December 14, 2015 Struggles...

There is a lot of good in this life and I don't take it for granted. Don't focus on the struggles that you miss the gift of today. That is a statement I speak to myself every day when I read my devotional to help me not get to overwhelmed with the struggles of this life that I miss what is here and now. It's easy sometimes we get so caught up in what it should be, or what someone should do or did to us that we don't just stop. Life is too short and things change too fast and every day to not try to make the best of today. I look at how much my boys have grown in four years, how much their personalities have developed and changed. If I don't focus on being in this life I would miss that all. You have to want to be in this life and take it in and make it work. Not always easy, everyone doesn't always play nice or help but in the end it's a choice to live and live it the best we can. Something that Derek lost all too early, so I will not take for granted what I have. We love and miss him everyday and he is why we live and try to be better and love each other. It can be exhausting but we just keep going and loving each other. Every time I say prayers with my boys at night, or hear them say I love you it is a reminder that we must live this life the best we can for Derek. Life is what you make it

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Everyday...

June 9, 2015 Without you...

I struggle to do this all without you, it wasn't supposed to be me raised our boys. I never know if I'm making the right decision or how to handle these years. You were supposed to be here and it is hard not to sink into what it was supposed to be. These two boys and I need you more then you will ever realize. Breaks my heart to see them grow and do all the good and bad things without you here to guide them. I'm lucky to have other people to help and in thankful for that but some days it gets the best of me. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015 Cereal milk...

Memories make me smile but also make me miss you being here. I was eating my cereal for lunch today and I looked down at the bowl with only milk left in it and just laughed inside because we use to gross you out because boys and I would drink our cereal milk and thought it was so good and you thought it was so nasty. You were funny like that! 

Monday, May 11, 2015 More Memories...

Some days I still can't wrap my head around you being gone. The boys had a soccer game downtown tonight and we got there early so I took them to Eva Bandman park where you use to play soccer. Wow brings back some memories of you playing soccer and that was our place to go so and talk by the river. Seems like so long ago!!! 

We shared so many things there about both our past and future. I can close my eyes and see us sitting there, so young, you the charmer and life was so simple then and we didn't even know it. 

Sunday, March 22, 2015 Never the same...

Sometimes, something's and some people I will never understand and that's ok. Life is never what we expect and we can't stop living it. So you get up and live the life that you know will make him proud and smile because as hard as this life is without him I wouldn't change the time I had with him. 

I look at our boys and they grow so fast that we should never take a day for granted or miss anything. Don't hold on to what should be, don't hold on to the mistakes or hurts that you have or people have given you because it takes away from how good you can be today. And today you will not get back and you are NEVER promised tomorrow!!! So truly love the ones you have, forgive the people that hurt you because anger will only hurt you, and live this life that was taken away too soon from Derek.

 

Wednesday, March 2015

Sunday, March 7, 2015 Accepting...

Knowing life will forever be changed and living that life is hard. You can be happy but you are forever changed down to that empty spot in your soul that died that day with him. But you choose to live!!! 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015 To My Bones...

It's the heartache I can feel to my bones and soul missing you! Just doesn't seem possible some days. 

December 30, 2014 Stages of Grief...

Stages of Grief…

Stages of grief are different for each person and are experienced by many from all walks of life. They say there are five stages of normal grief, whatever normal is. I believe there are many stages maybe more then 5 and we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage with different levels of intensity. Some I think we get stuck on and still revisit at certain times. Some I think we chose to move through because we know it is better for us and know that the person we are in that stage is not who we want to be, it’s not good for us or the others around us to stay stuck there. These stages I believe don’t always come in order. I do believe that you have to take steps through grief and identify it or it can destroy you or look back and realize that you have wasted the life you had that your loved one had taken from them. So sometimes I believe that we move through a point or make a choice because we know we have to or we will sink and I always refused to sink. Even know some day it seems easier to sink then keep going and making the choice I had to in this new walk. All people grief differently, some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and be outwardly emotional. Other like me will experience their grief more internally, and may not let go in front of others. But never judge or try to understand how another person experiences grief.

Stage One, Denial & Isolation…

I had this one down pretty good at first; don’t spend too much time in reality, for me most days I had to fight for my life instead of think about my loss every second, but it was always there. Always kept in internally, I was never a big person to let people know how I felt unless you were real close to me, for example Derek knew me better than anyone and most people I would hope say that about their spouse. He knew my every secret, every weakness, every fear and every single thing that made me smile and still loved me all the same. Doesn’t mean that we were prefect; or Derek was prefect or that we didn’t have our challenges but in the end we always knew we stood together in everything. So when you lose that person that you are close to it shatters your life, I have never felt so weak, alone, scared and vulnerable to the core in my entire life, the pain was raw. Not only did I have to deal with losing my husband, I had to handle letting go of control of my life and fight for my heath mentally, physically and emotionally. It was a fight every day, sleep was my best friend because when I slept I didn’t feel, but I know for the first six months it was waking up that hurt the most, because every morning for 5 seconds there is peace until I realize it wasn’t all a dream and that I have to live my entire life without him, he was gone and there was nothing on this earth I could do about it. I pulled away from everyone emotionally, only a very few people saw me lose it and fall apart, I don’t even know if my mom saw it to the depth because I didn’t cry in front of her much. But I had people that didn’t give up on me and did things for me physically and emotionally that amaze me to this day that were hurting themselves.

Stage Two, Anger…

This stage was easy for me, it is one that comes and goes. I let go of it but it always tries to come back in, so I would say this stage I still battle all the time. I was anger for so long at God, Derek and myself. The anger stemmed from “why would God take Derek”, “Why did I live instead of Derek”, I was so anger at God and pushed him away. I had other widows come in and tell me it was the closest walk I would have with God and I remember that angered me even more. The anger came easy for me, I was even anger with Derek, why didn’t he fight to stay here, why did he have to have that stupid bike and be so easy to talk me into it. Then I would get anger with myself, why did I let him have that bike, why did I say yes, as soon as I said yes he went out and bought it, why couldn’t I be hardheaded more and not let him get it. Anger can be a hard stage to let go of and it is one I still struggle with. I struggle when I see our boys hurt and miss their dad. I struggle when it is all on me to make every decision for all of us, it's all on me the rest of my life, no matter who walks into our life nobody will ever have responsibility for those boys as Derek and I did, so how do you let go of this stage because I still visit it which I have been told is part of it and grief. For me when I was in my deepest anger which was a few different times I finally realized that it wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be for myself, for Derek and mostly for my boys. I wasn’t a good person being angry with myself, Derek or God. I couldn’t teach my boys what Godly love was without letting go of that anger. Even know at this point I was still struggling with where my faith was, I still had God pushed away but he was always close watching out for me or I wouldn’t be here. In the end I had to believe that some questions only God could answer and I would never get those answers, some it’s probably better that I never get the answer. And I had to believe more than anything that I would see Derek again someday. I always said I don’t know how someone gets through this without some type of faith and knowing that it doesn’t just end on the side of the highway and there is no more that would give me every reason to just give up.

Stage Three, Bargaining…

The feeling of helplessness and vulnerability makes you want to often regain control of your life. So that is when the “IF” questions come in. “If I wouldn’t have agreed to ride that day he would be here”, “If I hadn’t said yes go buy the bike”, “If I would have done this or done that” none of this is fair and wanting the answers to yet more questions. But the questions always turn you back to anger, because in the end they are questions that you will never get answers to. So you choose to know that you will never get answer and have faith that you have to keep moving forward and in time you will be ‘OK’. That is a word in itself. People use to say “you will be ok” well I had way better then “Ok” so I didn’t want “Ok” now years later I get “Ok” and I am good with “Ok” “Ok in a life of a widow or someone who has lost someone close to them is good, it’s not that you are not happy, it is that this loss has changed you and your life forever, there is no going back and there is no being who you were. You find an entirely new you, some of the old you is still there but the way you look at people, life and yourself is forever changed. 

Stage Four, Depression…

Oh yes this stage definitely came and went, sometime a little more strong at times. Most of the time I kept it to myself or talked to very few people about it but when I hit my worse grief everyone knew because I just completely withdrew, didn’t talk, didn’t eat, and didn’t care. Funny thing is the first time I remember waking up enough to ask what all they were pumping into me I figured out they had me on 3 depression medicines and 2 anxiety medicine. So by start of week three I made them take me off all but one or two of those and only took them if I felt I needed them. I have never been one to like to take pills but I knew from the beginning that there was no pill I could take that would fix it or make it go away. I wanted to feel every feeling and every pain I had. I made them reduce most of the pain medicines that they would and went off of most before they wanted me too. I wanted to feel it all, maybe it was a way to keep my focused, maybe it was a way to punish myself but I didn’t want to be drugged up and not feel, even know that would be easy but at some point I would have to feel so I didn't want a pill. That was a big thing for me because Derek could have told you my pain tolerance was 0 my entire life. I sprained my ankle at a party and I cried like a baby and Derek laughed at me because it was only a sprain as he said. When I hit my worse depression it would end up with someone getting in my face a number of times and telling me I didn’t get to quit and give up. I remember being so mean to my mom when I was at my lowest, all she wanted was me to talk to her but the more she pushed for me to talk the more mean I was. I almost pushed too hard one time and she was ready to walk out until I was told to straighten up and stop that I wasn’t the only one dealing with their grief, I could deal with my grief the way I needed but striking out at my grieving mother was not the way to deal with it. I had to realize to let everyone deal with their grief but not to take mine out on the people that were holding my life together.

Stage Five, Acceptance…

Reaching this stage of mourning is not somewhere that some people ever get. They may never go through the other stages to even get to this point. It’s not easy to get there especially with getting through the anger and denial. It is finding a peace within and for you to accept what has happened. For me it didn’t come all at once, it came in pieces to accept little by little. I again withdrew during this stage, guess that is a common fact for me. It is not a period of happiness and it sometimes brought the depression on but mostly for me anxiety. I had to take one thing at a time as it came; it was accepting that no matter what I was going to be ‘OK’ with the boys and me. It was accepting that there was nothing I could do in this world to make him come back or change the situation. That is when it was time to let go of all the questions that I couldn’t keep asking, all the anger. It came in pieces and mostly when my guard was down since I was really good at keeping it up. I remember the first Christmas when I talked myself into going to a Christmas party with all my work friends, party was nice, it was nice to see everyone but standing on the dance floor I started falling apart but held it together enough to tell my girlfriend without words that I needed to get the heck out so without missing a beat we were in the car without saying a word to anyone and by the time we got back to their house I had fell apart to the point I was physically carried in the house because all I could do is cry and scream “I don’t want to do this anymore” that is the thing that some people will never understand unless you’ve been a widow. There are so many times you want to stop and not do it anymore but it comes down to a choice, keep fighting for our family and ourselves or give up. Many days crawling back in bed and curling in a ball and disappearing sounded like the best thing to do but we don’t get to do that. Those days are when the anger comes back a little and I yell at Derek out load for leaving me to do this. For me acceptance was always a strong reality check when it would hit, and most of the time it was on my own, only a few people have seen me break. I remember the first time I felt that I was completely on my own and that it was really how my life was going to be, I was at Baptist all day by myself, nobody around and I just cried, I talked to Derek and told him through tears that we promised that we would always be together and that he left me, told him I didn’t think I was strong enough to do this without him, that was a rough day and can remember the smells, feelings and all like it was yesterday. I prayed to God to give me strength because there was no way I could do this alone. One night when it was my first time I could drive, I had dinner with a dear friend and just so happened to be too close to Duncan Memorial, so I drove straight there from dinner, I never got out of my car, I parked with my lights shining at Derek’s plot and screamed, cried harder and harder. I wasn’t even screaming words, I was just screaming.

Coping with loss and grief is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process if you let them. The best thing I feel you can do is allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it will only prolong the process and make it harder on yourself. We all deal with it different but I have learned that grief is not something you completely get over, but you have to accepted, identify it for what it is, let yourself feel it for that moment and move forward afterward. Being stuck in grief is not a good or health thing but you have to do it at your pace and make sure you don’t get stuck in a place that is not who you are or want to be.

It is a hard and long journey that each person has to go through on their own pace and way.