds instead of this one I have that losing Derek left, and the people that saw me in the hospital with a sheet holding me together will understand what I am talking about, and yes I remember that pain, I remember more then you would think about those days. But as much as I wish there was a pill or a button to push or doctor to help, nothing will numb this one. I refuse to take a pill to make it better for a little time because at some point you have to feel it and deal with it, and learn to live with it. I told a friend of mine the other day that lost his wife a little time after I lost Derek that I don't want to hurt so bad anymore but I know it will always hurt some and I want it to, but everyone will not understand that but he does. For me right now it's being okay with just being me, alone. I know from all the text from family and friends that I'm not completely alone but I hope everyone understands the alone I am talking about, it's that place nobody can fill or fix but me. It's not having someone to come home to and tell how my day was, or to have someone to want to know you so deep that they know how you feel by the look on your face or a face you make. It's those text I would get everyday at some point that make my soul smile and make you know you are where you should be. I will say the text and friends I have help with some of that but not totally. I have a lot of friends that have came in my life, some have stayed and some have choose to leave that can really make me know that it will be okay and I will get stronger. Some friends can't handle that they can't fix all this for me so some choice to walk out of my life because they can't handle that, I try not to be angry because I understand it is not easy on their side either, if they knew Derek then they are probably trying to deal with their own grief also and then others that never got the opportunity to know Derek just can't handle that they can't fix it or help, what they don't seem to be able to understand is that being in my life period is helping even know they can't fix it for me. I have to understand that this life is not easy to understand, that people will not always be able to get this journey, or what I do but I trust myself and that is what matters for me, and I trust that the people that are able to handle that they can't fix it and that they want to be in our life will be there and stand strong for us, but I do understand that not everyone can handle that, so I make a choice not to be angry with people to try not to let it hurt so much but it is hard to lose important relationships in my life at this point. I have had things happen, people hurt me, and people break me and bring me to my knees but in the end it is what I choose to do with those situations, I choose to learn from them and let it make me stronger. Just please don't ever give up on me if you can handle it. Be my friend, listen to me but always share your problems and talk to me also, because that is what friendship is, I can't fix your problems either but just having someone to talk to is the world sometimes but I understand that it is hard but I will be patient also. People will never understand my journey or my life, but the ones that love me no matter what are who will help me stand in the end but most of all I have to stand on my own, as hard as that is and as lonely as that can be some days, it is what I have to do. Yes I have family, friends and my boys but I have to know that I can be okay being here and alone. It's a humbling thing, it is a painful thing, but it is something I need so much for me and I'm getting there. I am doing things that I feel good about, little things that people may think are silly, like making my bed every day, picking up the house every day, hanging pictures, fixing things at the house and caring to do those things is a big thing, but nobody may not understand that. I'm still figuring it all out. It will never get easier to go to bed alone, or wake up in the morning and for a second not know the pain is there before I complete wake up. Or waking up in the middle of the night in tears and a sweat from flashbacks and nobody there to hold me. Or to just know that you are on someone's mind today!!!! 

Sunday, June 3, 2012 Soccer Tournament Winners...
Our boys won the JCSYL tournament this weekend, they both played amazing and hard in ever game, I am so proud of them and Derek would be so proud. It was hard to fight the tears at the end of the last game when I knew they won, all the fathers there and they didn't have that. They miss their daddy so much on the soccer field!!!!
Garret had 3 goals today and Ethan had 2 goals!!!!
Derek they play for you every time!!! Love and Miss You!!!!

Saturday, June 2, 2012 11 Months....
It is unbelievable that it is 11 months since I heard you voice. I want so bad to hear you or feel you, but it will never happen again. I almost asked a close friend to watch some videos I have of you because I wanted to see you and hear you but I don't know if I'm ready for that. This picture was in Jamaica a few weeks before I lost you, we sat and wathced the sunset with Doug and Steph talking about so many things, including bringing the boys back to Jamaica. That was an amazing vacation for us and I am so glad we had it. I remember a number of things that almost cancelled that trip and you kept saying put it off if we need to and I was determined that we needed that vacation no matter what. So glad we did it! We laid on the beach and talked, smiled and laughed.
The year is coming so fast and I thought I wanted it to hurry and past so it wouldn't hurt so bad but I'm figuring out that feeling anything is better then nothing at all. I can't even imagine looking back and it being 5 or 10 years, that makes me not breathe. So today I will continue to take it a day at a time and continue to let the wonderful people in my life help me do that and learn to live. I already had some text this morning, you are still in so many people hearts and minds. I miss you babe, please continue to watch over our boys and help them. They do not even realize what today is but they will know the year because poor Ethan will never forget the day after his birthday.

Friday, June 1, 2012 I Love You....

Three simple words that every piece of me down to my soul misses hearing.
Long day in Elizabethtown doing inventory but productive. I've been a little crazy for about three months trying to fix and figure out life so much, today a few of those things became so much clearer to me, which I believe is a good thing.
Good weekend ahead, good night!!!!