Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Another year has come and gone, they seem to fly by so fast anymore. I guess I'm mixed if that is good or bad. It has been a good year for the boys and I, we continue to heal, grow and learn things along the way. I've enjoyed some extra time off with the boys during the holidays which was much needed but I am ready for the holidays to

be over. Holidays are just a hard time no matter if its been one, two or three years. I can't believe this is our third Christmas, we had a little more peace this year and the boys seemed to really enjoy it. That helped me enjoy it more. 

I try to count all the blessings in my life and focus on that then think of all we have lost. That is not always the easy thing to do but its how I keep going forward. 

Sunday, December 1, 2013 Holidays...

I try to look at things in a positive way these days, can't always say that is easy. The holidays are upon us and they just are still very hard. 

I was reading my personal journal tonight and I had an entry around our first Thanksgiving and it helps me to see how far I've come but yet how far I still have to  go in some things...

November 2011 I wrote to you that I couldn't do this anymore without you. I am trying to turn it all over to God but I fight it every day. I don't talk to him anymore and I never look up. I want to change that but don't know how to get this voice out of my head saying really Coni you believe this. Why would this happen? Why? What if??? 

Back then I was still asking so many questions and had so much anger at God but I was so far from understanding anything. Not saying I understand anything better except that I trust that in it all God did not make this happen and no matter what he has my back. I will never get the answers to the questions I ask myself so many times. It is such a hard journey that nobody understands till they have been there and even then it is different for each one. Its a scary and lonely journey that you just keep moving forward on. Every little thing in my life has changed since that day, and I mean every single little thing and that is a very hard part. Tomorrow will be 29 months/885 days since our life was shattered, I was talking to a friend the other day about time, time does help us heal but the bigger that number getting it brings a whole new flood of feelings that are hard to explain. I know how far we all have come and I know for a fact that I am lucky to be walking and doing things since that day but luck is a hard word to use sometimes. 

It was a good Thanksgiving with family and friends. We smiled and laughed. All the wonderful text that I received from old  and new friends and family meant so much, each one was so much needed. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013 15 Years

15th Anniversary, never thought the place where we got married 15 years later would be where I would visit your grave. It is still unbelievable to me. We never knew then that along with some of the most wonderful times in our life that next 15 years would also come the most unbearable pain we ever would know. We miss your amazing personality, laugh and smile everyday.

Thursday, October 31, 2013 Understanding...

None of this comes with an instruction manual. We are not given one when we come into this world and we are not given one when we lose someone and they leave us way too early. We are never prepared to say Goodbye and its even worst when you don't get to physically ever say that goodbye. My faith can provide comfort but the everyday reality of life without Derek can only be lived a day and moment at a time. Not looking too far ahead and not looking back. 

There are not just first the first year, there are first the rest of your life. Nothing can prepare us to continue our lives without someone that we are that connected to. So we take torturous steps one after the other, slowly, painfully and we try to make a life without the one we thought we could never live without. 

We all grieve in different ways, at different speeds and on different journeys. People look for closure, but closure is a strange word. We don't close the door on our life with our loved ones. We can't just put them in the past and walk away. Doesn't work like that. But we do learn to adapt to this new version of our lives. Where we must find a way to go on without their physical presence with us. It is a challenge but with healing, time and prayer we find some peace, joy and even love in what remains of our time here on earth. We find ourselves smiling, laughing and enjoying the memories we have. 

It is a journey that is so full of so many emotions and pain. It never goes away completely, you don't just move on but you learn with time to live and go on. It's a choice that you make for the people in your life and for yourself. As the years go on it is always close to your heart everyday and still hurts. It changes everything in your life and the way you look at every single thing in that life. And as times goes on it is a struggle to think people will forget but they never do, they do go on and live their life but it always is close to their heart. 

Life is a gift and it comes with the price of feeling everything. Joy, pain, passion, agony. And without that darkness we probably would never recognize the light. We have to seize that gift of life while it is ours to live. Take in the entire experience and don't take anything for granted. 

Monday, September 2, 2013 Family...

26 months today

I miss my family, that's the feeling I had when I first woke this morning. Most days I'm moving so fast or going on that I don't have time to think about it. Which is a good thing. But today on a holiday weekend please take time to spend time with your family and tell them you love them. Its the little things you miss the most when its all taken away. Boys and I are doing good but some days it hits you in the face of how much we lost. It breaks my heart what the boys will never have with their father who's biggest dream was to be an amazing dad and he was it just got cut way to short. 

It was a good weekend, boys and I spent some much needed time together and some much needed down time also. Now back to work and a busy schedule tomorrow!!! 

Thursday, August 15, 2013 One of those days...

Monday, August 5, 2013 Flashbacks...

Been a while since I have posted or wanted to but my head seems to be spinning tonight so I figure I'll give it a try. Life is flying by this summer with the boys and all, school starts Wednesday and soccer starts tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder if I can keep up with it all some days but I manage as I know I have to.
Flashbacks have been a little off and on lately, I mean I've always had them for two years, some of that day, some of different times before and after the accident. Some are more detailed then others. But there seems to be different triggers these days and it is the smallest things that will make me stop in my tracks or sometimes I am able to just shake them off. Most of the time it is when I am driving. Like when I was driving back from Gulf Shores we past this exit and I had a car on either side of me and wow there it hit, I could see that Hyundai emblem on the car. I slowed a little and tried to shake it but it took me back to that day and flying through the air, every smell, sound and sight right in my face. I was able to handle it and shake it off but it got me remembering and thinking for a while. In time I get my mind back on the present and all is well. Guess I will always have those hit me here and there. The newest one is at home, been happening since the day we got home from vacation, I walked into the house and smelled my vanilla air freshener, same one I have used for year and have had here but for some reason that day it made me about vomit because it made me flashback to coming back into this house everyday from the hospital or wherever mom and Kim would get me out to. It reminded me of being wheeled out by ambulance out the front door right past that air freshener and it being the last smell of home and the first smell when I get home. Thought it was just once but for some reason every time I get a smell of it the past couple weeks it makes me sick and my skin crawl so I bought a new scent the other day. We will see if it helps!!! I hope so!
All and all we are doing good, the flashbacks and everything will come and go but in the end we choose to move forward and keep healing and growing. We will always have good and bad memories, we will hold tight to the good ones and try to make it through the bad. We will make new good memories and enjoy every day we have together.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013 Two Years...

On July 2, 2011, Derek Anderson, an amazing father, husband, son, brother, uncle and friend died and with his death our world crumbled into a million pieces. I sit here today, 2 years later, looking back and reflecting on this journey and wondering where the road will take us now, as I begin my third year.

When Derek was first gone, I discovered other women in my same situation and blogs on the internet. All the writings and girls said that the second year was worse than the first. I didn’t understand how that could be possible but now I understand it a little more. I don’t know if I can explain why but both years had their struggles, the first year you have a lot of first people say but really you have a lot of first the rest of your life without them here. The second year I grew, grieved, healed and got stronger. I am not the same person I use to be that is for sure. I think the hardest part of the second year is seeing Derek disappear out of our life as far as new memories. We will never forget him or the memories we have of him and we are living our new chapter in our life and will miss him every day.  

Derek changed me and anyone he touched in this life, his smile, his laugh, the way he could talk to anyone or just let you know he cared. I can’t say enough good things about him and all the positive ways he touched my life. He is missed every day, not just today but every day he is thought of, remembered and makes me smile knowing that I was so blessed to have him the time I did. There are also still tears and sadness that come along the way, it is still hard but the memories I hold close and have to hold onto the hope that he is watching over us from a much better place.

Today I will focus on the good things and hope that this journey will continue to get easier for us all as we heal along the way.

 “Hope does not arise from being told to think positively. Hope is the elevating feeling we experience when we see – in the mind’s eye – a path to a better future. The path acknowledges the significant obstacles and deep pitfalls and has no room for delusion. Hope gives us the courage to confront our circumstances and the capacity to surmount them. We are just beginning to appreciate the power of hope and have not defined its limits. I see hope as the very heart of healing.”

- Dr Jerome Groopman, Harvard Medical Professor and Author of the book The Anatomy of Hope.

Thursday, June 27, 2013 Rest...

"Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way whead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.
I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company. breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The higheest level of trust is to enoy Me moment by moemnt. I am with you, wathcing over you wherever you go."

That was my devotional read this morning, good one!!! Not much to say but to please continue to keep me and my family in your prayer. Even when we are smiling and taking life as it comes it is still a daily struggle to live this life. It is ours to live everyday, and it is not always an easy one. There is no just getting back to our life after losing Derek, it is rebuilding it daily and learning how to handle and raise two amazing little boys in this world. It is scary, sad, happy and exciting all mixed up in a bundle. So even when you see us and think we are doing good, which we are just remember we still need your prayers because our journey is still bumpy on days. I thank the wonderful people that I have in my life, because without them and God I don't know if I could do this everyday.

Enjoyed watching the storms with Garret last night on the back porch, something we all use to do together. Garret is an amazing little boy and growing way to fast.

Monday, June 24, 2013 Live Today...

What if you knew how long you had to live?? What would you do different today or tomorrow? Who would you call and tell you loved them or tell them how much they mean in your life?? What would you want people to remember about you? Words are so powerful!!! Some of Derek and my last words to each other that day when he put my helmet back on me on that little corner in Bardstown where "I love you" and I will never forget that. You NEVER know what tomorrow will bring!!!
None of us know how long we have but we should live every day like it's our last in the fact that we should never take anything for granted in this life. God has given each of us our journey in this life to live, that journey can change in the choices we make but he is always there to help put us in the right direction. We all have struggles and obstacles to over come in life and we each as individuals make choices on how we deal with those and how we let them effect us. I try to remember every day to be thankful for every little thing in my life, the people I love and the new things in my life that make me smile just to think that life is going to be okay. I know that it is not always easy to look at it that way and I have my times I struggle and I still have my times I want to give up still just because I want to say this isn't supposed to be my life and I don't want to do this anymore because I am tired. But that is not a choice that I let take over. Even on the days that you are in a little daze, or angry with God for your life not being or going a way you think it should, that is when you have to pray more and trust that God has this. It is far more then just what you think it should be. I can tell you even in my life and the journey I am on that I have hope, healing and see blessings in my life more then I could have ever imgined. Never will mean that you are thankful for what brought you to this point but it means that you cherish everything because of what you have lost, loved and learned along the way.

Friday, June 21, 2013 Progress...

It's always interesting and helps me to look back at my past post and I do it from time to time before I start posting a new one. I looked back and I have a post from June 21, 2012 last year and it talked about a dream and the weird thing is that I didn't remember it till I just read it. Makes me glad I have this blog to look back on and see where I have came from, all the process of my journey and help me know that even when I still have a hard day from time to time that I have came so far. That is why I have been trying to
Things are good, I have been having my days with ups and downs but I think it is me trying to figure out where I am in this between stage of my life. It's hard to blend it all together and feel comfortable with trusting that things will fall into place. I try to blend my old life, my life now and where I see my life going, a little of each I try to keep close but not try to control where it is going. I like to look ahead now, I remember a time that I couldn't look past today or tomorrow or next week. Now I look further and I enjoy seeing my boys grow and heal. It will never be easy to know that their father is not here where he should be to see it from this point and be a part of it but I know he is looking over us and smiling that we are okay and living the life we were given.
I enjoyed some time with my boys last night and seeing them smile, laugh and be kids. They are doing so good it amazes me. I mean they have their moments just like I do but all in all they know that we have to continue to live and they know that their Dad is watching over them from heaven.

Sunday, June 16, 2013 Father's Day 2013...

Father's Day is never the same... Day started out good and we had a good day but it was just a day, not much more then that. These are the moments and days that my heart aches for my boys and I fight the anger of why? what if? and all those questions. So with that I will try to comment on the good that we had because I'm not much with sharing my thoughts and feelings right now.

Derek was an amazing Father to his two boys. The biggest goal he had in life was to give his boys the Father he never got at a young age. He was amazing with them and a lot of time as big of a kid as they were. Silly, fun and always ready to play even when he was tired. Both our boys looked up to Derek probably even more then he ever realized. We miss him every day!!! Happy Father's Day Derek!!! 

Friday, June 7, 2013 Value Life...

“God knows your value; He sees your potential. You may not understand everything you are going through right now. But hold your head up high, knowing that God is in control and he has a great plan and purpose for your life. Your dreams may not have turned out exactly as you’d hoped, but the bible says that God’s ways are better and higher than our ways, even when everybody else rejects you, remember, God stands before you with His arms open wide. He always accepts you. He always confirms your value. God sees your two good moves! You are His prized possession. No matter what you go through in life, no matter how many disappointments you suffer, your value in God’s eyes always remains the same. You will always be the apple of His eye. He will never give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself.”

This little saying I have had for a long time and I sometimes go back to it and read it to help myself remember that I have to trust in things and not worry about the things I can not change or control. It still amazes me on how much this life and journey is full of it's ups and downs and how I continue to battle trusting that things will be okay and knowing that I have to relax a little and not overthink everything but that is just part of who I am and it needs improvement. Had a few bumpy days but as always I have bounced back with help of friends of course that are there anytime I need them to just listen or tell me to relax a little and enjoy the wonderful gifts I do have in my life. I don't know and I can not know where this journey will take me but so far I can't complain because in all that our family has had to deal with since July 2, 2011 we have seen and have had blessings happen in our life. It will never change the fact that the horrible day changed our life or that we miss Derek everyday but it reminds us that we have to hold our heads up high and live this life and don't ever take even one breath or blessing for granted. Life is good for our boys and me, we have settled into our new "norm" or this "chapter" of our life. I like this chapter and the direction my journey is going these days and I will continue to take it a day at a time. I have days I miss my old chapter but I know that was my life and there is no changing what happened, I will cherish the life I had always and never regret the time I had Derek in my life even if it was cut way too short but because of that life and the things Derek taught me I will live the life I have been given to live. I will have days or moments, I will fall down but I will always get back up and continue forward. Because this is our life, we were given it to live and we will live to the fulliest.

Monday, June 3, 2013 Along the way...

Encyclopedia defines GRIEF is a mulit-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, coginitive, behavorial, social, and philosophical dimensions.
Some days the grief will hit you like a tons of bricks and it seems like it just happened yesterday and then there are days that you get through the day without the pain hitting, I am guessing that it will always be like that. I have been asked by different people when I feel that you get over grief, well I don't think you ever do. Time does not end the grief or stop the pain of losing someone you love. My new "normal" is part of my regular life, it is good and I am starting new chapters but some days it seems like I am watching from a different view. Like there is no way I can be doing this and living this life. Time does not make the grief go away it just helps you heal and helps it get easier but it is always there. Time is just a reason for the rest of the world to think you are all healed and over your grief but that's not how it works for us who live it. I will admit that time does help, it does make the pain less raw, it makes the memories easier to smile at and cherish. It helps me cherish every moment of time that I have now with the people that I love.
For me as I've said before it is the anxiety that gets me everytime, my mind can put me into a crazy spin that makes me feel like I can't breathe. Just the past couple weeks I have been getting a lot of anxiety about Sunday June 2nd (23 months) and the 2 year mark coming up. But once Sunday came I was okay, I had a good day and didn't really think about it much during that day. Of course it would pop in my head here and there but all and all I was good. It is just a date, I don't miss him any more that day then I do any other day that goes by.
I have learned that everyone's grief is different and everyone has to deal with it in their own way and it will make you the person you are in the end. I am not the same person I was two years ago, there is good and bad to that. I miss the old me sometimes, not being scared of things and having that security. But I also like who I am now and I try to embrace it everyday. I try not to let the grief and Derek's loss to take anymore from me and our boys then it already has. But there are days that I can't believe that life is what it is without him. I look too far ahead at our boys life without their father in it and all the things he wanted to do with them. But in the end it will be okay, we will be okay.

Thursday, May 9, 2013 Roller Coaster Ride....

You've heard me before talk about my roller coaster ride of a life and it continues with all the little things day in and day out. You have to take the good with the bad. These days there are more good in which I thank God for daily. But the bad still hit or bump me here and there.
Been struggling with Garret these days on listening and all, I lose my patience with him sometimes and then get mad at myself. It's hard to be mom 24/7, not to have someone to bounce things off of, calm you down before you yell at them or overreact or just tag team when you have hit your limit. It is a huge adjustment for me. I had a rough night the over night and yelled at him, we both laid down crying, I was mad at Derek and God for having me do this alone, that was not the plan or how my life was suppose to be, at least in my little mind. I get on those little pity parties occasionally when I let things get to me. But in the end I walked in and kissed them both and told them I loved them. Never go to sleep mad or upset with someone, you never know what morning will bring. I just have to work on my patience and chill before I yell, lesson I learn over and over as a parent. The neighbor and I always tease about if we ever hear each other yelling at our children, funny thing is we never have heard each other, but we are human and we do it sometimes. Those boys are amazing and I know that, I know that I am strong enough with God's help to do this and I will. Just have bumps sometimes.
Witnessed an accident the other day, probably the first since mine, it could have been so much worse then it was but it was pretty sudden and the car was going so fast. Thank God it went to the grass and not into us head on, he hit a telephone pole and broke it in half, was able to stand up and walk away from the car. People sometimes forget what power they have behind the wheel, so take it slow and please put down the phone. It was all so fast and froze me, I became completely numb and flashing back to so many things that I don't even want to share. It can happen in a split of a second and change so many lives.
The next morning I got up to a new day and have been smiling ever since, because it is a new day and I try to count my blessings every day. I have a lot to be happy about and lucky to have. Had an amazing start to Mother's Day weekend with a dinner, flowers and etc... already. Boys picked out a hanging flower for me, mom said it wasn't the prettiest but that it was the one that they had to have for me and that is all that counts. Today I woke up feeling very Lucky and special, that is always a hard one because people may think I am crazy to feel lucky but I am and what I have learned along the way has taught me that. Doesn't mean that it is okay what happen and it doesn't make me sad, it just means that it makes me hold on to the one's I love more and know that each day I am lucky to have them in my life. Our boys and I are still here and will live each day to the fullest even with the bumps in the road. As I said from the beginning, we will laugh and smile in our house every day even if it comes with tears some days.
I heard this morning yet another young man that I know and went to high school with died this morning, it makes me sad but it should also remind us that life is short.

"This Is Your Life"

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

Tuesday, May 7, 2013 Need to read everyday...

I posted the below post on January 9, 2012 and I still to this day should read this everyday because as everyone I get caught up in the everyday things and I don't stop to breathe or appreciate what I have even after all the loss. It is easy to do in this busy world but we all need to really take notice because it can be taken in a blink of an eye. Time flies by.
I remember when I use to get sick to my stomach and complete withdraw on the 2nd of every month just because Derek died on the 2nd but this month I was so busy I didn't have time to even think about it. Is that good or bad, I don't know. I am still grieving and healing everyday but it is in a different way. I smile more when I think of him and I feel happy that I had Derek in my life for the time I did. I still miss him daily and there is still always something everyday that pops in my head of how he would do it or react to me doing something a certain way. Especially around the house or on something that he would have been doing but it is always a thought with a smile. I never thought I would get to where the memories would make me smile but they do. In this chapter of my life I know that I was blessed to have him in my life for the time I did and that we had two amazing boys together. It kills me to know what he will miss during our boys life but I know he will always be looking over us and smiling down as these two boys grow into amazing men. And I have to focus on the good and not the missing pieces.
So please remember to slow down, breathe and count your blessings.
Pictures are from my Nephew's wedding that the boys were in, it felt great to be with family and celebrate the beginning of Brent and Shelby's life together, Derek would be so proud of Brent and the young man he has turned into.
Post from January 9, 2012:

What I try to believe in life, because not everyone understands just how precious it really is…

Life is crazy, and totally unpredictable...
It's going to bring you to your knees, kick you while you're down,
and hit you when you try to get back up.
Not everything can beat you but things are going to change you.
Listen to your heart, Follow your dreams or make news ones when yours get shattered and let no one tell you what you're capable of.
Push the limits, Bend the rules, and enjoy every minute of it.
Laugh at everything, Live for as long as you can.
Love all but be careful who you trust with your heart..
Believe in yourself, and never lose faith in others
Settle for nothing but only the best, And give 110% in everything you do.
Take risks, Live on the edge, Yet stay safe,
And cherish every single moment of it!!!
Life is a gift, appreciate all of it, and jump on every opportunity.
Not every one's going to love you, but who needs them anyways.
Challenge everything, and fight for what you believe.
Back down to nothing, but give in to the little things in life,
After all, that is what makes you.
Forget the unnecessary, But remember everything,
Bring it with you everywhere you go. Memories are Priceless!!!
Learn something new, hate nothing, But dislike what you want.
Never forget where you came from, and always remember where you are going.

Even when it’s hard to see!!!
Live Life to its fullest, and have a reason for everything,
Even if it's totally insane. Find your purpose in life, and Live it!

This might not always be easy to see every day in this journey that we are all

On but we have to remember that it is our life to live and you only get one chance.

So even during the dark and hard times, remember there is more!!!

When life gets to be more than you can stand….

Kneel!!!

I believe in the Sun even when it is not shining…

In love even when I am alone…And in God even when he is silent!!!

 

Tuesday, April 23, 2013 Dad's Tree...

This is a picture of Garret helping me with the Landscaping last night. He was a huge help and worked so hard. He worked the hardest on his dad's tree (in pictures), pulling all the weeds and putting down all the mulch very detailed, they love that tree and I am very glad we planted it. Both boys will ask all the time "when will dad's tree be big enough for us to climb" such a little question but for me it is hard to think that one day they will be able to and that much time will have past but the tree will stand strong just like Derek and his boys. I hope to live in that house a long time and that my boys kids will be able to climb that tree one day and know what an amazing man Derek was from the stories our boys tell them. Garret has decided that he will have kids at age 25, so I guess I have 14 more years as he told me the other day. I can't believe how big they both have gotten and how grown up they can act sometimes. Guess they haven't had much choice but to grow up fast after all they have dealt with in their little life. They will experience more then most adults will in their life. But they will be strong and good men!!! I am so very proud of both my boys and get tears in my eyes when I think how they must feel some days but I have faith that it will all be okay.

Monday, April 15, 2013 Missing Dad...

My boys are so amazing but it kills me to see the pain they have had to deal with in the past twenty-one months. They miss their dad so much every day but some days it's even harder when they get a good grade on a test, grow a little taller on the door frame measurement that Derek started when they were three years old. When they win a soccer or basketball game, or when they lose a game. When they walk away from a game and a lot of Dad's are there to tell their kid, good job, great game. Of course I try to make up for that but sometimes nothing can make that feeling any better. I can't tell you what they think at times like that, they try to talk but like me I don't think you can describe in words what that raw feeling is. They have been cheated so much by losing Derek at a young age and it still hits my angry nerve when I see that loss sad look in their eye. I try to pray but it really makes it hard when you see your children suffer. They will never smile the same, that little look in their eye that they would get when they would hear their dad's voice come in from work will never be there. Are they happy, they smile and they laugh, yes but it is forever different and it's that pain that is the hardest for them and for me to watch. Don't get me wrong they have came so far, it gets easier with time and I am so proud of them, they are good boys and I have put some really good men in their life to help them fill some of that void but even I sometimes stop and the reality of what they are going through as children hits me. I know the questions and thoughts that go through my head, I can't even imagine what they think. I know they have sadness and anger over it, they do talk to me about it but as I said to put it into words is so hard. I hate to think of all the things Derek will miss, first date, driving, prom, graduation, weddings, granchildren, it's all part of reality. I know that they will grow up to be happy boys and good boys because of the way they were raised and for a lot of reasons but I only wish this was not a part of their story and journey.
As most of you know the boys go to a bereavement camp once a year and I saw this article the other day and thought it was worth posting, it's long but it might just be worth reading. It is an example of how many children lose a parent in this world and we probably all know more then one unfortunately so maybe it's worth reading. Or maybe it's worth taking a little time out of your schedule to be a part of that persons life even if it's just tossing the ball around or going for ice cream. Because for those kiddos it is an every day battle.

By Jeffry Zaslow for the Wall Street Journal

For adults who were children when their parents died, the question is hypothetical but heartbreaking: “Would you give up a year of your life to have one more day with your late mother or father?”

One in nine Americans lost a parent before they were 20 years old, and for many of them, this sort of question has been in their heads ever since.

“I’d give up a year of my life for just half a day with my parents,” says Jonathan Herman, a 33-year-old health-care executive in New York. He lost both his parents to cancer before he was 13. “I’ve had friends complain that they have to drive to see their parents for Thanksgiving,” he says. “I tell them: I’d do anything to spend Thanksgiving with my parents.”

When polled, 57% of adults who lost parents during childhood shared Mr. Herman’s yearnings, saying they, too, would trade a year of their lives. Their responses, part of a wide-ranging new survey, indicate that bereavement rooted in childhood often leaves emotional scars for decades, and that our society doesn’t fully understand the ramifications—or offer appropriate resources. The complete survey of more than 1,000 respondents, set for release later this month, was funded by the New York Life Foundation on behalf of Comfort Zone Camp, a nonprofit provider of childhood bereavement camps.

Among the findings: 73% believe their lives would be “much better” if their parents hadn’t died young; 66% said that after their loss “they felt they weren’t a kid anymore.”

Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.

Students are often promoted from grade to grade, with new teachers never being informed that they’re grieving. Adults visit physicians, speak of depression, but are never asked if a childhood loss might be a factor.

New research suggests it’s time to pay closer attention. Children whose parents commit suicide, for instance, are three times as likely to commit suicide later in their lives, according to a just-released study by Johns Hopkins Children’s Center in Baltimore. The study also found that those who lost parents young are more likely to be hospitalized for depression or to commit violent crimes.

In the 2009 memoir “The Kids Are All Right,” four siblings from Bedford, N.Y., orphaned in the 1980s, described the risks in harrowing detail. They wrote of “growing up as lost souls,” and turning to drugs and other troubling behaviors as coping mechanisms.

It’s a common story. Gary Jahnke, 31, of Hastings, Minn., was 13 when his mother died of cancer. “I gave up on my good grades and dropped out of high school,” he says. “I didn’t do anything except drink, do drugs and be depressed. I was confused and angry, and adults didn’t know how to help me. I had a good relationship with my dad, but he was also grieving.” Mr. Jahnke credits his wife with helping him on his “upward climb,” and says his 2-month-old daughter has given his life purpose.

Support groups, which grieving adults often find helpful, seem less beneficial to bereaved children, says Holly Wilcox, a psychiatric epidemiologist who led the Hopkins study. Children are more apt to be buoyed by engaging in normal kid activities with supportive peers, and by receiving attention from adult relatives or friends who encourage them to talk about their feelings.

At the same time, the mental-health issues of grieving kids need to be better monitored by primary-care physicians in the days, months and years after their parents die, Dr. Wilcox says.

When surveyed about how they processed their grief, adults whose parents died when they were young speak of touchstones. They were helped by looking at old videos with surviving family members, by listening to favorite music and by writing memories of their parents in journals. Some chafed at more-formal approaches; 33% said talking to therapists or school guidance counselors were the “least helpful” activities.

The early loss of a parent can make some people more resilient, responsible and independent, the research shows. But there are risks there, too. Kids who get through by being stoic and behaving like adults often “pay a fierce price—namely their childhoods,” says Ms. Hughes. They focus on trying to keep their surviving parent happy or on stepping up to handle the responsibilities of their deceased parent.

Donica Salley, a 50-year-old cosmetics sales director in Richmond, Va., understands well the ramifications of losing a parent. When she was 13, her 44-year-old father drowned while on vacation in the Bahamas. “That was the onset of my depression,” she says. “My mom tried to fill the void and the hurt by buying me things.”

Two years ago, Ms. Salley’s husband died after falling off the roof of their house while cleaning the gutters. He was also 44. Their 17-year-old son has since attended a Comfort Zone camp. “It’s a safe haven for him,” Ms. Salley says. “There’s something about being with people who’ve been through it. When my father died, I didn’t know anyone who’d lost a parent. I was alone.”

The weekend bereavement camps, held in five states and serving 2,500 children a year, are designed “to catch kids at the beginning of their grief journeys,” Ms. Hughes says. About half of the camp’s 5,000 volunteers are adults who lost parents when they were young.

Christopher Blunt, an executive at New York Life and a camp volunteer, was 22 when his mom passed away. He tells of leading a “healing circle” discussion with eight campers, as they shared how their parents died—to suicide, a drug overdose, cancer.

One 10-year-old girl told the others about a day when she was 5 years old and got mad at her father. He came into her bedroom to kiss her good night, and she pretended she was asleep because she didn’t want to talk to him. He died of a heart attack the next day. “She’d been carrying this story with her for five years,” says Mr. Blunt, 48. “It’s so powerful to see the raw emotions these kids share.”

Some activists say it’s vital to start helping young people even before their parents die. To that end, the Georgia-based Jack & Jill Late Stage Cancer Foundation provides free vacations to families in which one parent is terminally ill. The organization was founded by Jon and Jill Albert, shortly before Jill’s 2006 death to cancer at age 45. Their children were then 11 and 13.

“When Jill passed away, people who lost parents when they were young told me it would be a 30-year impact for the kids,” says Mr. Albert, 48. His organization, with the help of corporate sponsors, has sent 300 families on vacations.

“These trips allow families to build memories, and to take a lot of pictures and videos together,” says Mr. Albert.

After their parents die, some of the children might find it painful to look at these last photos of them enjoying life as a family. But Mr. Herman, who lost his dad when he was 4 and his mother when he was 12, says such images can be a gift later in adulthood. For years, he resisted watching the video of his 9th birthday. But he now finds it cathartic to see his mother healthy, hugging him and calling his name.

“I haven’t heard my father’s voice since I was 4 years old,” he says. “It doesn’t exist [on tape]. It hurts not to hear him.” He admits he feels a touch envious of children who lose parents today, because they have so many more digital images to hold on to.

For many who lost parents young, one particular birthday in their adult years is highly anticipated—and bittersweet. “My mom was 44 when she died. My dad was 45,” says Ms. Hughes. “I just turned 46 in April, and it was a huge exhale for me. I had to live to 46 to break the curse.”

Ms. Hughes, who has two young children, says she has made progress in dealing with her loss. She no longer fantasizes about giving up a year of her life for a day with her parents. “I wouldn’t want to miss a year with my own kids.”

* * * *

Reposted from the Wall Street Journal. View original article.

Thursday, April 11, 2013 Dash...

My amazing friend Stephanie did the reading of the below poem at her father's funeral and did a great job. I have heard this poem way back when but it never really meant the same thing as it does today. Events in our lives change us, change the way we think, the way we feel, the way we hurt and the way we love. We have little control over the dates on our gravestones, but we do have a choice on how we live the dash between those dates. I know that I will continue to make my dash mean something and live everyday of it to the fullest. That's all we can do in this world, we all have struggles, fears, pain and loss. There are so many things that happen in this world that we will never understand but we all have a choice to continue to live and trust in God. I will never understand why things happen but it's not my place to understand, it is my place to trust in God and live my life till I can have those questions answered one day. These days I face each day with a smile and encouraged that no matter what happens that I have this and God has me. So do something today to make a good impact on your dash and in turn it might just affect someone else's dash in the process. So tell the important people in your life that you love them, hug them a little longer and let them know how important they are in your life.

The Dash

by Linda Ellis copyright 1996

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,

remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013 Blessings...

Been a hard few days with sick kids and other things hitting, and I normally would want to crawl into my little ball and disappear but I know that isn't the answer. I'm figuring it out as I go with little signs that life is going to be okay again, not the same, never the same but different. And in my world Different can really be a good and wonderful thing, a place where we can hope, have dreams, smile, laugh and breathe.
In my youngest Ethan's words, we are okay, we will never be okay with what happen and that Derek is not here but we are okay with where we are.
We can't change what happen or bring Derek back so we live!!! Good and Bad we take it and keep going. We will miss him every day and always think of him. He is a part of us forever and that is why we got this far.
I started the day completely overwhelmed and in tears driving home from work to another sick kiddo after already missing two days of work. I'm trying to figure out how to get all my work done, not make work mad, take care of my babies, take care of a best friend who lost her wonderful father and get to her and then have a conference call about Garret's progress at school and middle school. I was about to explode and I just had a long talk with God and said I can't do this alone, I feel alone a lot but I know even know I turned my back on God that he is still here. I then walked in the door to both  kids sick and my amazing mom who once again came to my rescue. To tell me that whatever I need her to do she is there no matter what it is. Then I got on the phone to a dear friend to tell me it's all going to be okay. As the day went on I got a lot of work done from home, I also cleaned everything with bleach and Lysol to get rid of these nasty germs. I even got a wonderful call from my daddy to check on us and know it is a blessing that I still have him.
Then I was unloading the dish washer and for the first time in 21 months I realized I cooked 4 times last week and that all my plates were in the dish washer. I remember telling a friend that I didn't think I would ever want to cook again. Just a little sign that no matter what, God has me and has a plan for me. That is hard to see most days when we get caught up in all the worries and problems of the every day. Or feeling overwhelmed by all the things I have to get done. It is a lot and it is very overwhelming most days but I just need to stop and breathe some. Realize that it is okay, take one thing at a time and handle it.
I remember when I first met another Widow friend of mine at Derek's Funeral and later when she visited in the hospital with another of her widow friends. I was like how in the heck can they be so into God and okay with him after what we have lost. I didn't understand it and I thought it was crazy. But I am starting to get it, when you hit rock bottom, well you find your faith the only thing to hold onto. Took me a while to get it and I am still learning daily. But as that same dear friend told me back then and I didn't exactly get yet, this is the closest walk you will have with God and your faith. I'm starting to understand that now. Because I've tried to do it my way and yet he has waited patiently until I was ready for help. I'm not there yet but I'm on my way. I know that I have a number of friends that don't really believe that same thing I do and we have had those talks a lot since the accident and they have always been very respectfully to my faith and I only hope they can understand even more after seeing my journey. And there is yet more to come on this journey.
We have blessings every day and sometimes get to busy in life to see them, or to caught up in our grief to see or want to see. I've learned you tell the people I love that I love them, hug my babies every day and thank God every day even if I don't see the blessings he gives daily.

Sunday, March 24, 2013 Other Side...

Do you remember what it's like to be stuck in a traffic jam? Minutes drag on like hours. Your car creeps at a snail's pace. Other drivers vent their frustration by trying to sneak past on shoulder. Truckers linger back, creating huge gaps in the traffic. If only you could get around them! If only you could get to the other side of the mess. And you finally do. You move past the roadblock and spring down the highway free of obstructions, rapidly leaving the frustration behind. You've gotten to the other side. Grief has another side. Every ending contains within itself the seeds of a new beginning. You have to play a active role in your grief. You can't just park along the shoulder and expect the traffic to disappear. If you want healing to happen, you must take charge and consciously begin to build a new life.

Friday, March 15, 2013 This New Life...

The fiery widowed road is beyond the understanding of anyone who has not been forced to tread its path of pain and sorrow. In the early parts of this journey, there are days that death seems preferable to continuing to arise and face another day. You welcome getting to sleep at night so you don't have to think or remember what you've lost and you hate waking in the morning to a new day without the person you've lost.
But slowly oh so slowly - we heal and slowly we create a new life. In my early days and months of this world it was inconceivable that life could EVER be joyful again. But slowly and oh so slowly, we put one foot in front of the other on the devastating widowed road. There comes a day we first smile and immediately fell guilty "he is dead" what is wrong with me??? But as time goes by you welcome the smiles and the memories of what you had and it warms your heart. There were days that I felt I could face life with some optimism and ten minutes later we fall into a deep. black hole of tears and hopelessness. But then somehow we manage to dig ourselves out of the ravages over and over to face another day.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, the beat goes on somehow.
This journey brings many lessons, real lessons, not words and they have become the values that I guide my life. I will love stronger, hurt deeper and never take anything for granted and I will appreciate every breath, every step and every smile.
Love is all that matters
We have nothing but this moment in which we stand, cherish it
Material things are not what is important
Take NO person for granted
NEVER leave those you love in anger
Know that you are not alone, GOD is there even when he is silence
A person can withstand more pain than one ever imagined
TRUE Friends stand with you - NO matter what!!!
Kindness and Time are the greatest gifts we can give.
This is my journey and my life, and I will live it with my boys and make the best of it. I wake up to face the day and look forward to the life I have to live. I still hurt, I still cry and I still miss Derek to depth that are beyond words. But with that I will live a stronger life because of him.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace that I never thought I could have. And it felt good! While driving into work I got to watch the sun rise and as most of you know that is always Derek saying good morning to me. He was shiny on me this morning to tell me it is going to be okay. Even past the pain, the loneliness, and the fears it will be okay until I see him again. I could feel the warmth on my face as I drove and for the first time in a long time I felt a peace I can't describe and I will take it because I know that the grief monster will have days when he stabs me in the gut but I will take each day as it comes.