I was reading my personal journal tonight and I had an entry around our first Thanksgiving and it helps me to see how far I've come but yet how far I still have to go in some things...
November 2011 I wrote to you that I couldn't do this anymore without you. I am trying to turn it all over to God but I fight it every day. I don't talk to him anymore and I never look up. I want to change that but don't know how to get this voice out of my head saying really Coni you believe this. Why would this happen? Why? What if???
Back then I was still asking so many questions and had so much anger at God but I was so far from understanding anything. Not saying I understand anything better except that I trust that in it all God did not make this happen and no matter what he has my back. I will never get the answers to the questions I ask myself so many times. It is such a hard journey that nobody understands till they have been there and even then it is different for each one. Its a scary and lonely journey that you just keep moving forward on. Every little thing in my life has changed since that day, and I mean every single little thing and that is a very hard part. Tomorrow will be 29 months/885 days since our life was shattered, I was talking to a friend the other day about time, time does help us heal but the bigger that number getting it brings a whole new flood of feelings that are hard to explain. I know how far we all have come and I know for a fact that I am lucky to be walking and doing things since that day but luck is a hard word to use sometimes.
It was a good Thanksgiving with family and friends. We smiled and laughed. All the wonderful text that I received from old and new friends and family meant so much, each one was so much needed.
No comments:
Post a Comment