Tuesday, December 18, 2012 Our Boys...

It has alreday been a long week and it's only Tuesday. Poor Ethan has been very sick so I've been home with him. Hate seeing my boys so sick but he seems to be on the up side. But it was two long nights of little sleep while he was running a 104.6 fever. The first night at 4am I was not good, he was shaking, fever 104.6 and I couldn't decide what to do and it was all up to me to decide. So I decided to breathe and know that I just needed to give it time since he was still drinking. But laying there it just made it all so much more reality, these two boys are Derek's and mine, nobody else. Of course their grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends love them dearly but when it comes to the mom and dad decisions, it is now all mom decisions. Nobody else has that connection to them then me, all me, it was always suppose to be Derek and me doing this together, that was the plan and that was how it was suppose to be. But I am learning that now it's me for my boys. It was a very hard reality to look at in that way, just weird the different ways things will shake you some days.

Friday, December 14, 2012 Christmas for us...

I love the Christmas season, the sights and sound and smells that come with this time of year. But, for our family there is a touch of melancholy that hangs in the air.
It is Grief!!!
A few Christmas's ago we were decorating our home and buying presents for the boys and never imagined our life could be any different or better. As of July 2, 2011 that all changed, there is now a huge hole in our family, lives and Christmas season. The emptiness that matches the empty spot of his stocking on the manual. We still have a joyful family and love Christmas but there will always be one less of us to celebrate these earthly holidays and an emptiness I can't describe in words.
The sad thing is that we are not alone, I have met way too many women, men and children that will be remembering a loved one this Christmas season and missing them just as we miss Derek. And my heart aches for each of us especially during this time of the year. As we celebrate Christ's birth, I can not help but know that my God knows the grief I bear. So as we take time to look back and remember Derek we also will take time to look ahead at our life and the plan God has for it from here on out. As hard as that is for me to trust, that is what I have to hold onto, trust that God has a plan for us and will always catch us when we fall to our knees. We will smile, laugh and cry this holiday season but we continue to get stronger and continue to move forward. We know that Derek is celebrating in an amazing place this year for the second time, as hard as that is to wrap our head around we have to find some peace in that fact.
Please pray for my family this Christmas season and any other family that is out there bearing the grief that we have. I can never explain in words this difficult world we live in but we do it because we have no other choice. The boys miss their wonderful father every day, they know what they are missing so much that it hurts me so deep but they also remember what a wonderful father they had and they are happy they have those memories. So I will continue to grow, to find our life and what it is suppose to be as I wipe my baby boys tears and make them smile and laugh. I thank God every day for the dear friends that Derek and I have, the text, the cards and the special little treats that all come at the time they are needed most mean more then anyone can imagine.

Friday, November 30, 2012 In my Dreams...

You were in my dream last night, just you and me, it is always so bittersweet, doesn't happen very often at all but when it does it still takes my breath to wake up and realize it was just a dream and that your really still gone. I even rolled over to tell you hold me but you weren't there like you were in my dream. When I woke in my dream you were wiping my tears away. I want to tell you so much about how amazing our boys are doing and what amazing individuals they are becoming. I still struggle in my faith but I know that I'm not doing it alone, there are days I get tired and feel like giving up but then I get a little push from God and you to not stop, not a choice. We are doing good babe, not saying every moment is great and that we don't have our moments but we are living because we know that is what you would want. This world will never be the same without you but it is a better place because of you. But it is a new day!!! We love and miss you so much!!!

“Holidays are time spent with loved ones” this was imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. They bring meaning to certain days and we bring much meaning back to them. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, it is a difficult time for the ones that have lost a loved one. For many of us, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual at the holidays. It was always such an excited time of year while we were growing up and we continued that tradition in our house with our boys. Ethan loves Christmas so much, his favorite time of the year, I think it has to do with the presents but I love to see his smile when he talks about it. This year will be our second Christmas without Derek here. Some people tell me the second year is harder but I really don't know, I don't know if any day, month or year is harder or easier to a degree. I think you learn ways to heal and ways to live to where you have the good and bad moments. I think time makes it easier but it never takes it away. Our days, weeks, months, years and especially holidays will never pass without a thought of what we miss and what we have lost. But we are learning to smile a true smile and laugh a true laugh and learn to heal as we do it. It is a choice like anything else in this life, we choose to live, this accident took too much from us and we won't let it take more. There is no going back, there is no changing it and there is no giving up. It is a roller coaster full of ups and downs, I had a bad couple weeks and I felt completely lost and empty but I have gotten to the other side of that, it will come back again could be a week, a month or whenever because grief doesn't understand time. The most important part is that you continue to move through it and heal. I now get stronger every time I get past one of those times. And I try not to worry about the next time it will hit me.

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Monday, November 19, 2012 Memories...

I'm sitting in the basement watching the boys play football on the XBox360. Don't spend much time down here, last year I couldn't walk down the stairs at this time and since then I'm just trying to find the comfort zone for down here like I have the rest of the house. As I sit here so much hits me. Ethan sits and holds the remote just like his dad, on the end the couch with his elbow on his knees while holding the remote. It amazes me the little things they do like Derek without even realizing they do. I look at the couch where Derek and I sat so many times and played keep away with the boys with the football, we use to laugh at them so much playing that game. I look over and see the picture of Derek and Garret when he was 6 months, Derek went and got their picture taken for my first Mother's Day, I love that picture. I remember all the Christmas mornings we spent down here, we would stay up the night before wrapping gifts down here which Derek hated but still helped over a glass of wine, it would always end up to be one of our favorite nights as we made sure Christmas was extra special for our boys. He would always put the video camera up every Christmas and video that morning, still haven't been able to watch those videos yet. In time I will. Just looking at the walls that just the two of us spent many days and nights down here painting so we didn't have to pay someone to do it. Every time we finished a wall or part of the ceiling one of us would say never again. It was a huge project. But before that we spent a week insulating the walls and ceilings and that was funny to say the least. A lot of work down here but all of memories. It's still hard to believe all we have is memories. I mean I have memories of other things in my life but this part I didn't get a choice in, it is overwhelming what we have lost. But I will cherish my memories for that is what I have and I will cherish our two boys for everything they are, a mix of their daddy and me.

Sunday, November 18, 2012 Who I Am...

I continue down this road of finding out who I am without Derek, it is full of ups and downs, full of pain from all angles, I get tired and I still want to give up some days but its not an option. So I keep going and see what each day brings. This week will be a bumpy one I am sure, short week for boys at school and for me at work but Wednesday 21st would be Derek and my 14th wedding anniversary, then our second Thanksgiving without him, then Friday will be Garret second Birthday without his daddy and he turns 11 years old. He amazes me everyday with his strength and what an amazing individual he is, Derek would be so proud of both his boys. So I will keep my head up high and start this week and stay strong. Only option!!!

Moments and life passes by without Derek here, some days I feel myself sinking some and struggle with it all. Just as I feel like giving in to that sinking feeling I remember Derek’s smile and remember what he would expect of me. This life of being a widow is not easy but I will not lean on that or let it define me, I don’t expect anyone to understand it or treat me different, but please be careful to respect it and not try to even think you know what it is like because until you are here you will never know and I hope nobody ever does. I try to get to where life is okay and good but some days it seems far away especially when I get knocked backwards with things. Every time I get knocked back it brings the numb and lost feeling bad stronger and takes a little longer to get past it but I eventually do. But I keep getting up and continue to push forward to what end I don’t know and I will never know till I get there.

The holidays are coming up and that makes all three of us a little off with everything.  Holidays are normally a time for family fun and celebration but when you grieve the loss of someone the season is different and there is this pain that will never go away. Yes we will enjoy the holidays, smile and laugh but it is that pain that someone is missing, it doesn’t get better as years pass and I would hope nobody would expect it to be. Grieving as I have learned is a long process of healing that I believe I will continue to do through the rest of my life. Some people I don’t think understand that, like it is time to get over it or as the years go on that it just gets easier and better. As people go on with their lives they think about it less but in our world it is still very raw and fresh daily, yes it gets easier and we remember the good more and more.  No matter how your life goes you never just get over losing someone like we did. And anyone who knew Derek will understand that because they will feel the same way.

All I can say is pray for us and for anyone else that you know that has lost a loved one, unfortunately I know too many now that will spend their first, second or more years without their loved one there. So please remember they are vulnerable during these times even more, so hug them or be kind with your words don’t try to think you understand just be a friend. My heart goes out to all the widows that this will be your first holidays without your husband, keep your head up and stay strong, even when you don’t feel like you can.

Sunday, November 11, 2012 Strength...

I'm tired these days in more ways then one. Life just keeps rushing by and doesn't slow down to let us get our breath. Maybe that is a good thing, slowing down may be even harder. I can't believe it is November, which means my second anniversary without Derek, Garret's second birthday without his dad, and our second Thanksgiving without Derek. Doesn't even seem possible some days.
We are doing pretty good most days, boys have found their laugh and smiles again and are enjoying life. They still miss their daddy every day but it doesn't seem to totally consume them as much. They let theirselves be kids and have fun, I love to see it. But at the same time it is a reality of how it is going to be. They still bring their daddy up, probably not as much as they use to but it is still talked about daily in our house. I guess as we go on and make more new memories and live, they will start talking about all the new memories and not as much the old ones. I still make it a point to sit and talk to them about the old. I don't want them to forget anything but I never want them to feel guilty for living and making new memories. Their daddy will always be a part of them and in their heart. He would be so proud of the and how they have grown. Ethan is a true little turkey, a big mix of Derek's personality and mine. He has his daddy's little silly things and my hard head and will to not back down. Garret is also a mix of us but in different ways. He is an amazing little man, he is determined to take care of anything that comes up, he is becoming an amazing individual who is determined to do anything he puts his mind to and teach himself anything his daddy is not here to show him. They are amazing little boys who make me smile every day even on the hard ones.
As far as mom goes, well I'm doing what I have to, taking care of all three of us. Been a little bumpy lately with things but still pushing forward. My brain is on overload and my heart hurts every day but I continue to keep going and trying to figure out what my life is supposed to be. Which is not easy, hard to know what your life looks like and have it ripped out from under you. Now I have no idea what it will look like tomorrow, next month or next year guess I never really did know. I use to not care and live for the day, and that is what I'm working to get back to. Live for today, can't live in the past because it will not change and can't live in the future because its not here yet. Cherish each day and what you have. I'm reading a book that is trying to teach me to do this more but it is still a struggle. I learn new things about myself every day. I also learn new things about people and life everyday, sometimes you want to believe in people so much that it isn't possible. Some people in this world just struggle with happiness and living for today and I still do but I refuse to let it control me, I will keep going and be okay. Today is all we are guaranteed and we should try and cherish it, don't let the past or what might happen or not happen in the future control today.
It is weird to sit back and watch everyone get on with their life, nothing wrong with it because that is what we have to do but its just weird.

Thursday, November 1, 2012 Here again...

A little bumpy week and day, so here I am again writing to get it out of my head. It amazes me that I can be going forward and doing okay, but then it gets a little bumpy and its hard to get control and step back. We had parent teacher conference tonight and the boys got such amazing reports, Derek would be so proud but yet he wasn't there like every time before and I can't even call and tell him about it, it is weird the little things like that hit me the hardest. Ethan's was good and smooth, then we get to Garret's and they are talking about all the amazing things he is doing so good at that he has struggled with, I fault the tears but it broke my heart that his daddy's wasn't there to hear it. How can that be, our boys should have that and I can't fix it for them. I think I told them a dozen times tonight how proud of them I was, they are so amazing with everything they deal with. So I told them again when I tucked them in tonight and then I cried it out. None of this will ever make sense and I will always never understand why my boys and all of us had to lose so much but I will cry it out and get up tomorrow even stronger and keep moving forward. Only choice we get! My boys are learning to truly live even know they have lost and it helps me live and know that we are okay.

Friday, October 26, 2012 Patience...

Patience is allowing time to run its course and allowing people, including ourselves, to work and grow at our own pace. Patience moves our minds away from frustrations, expectations or “shoulds” and aligns us with reality. When we are patient, our energy is available to make good things happen.

We live in a world where we want things right away

We act as if we have no time to wait

Patience has to be one of the hardest traits to master

You could be waiting on an answer that will decide your career

So many feelings you may have

Such as anxiety, nerves and worry…

Of not hearing the outcome you want to hear

Can be very difficult at times

There is a saying that says, good things come to those who wait

Romans 8 v 25, “The longer we wait the more joyful our expecting,

Be patience enough to live one day at a time as Jesus taught us

Letting yesterday go and leaving tomorrow till it arrives”

Patience with others is love

Patience with self is hope

Patience with God is faith

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 Shattered Glass

Well we are headed back from a good vacation at Disney, lots of old memories around every corner but we did our best to make new ones. I am so proud of the boys for letting themselves enjoy this trip, yes they talked about their daddy some but they just let themselves be kids and that was so amazing to see. Proud of them both even know they wore mom out!
The night before I left I knocked a wine glass off the counter and it hit the floor hard, shattering into a million little pieces. I of course cleaned it up with a broom and dustpan, then ran the vacuum over the floor. But then later that night and the next day before I left I found pieces in corners, under the table and I know a month from now I will find a piece in the most odd place. Guess that is a lot like my life, I will spend years picking up fragments of our shattered family after Derek's death. And just when I think I have it all another piece will emerge. I guess that's probably a weird way to look at it but that is what came to my mind as I was on my hands and knees cleaning it up and I don't expect anyone to understand it. It is a journey and not one that you just get over or get past, it is a part of me and my life that I know I will continue picking up all the pieces even the ones that emerge from the most odd places, even the ones that cut and leave more scars but the important thing is I never stop trying to pick it all up and make it okay for us again.

Friday, October 19, 2012 Happy 42th Birthday...

Happy Birthday my love, I can't believe that this is the second birthday without you. I sit here and I don't even have words this morning, all I can do is cry. This life is so hard without you by my side and your boys miss you so much. Some days it just doesn't seem possible that your really gone and that all our plans for the furture have changed in a heart beat. I was running last night and I rounded the corner to the house and it all flashed back how many times we had made that walk and how in a heartbeat all our dreams and moments changed. I promise to live life to the fullest, something you taught me. Live love laugh!!! I miss your smile, your voice and that feeling that everything is going to be okay when you were here. It is now all up to me and it's too hard to bare somedays, it hurts, it is scary and I'm tired but for you I will keep pushing forward through every heart ache, every tear because I know that is what you would want me to do. Please give your boys and me the strength every day to live this life the best we can. We love and miss you so much! Headed to Disney soon and it will be so bittersweet, we will see memories everywhere there but we will make new one for you. Hope you are celebrating in an amazing way today. The boys will release a balloon and eat your favorite sugar cookie with icing today!!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012 Roller Coaster Continues...

Well yet again the roller coaster continues with it's ups and downs on this journey of mine, some days I'm laughing, some days I cry, some days my head is spinning and sometimes I just feel like I'm hanging upside down ready to crash to the ground. It gets freaking exausting tell you the truth, I get to feeling really good and even going up hill I feel strong and then it falls out from under you. Sometimes it is a moment, something I do myself and sometimes it is something someone else does to knock you off course. But as I have every time I will take this as something to help me refocus on this new chapter that it seems to be and as in the past it will teach me something and help me on this little road I'm on. Because God must have a plan in my life and that is all I can have faith in through the good and bad. Right now I am looking at how I exactly appoarch this next chapter, I have debated on going back to counseling because it does help but sometimes the talking just gets on my last nerve. The counselor is great, and it does help to get it out but in the end he really doesn't give me the answers, I end up fiinding them by talking it out and answering some of his questions. Sometimes I find that my way is still unclear, life goes so fast that it's hard to keep it all in focus. There is no button in life that is labeled replay, time is a gauge that reminds me to remember to grab all I can in life. For me it is hard to set back and let things come together rather God is in control or not, that is probably my main problem since the accident. I look around at family and friends and we all have our own story that makes us who we are, it shapes us but in the end I really think that we have to decide how much that stuff really defines us, it is different for it to teach us something but we should never let events or things in our life define who we are. So I don't know what I will do to refocus this time, for now I will take some me time and go on vacation with my kiddos to Disney and face it with a new attitude when I return. Until then I will have fun and enjoy my friends, and stop overthinking every detail of my life. Just a little bump in this journey of mine, that's all!!!!
Just remember... Life is short, live every moment like it's your last...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012 Finding ME...

Who Am I?
How did I get here?
Where am I going?
What has my husband's death taught me?

These are just a few of the questions I have struggled with for over a year, they come and go, sometimes I feel like I got the answer and some I still struggle with. Figuring out who I am has been a constant struggle but I really feel that I am getting there.
I have dealt with depression, insomnia, anxiety. I have been hurt and cried myself to sleep many times. You think anything is easy after going through losing a spouse but nope it never gets easy, every thing in life is difficult, being a single mom, being overwhelmed daily on how to get it all done. Every relationship is effected and harder but stronger. I have gone through the anger stage many times. I have screamed at God, I have screamed at Derek.
Through it all I have learned so much.
I push myself daily to do things I sometimes don't know if I can achieve but I do them anyway.
I have learned how much my family and friends really do love me. Far more then I realized and far more then I will ever understand.
I have pushed toxic people out of my life, and at this point in my journey, my boys and my happiness and comfort are what matters most.
I have learned to ask for help, still struggle with this one but I am getting there.
I have learned that even know I felt like the world should stop once Derek wasn't in it that it doesn't. It keeps going on rather I want it to or not. And I am now glad for that.
I have learned to be proud of myself and my accomplishments every day, little or big.

Who Am I? I am me and I am okay on my own two feet. I was a good wife and I am a good mother to our boys. I loved my husband beyond words and he knew that, he was an amazing man who taught me so much and that is why I am where I am today. I will always put my boys first and make them have the best life I can. I will be happy again, live life and love again. That's all I need to know for now and I am proud of that.

How did I get here? Well that's a hard one according on how you look at it. All I know is I had help, alot of help. Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself but I had help. Help from family and friends, help from Derek and help from God. Someone said the other day that I have a lot of outside influence in my life. And I guess they were right, but it is good influence and it is what helps me when I still have bad days and that shouldn't be a bad thing. If that outside influence ever got to be bad then I would cut it out of my life but what I have now is all a positive influence in my life.

Where am I going??? This is a big one and hard for me!!! I am a Type A personality I have been told by a number of people and I like to control a few things in life and I have no patience. So me knowing what my life is going to look like tomorrow or next year is so difficult for me but I am trying to learn patience. Nothing in this life is guaranteed and life is full of chances you just have to be strong enough to take them. So I will continue to struggle with this one. Don't get me wrong I have my own thoughts on what my life will look like but I will keep those to myself.

What has my husband's death taught me??? ALOT!!! Good and Bad! It has taught me that life can change in a second and that you have to let the people around you know that you love them and don't sweat the small stuff. I will love stronger and deeper, I will appreciate everything in life even on the hard days. I have learned to give myself a little break sometimes that I can't do it all and that I sometimes need my time.

Do I love life everyday, I try to, I think I will always have my days and always have this sadness because of what I have been through and I would hope that anyone in my life would understand that and take it very serious and understand that it is a part of me and I don't think anyone would expect it to be any different. You never get over it you just learn to live again!!!

Friday, October 12, 2012 Live Like That...

"Live Like That"

Sometimes I think, What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory, When I'm home where my soul belongs
Was I love, When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those, Was my worship more than just a song
I want to live like that, And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do, Points to You
If love is who I am, Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that
Am I proof, That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart, Do I live like Your love is true
People pass, And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed,When they see me, do they see You
I want to live like that, And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do, Points to You
If love is who I am, Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that
I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King
I want to live like that, And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do, Points to You
If love is who I am, Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that

 

I heard this song this morning and it made me think of a conversation Derek and I had a couple times. My dad always taught me growing up that relationships and friendships are a two way street. He always said that if we go visit someone then they should do the same and if they can't then it must not be important enough in their life because it is a two way street and if they don't come see him when he is alive don't come to his funeral. Derek and I talked about what that would be like, who would come to our funeral and what people would say of us when we were gone. Of course we never knew that we wouldn't be old and gray when this would happen but it was always the same. Derek wanted people to remember him as a loving and Godly man who loved his family and friends. It was pretty simple for him, he wanted to give his boys what his real father never gave him as a child and that was a good Godly father who loved them and was there for them, and thank God Derek did get his Godly father with Ralph to teach him that. That was the most important thing to him was to show them what a good father was, and he did that so well and it breaks my heart that it was taken from them and him way too soon. He could never stand people blaming their past on how they treat people today because he knew first hand that it was a choice to live better and learn from how other people treat you. It wasn't a good enough excuse to say well this happened to me so that is why I did it, he knew first hand.

Anyway looking back I think Derek did exactly what he wanted. At his funeral I was completely numb physically, emotionally and mentally because that was the only way to get through it. But I remember the number of people that came and the wonderful things they said about Derek. I always knew what a wonderful man he was but to see and hear so many people that he touched everyday made me so proud and I think he would be proud. People came and stood in line for two hours just to pay their respects. Some saw him monthly, weekly or daily but they were all so touched by what an amazing man he was. Some were high school friends that hadn't seen Derek in years but still told me how much he meant to them. That was breath taking to me in so many way.

So where does that put us today in this world without him, well it should teach us to try and live a better life, to put God in our life and tell the ones around us that we love them and what they mean to us. I never in a million years thought we would or could live our lives without Derek but now we don't get to change that or have a choice. I get up each day knowing that it can all change in a blink of an eye. Every day and every choice we make is ours!!!  

Thursday, October 4, 2012 Bad Dreams...

Found another bad thing about sleeping alone and not having another adult in the house. What a night of restlessness, must have been something I ate. Remember those dreams you had as a kid that you woke up screaming out, heart racing, you wanted to hide under the covers and didn't want to put your feet down on the floor. Well that was my night, kind of funny, I have had very few of those in my adult life but for some reason I woke up at 4:00 am screamed out enough to wake me, my heart was racing and I was scared to death. I had to pee plus a pounding headache but I felt like a child that was scared to get out from under the covers. The few dreams I have had like that I always woke Derek enough to tell him I had a bad dream, he would put his arms around me and tell me it's okay and I would go back to sleep. But not this morning, this morning I laid there and debated with myself about the dream and that it was just a dream, to get out of bed and take something for my head. So eventually I did but of course I turned on every light in the house on the way. Weird thing is I remember very little of the dream, I remember two parts, one part the boys and I were in a van and had a little fire in the dash, so I got the boys out and stood there staring at my cell phone knowing I had nobody to call and ask to come get us or help. Then the last part I remember hearing someone yelling mom and I was locked in a basement, I busted down the door and started screaming for the boys and I woke up screaming, weird dreams!!!!
I guess in the end it's a lot like my life, I could choose to hide under the covers and be scared to live or face the world everyday and most people would probably understand that but I refuse to do that, I pull myself up everyday and face the fear, in which it makes me stronger and more independent on my own.
Then every little thing tried to knock me down this morning but I handled each one very well, didn't get upset, didn't raise my voice, just took it with a smile and patience (I know hard to believe) and in the end it all worked out good. Today will be a good day!!!!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012 15 Months Yesterday...

It's hard to believe that it was 15 months yesterday since my life completely feel apart, since I saw him, felt him breath, heard his voice, felt his warm touch or kiss. Life just flies by and we can't slow it down and we can't change it. I was reading over my personal journal last night and wow it is very interesting to read back and look over this journey that I am on. I find myself not writing as much anymore and I guess that is good. It was a good thing to do for a while and a stage I needed, I still do it from time to time but not as often. October is going to be a busy month but I am looking forward to some fun with my boys and some excited things coming up. Pictures, Disney and Halloween, it will all fly by for sure! It will all be bittersweet but it feels good to look forward to things and to see the boys look forward to things. Here's to keep going, keep smiling and laughing every day!!!

Monday, October 1, 2012 Busy Schedules...

Well things have been crazy of course which is a good and a bad thing these days. Doesn't give me much time to blog or breathe and I am sorry but I guess that is a good and bad thing also. Good that I am doing all this and don't need to blog as much but I know everyone keeps up with us on this blog and on facebook so I will try to continue to update just may be a little less or a week at a time. It has been a busy but good couple weeks so I can't complain. I think the boys and I are finding our way and really enjoying life and our new norm as they call it, still don't know how much I like that saying. Because as much new as we have and love in our life with making new memories and all there is always the old. There isn't a day that goes by no matter what we are doing that we don't talk about Derek, or think about Derek, we just have found the will and way to continue to live our lives the way he would want us to. I love seeing my boys smile and laugh. I love now that when I ask them how they are at bedtime that they say "Mom I'm really good", they are amazing little boys and I love them with all my heart. That isn't the answer every night but it is becoming more common these days. They teach me everyday how to live, smile and be happy again.
So here is a little recap of our last weeks activities since I haven't done good with posting much. Garret's baseball games keep getting rained out so no pictures of that yet. We ended our Sunday after soccer with buying Ethan a new bike, taking a long bike ride with friends and enjoying the park and some basketball in the driveway!!!

Friday, Sept 21 & Saturday Sept 22, 2012 Peyton Spent night
Picked up Peyton from school so she could spent a couple days with us, we had a good time just talking, hanging out and went to the farm and tried to fish and the kids played in the creek for a couple hours. They all three are growing so fast that I can't believe it sometimes. Fun Day!

Sunday, September 23, 2012 Traditional Huber's Pumpkin Trip....
We went and picked our traditional pumpkins at Huber's on this Sunday with Ralph, Lorrain, Rhonda, Eric and Peyton. It was also Eric's birthday. We had a great time and great weather for the day, just chilly enough to feel like fall but not too bad. The boys of course picked the biggest pumpkin they could and Ethan broke Derek's rule of "if you can't carry it you can't have it" but I let him break it anyway, he was able to roll it so I had to give in.

Monday, September 24, 2012 Ethan's Soccer...
Ethan had a make up soccer game this night and they all played so strong and won it. Ethan had 2 goals and was pumped up!!!! Amazing boys on the team!!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012 Mark is Leaving...
Thursday we had a little get together for Mark because they are moving to Bowling Green, I am going to miss them so much. Mel, Mark and Ellie have been a huge part of our lives for years and they really stepped up when I needed them in the past year. I am so glad Derek and I enjoyed dinner with them the Tuesday before the accident. I remember leaving dinner and Derek saying we have to do that again soon.

Saturday, September 29, 2012 Soccer Tournament...
Due to being a busy weekend with Ethan's soccer tournament I haven't downloaded any pictures of the tournament yet, but will soon. The only one I have is of the three soccer players in the hot tub in between games and Reece enjoying it with them. They played three hard games but only won one out of three. So proud of the way they played this weekend and that is what matters, they had hard teams and they didn't back down till the last minute. Ethan, Evan, Brant and Reece rocking the hot tub!!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012 In God's Hands...

My heart is heavy today, and it isn't about my life or Derek, of course it brings it back to there but all in all I am angry with God this morning and questioning him so much. I will be attending a 7 days old babies funeral this morning and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND it one bit. It breaks my heart to see friends go through this and it is a helpless feeling to know there is nothing on this world I can do to help. So we choose to just support them and be there as they find their own healing and begin a journey that they could have never imagined being on after the birth of their little baby boy.
I of course have struggling in my faith for over a year and a lot of that is from the questions and I am working to find my way back and I know that no matter what, I do believe in God, I will never understand why things happen in this world and will never understand how bad it has to get before God puts an end to it but I will continue to try and trust him and try to not question so much.
This is what I know in all this, Derek and I did choose to get on that motorcycle, that was our decision, good bad and ugly it was a choice we made and I have to live with that. Derek died doing something he loved, he enjoyed being on that bike and feeling the freedom as he called it. Yes it was a simple mistake of someone else that took his life and changed our lives forever but in the beginning it was his choice to step on that bike. Doesn't make it any easier to accept or understand why he had to lose his life but it is what it is and not for us to understand. I know that if he knew it would have taken him from us he wouldn't have ever done it, but as Derek was he didn't think anything bad would happen.
But a sweet couple and a sweet baby boy that have no choice I will never understand, God maybe you can explain one day for now I will put my trust in you and hope that you can help this couple find some peace like you have for the boys and I. This was one of Derek's questions for you, so I hope he got all his questions answered, who knows I still joke that he is probably still asking his list of things that he said he would ask when he stood face to face with you.

Friday, September 21, 2012 Stay Positive...

Life is Good... That has been a hard one for me for a long time but today I choose to make it a good day and look at all the good things in my life. Call it me being positive or me being an optimism, whatever you want but I choose to make it good. In my life it is so easy to focus on all the bad and let it bring me to my knees all the time but I decided something last night, it is my choice to make of it what I want. Today I want to be happy and smile so that is what I am doing, it makes me feel good and it makes my boys happy. Especially when I am smiling in the morning and fixing them a good hot breakfast.
I think we all could easily look at all the bad that life tosses in our path and it has done that to us this past year but what we do with that is our choice. I am not promising I will be like this every day, if you follow my blog I have these ups and downs but I also am finding a place where I am happy with myself and that is something I have battled with for a while. In all this I had to find myself again and be okay with me and being on my own and I am getting there. I mean I have amazing friends and family in my life that help me along the way but in the end it is me on my own feet, it is all that I have struggled for the past year to have my life and give my boys a life. It is never going to be the life Derek and I planned but it can still be a different but good life. Those two boys of ours deserve that and much more. So try to focus on the good in life and don't let all the bad that goes on out there bring you to your knees, God knows there is plenty and most of it we have NO control over. Control, yeah there is a struggle in itself, I wish I could control my life but I have figured out that I only have so much, the rest well it is what it is...
So find some happiness in your life, if I can do it after everything that has happen to us then you have to be able to find some in your own life. It doesn't make the bad go away but it helps you learn to heal, be happy and be stronger, and that's all you have in this life. That's what our loved one that are gone would want for us and God knows I know way to many people that know about lose these days. Because no matter what we do it doesn't change the bad and that is what I had to finally figure out, there is no changing the outcome no matter how much I cry or how sad I am, no going back to change it. So hug your family and friends, tell someone you love them or what they mean to your life. Live Life, it is all up to you and your choice!!! What other choice do you have.
I lost an amazing husband way too soon and I will miss him every day of my life and love him till I die and see him again. But I have two amazing boys that need a happy strong mom. Two boys that are so much like their daddy that it brings a smile to my face as I type this. I choice to be happy, and I have two amazing boys that make that a little easier plus we have an amazing man in heaven looking over us. So here's to a good day...

Sunday, September 16, 2012 Ethan's Baptism...

Morning... Well today is Ethan's baptism and Derek you should be here doing it but instead I will be and there is so many mix emotions. I am so proud of him and I know that you are a huge part of why he is doing this. It was your strong faith and love that showed him so much about God. I have to get through this without tears or falling apart and that will be hard but family and friends will be there to suppose me.
After... Wow what a day full of so many emotions but in the end we made it and it was an amazing day. I was determined to make it about Ethan alone and not let him focus on Derek not being there. I think he did an amazing job. Morning started off well and I enjoyed some one on one time to talk and hang out. We eat at Bob Evans like he requested with Lorrain, Ralph, Rhonda and Peyton then headed to church. I will say it was very hard walking up to Southeast and walking into the foyer to see that Chapel door. It was only the second time being in that place since Derek's funeral and it was hard to breathe. I just tried to keep my eyes off that door but the pain was so much but I refused to let it mess up Ethan's day so we hurried onto where we were going. Once we were back in the back we sat and talked for a while. Ethan amazes me with his great personality and how funny he can be. He was asking me questions and we had a good talk. He explained again why he wanted to be baptized at Southeast and how he felt about the entire thing. He was really excited. He looked up at me right before and said "I'm finally getting baptized mom" I'm so proud of him and how he took his time to wait until he felt he was ready to do it and made it about his relationship with God. It amazes me everyday the faith they have in God after everything they have been through, I guess in a way it doesn't because they have their daddies faith. I only wish it was that easy for us adults, but of course we over think everything and make things worse doing that.
Derek's Guy that he loved to hear sing did a solo before the baptism which was just prefect. Then sitting during the service looking around that place it is a bittersweet thing there. So many memories of Easter Pageants, I could see each place we sat at every one and I could see the three different spots that we would sit at during the years we attended there side by side. He always held my hand even if we were frustrated about something, that was the place where it didn't matter in the end. There are some good but painful memories there and I am happy to have those even know they still hurt. But I know that with our new journey and path that we can continue making good and happy memories and he will watch over us and guide us.
Then we went out to the farm for lunch and some fishing. Within about an hour of fishing Ethan caught the biggest fish yet for the boys. It was 42 lbs. and he was so excited. He looked up and said "it's my baptism present" It took him a good 10 minutes to reel and let the fish get tired and then Lonny another 15 minutes to keep it close. It was amazing seeing his smile on his face.
The light is starting to come back in their eyes, it will NEVER be the same light Derek put in them but it is a light that I have faith that Derek has something to do with now. When I do pray these days I beg Derek and God to help our boys, make this better for them and let them have peace. It breaks me every day to think that they have to grow up without Derek physically by their side but they will always know he is there.

Saturday, September 15, 2012 Long Friday...

Don't know if it was the weather or what yesterday but I cried three times before 9:30 am and then had to fight it the rest of the day. Just felt very down and didn't really know why. But thanks to a couple friends touching base, then good friends taking the boys and I to dinner and good company after that it ended better. After work I just wanted to come home crawl up on the couch in my PJ's with a glass of wine, blanket and arms around me. But I don't get to do that anymore so I had my glass of wine and sat on the couch while the boys played in basement and I watched TV for a while by myself, Have to say that is a first for me. Normally I just stay busy around here and I haven't watch more then the boys shows in a year. I was okay to do it, I mean I was a little down but it ended up being okay and not completely giving in to reaching out for company too much to get me through it. Saturday is filled with fixed my toilet, touch up paint for some work I did in bathroom, work on closing pool, doing laundry way over due and soccer, concession stand, wedding and then Sunday is Ethan's Baptism. Busy weekend but good. I like to be able to fix things around the house, I mean I do need some help on some things and I have good friends that do those things for me but the boys and I have gotten pretty good at doing things around here and it feels good.
Here's to a good weekend!!!

Friday, September 14, 2012 When is it easier...

Keep wondering when every little thing will be easier, I am so tired of hurting and feeling so many ups and downs. I have had a good week, I started the week with a new look at my healing process that I knew I needed and it has been good. I am getting stronger on my own two feet and it has felt good this week. But it's all the decisions I had to make to do that and push people away that I lean on so much. It's hard you love your family and friends but at some point to have to realize and be okay with yourself and know that in the end you will be okay being alone. Don't like it and don't want to be on my own the rest of my life and I love my family and friends, wouldn't be here without them and I know they will always be there but there is a part of me that has to know that I can handle anything myself, mentally, physically and emotionally. Probably sounds dumb to most people but if you've been here you understand. I mean I had my life, we had our life planned, I knew that I never had to worry about anyone else being there because Derek would always be and maybe that is selfish but as much as we loved our family and friends, it was us. We NEVER imagined this could happen to us and I will NEVER understand why and what God's plan is when we hurt so bad. Derek had so much to give and he was taken way to soon from us. I know that I will never hurt like this ever again but it makes me so scared to feel or trust things in this world. Just a little bumpy, teary start to my Friday morning but I will be okay! Just a bump in the road!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012 New Healing...

Well today was pretty good and for no real reason besides I am standing on my own and making this work. September 6, 2011 I posted my first blog, since then I have posted 142 times and have had  8,742 page views. Besides being a great healing tool for me, it has been a great conduit for reaching out and developing some very wonderful friendships. I am humbled by the overwhelming response and all the emails and letters that I have received about our lived experiences. I would never wish this journey on anyone and never imagined I would be on it more or less live through it. Truth be told, the first year was so filled with mostly grief and the uncertainty of tomorrow. As I move forward through year two, I am coming to realize that I can stand on my own two feet, don't much like it, but can -therefore as I move through this second year I continue to learn, grow, heal and grieve. There isn't a end to the grief or the loss, you just learn to live again. Nothing or nobody can fill that piece that is missing inside of you but you learn to live with it there and know that is where you hold your deepest things and there will be days that it will hit you in the gut and take you to your knees. But there will also be good days where you will laugh, smile and enjoy living again.
I was just talking to a friend on Sunday and we were talking about some things that I have experience the past year and where I am now. I know that I am different then I was 5 months ago and I see that I am getting stronger as each day passes. My boys are laughing again and smiling a good smile, will any of it be the same, No but that doesn't mean it can't be good. The pain is always there but you learn to live with it instead of letting it define or control you.
I have tried it all and thought it all but in the end I choose to live. I have asked the questions why??? so many times it makes my head spin. Why did Derek have to Die? Why didn't Derek live instead of me? Why didn't I say no that day? Why didn't I just give up that day? It all comes down to I will never get those answers and I know that I can't keep asking them. I remember every moment of that day and I relive it in dreams, flashbacks and just random times. I remember he would reach down and rub my ankle and leg under my jeans just to say it's okay I got this. I remember his hand on the handlebar as it hit the trailer. I remember our body language when we both knew this was bad. I remember flying off and hitting the ground every time. And I remember getting up as soon as
I hit, taking three steps and falling only to have the imagine of him laying there in his white t-shirt that I loved so much, jeans and his boots face down and knowing that I couldn't get to him and they wouldn't let me. I drove that road Sunday night to Bardstown in complete silence and wondered how did our lives change in one day. How does that happen, we were happy and great one moment and in a heart beat it was gone. I passed the corner we stood on in Bardstown when he put my helmet on, kissed me and said I Love You for the last time. But during that drive to Bardstown Sunday which I have driven before I felt a little more peace knowing that I am doing what I need to do to keep my boys and me moving forward and that is what Derek would want and be proud of us for.
If you knew him, then you knew what a wonderful man he was and loved with all his heart and would do anything for anyone. He never met a stranger and always had a smile on his face. I know he is up there in heaven celebrating (if he is finally done asking all the questions he had for God) with so many wonderful men and women that I know through stories now that had their life taken way too early also. So until I see you again babe, I will miss you and love you more then life and I will continue to move forward, get stronger and learn to stand on my own.

 

Monday, September 10, 2012 I start...

Another time to take a breathe and start again. I've been having some ups and downs more then usual lately so it's time to regroup and get back on track with my healing. I do get knocked off track at the weirdest times it seems but I alway find my way back. I have to!!!
I am working to be good with me and being on my own. It is harder then you could ever imagine. You find yourself clinging to friends, family and loved one because you've already lost so much and you are so scared to be alone. I never thought I could live a day without Derek in my life and I still am amazed that I continue to do it every day. But it is a choice that I make because I can and because that is what I need, that is what my kids need and that is what Derek would expect of me.
Today was a hard day, busy at work, had some things to deal with and I did. I now am ready for a good nights sleep, clear my head and get up tomorrow strong and ready for a new day!!! I just have to turn off my Type A personaliry and wanting to know everything before it happens. Good Night!!!

Monday, September 10, 2012 Article that gets it...

for those of you that haven't gotten to read the article link I posted, this says it all and you can apply it in your own life if I can...


It's all over.

The doctors and the hospitals and the insurance companies and the tumult and the constant parades of people (well-meaning and otherwise).

The exercise in survival into which a heinously evil illness turned a once-happily bustling home.
Over.
I can't quite believe it actually happened.
He's really gone.
And the excruciating pain of anticipating the inevitability of his death?

Also gone.

The "inevitable" has arrived.
And now?
Silence.
Darkness.
Quiet.
But not a peaceful quiet.
Instead, the quiet that emptiness brings.
Calm is supposed to be peaceful, right?
This isn't calm.
This is a playground for overwhelming anxiety to freely dance.
Over and over, the same question whirled in my mind like milkshake in a blender set at high speed:

"IS THIS REALLY IT?"

And at that moment in time... it was.
So this is what it feels like.

This is widowhood.

I remember being convinced that this was indeed "it." This is now my life.

Darkness. Uneasy silence. Anxiety. A bone-chillingly cold loneliness.

This is it.
No bright future. No more laughter. No shining light in the darkness.
No love.
This is widowhood.
This is what everyone calls the "New Normal."
There is nothing "normal" about this.

All of these feelings felt as permanent as if they had been tattooed onto my heart with a jackhammer. I could not see any future from where I was sitting; on a couch in a darkened room, surrounded by the complete wreckage that was once a wonderful life.

And then I made a decision.

A conscious choice.

A declaration.

This wretched illness has already cruelly claimed my husband's life. It destroyed our family. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our plans.
Our future.
It does not get to take my life, too.
It also does not get to destroy the life of a little girl on the cusp of adolescence who has already experienced too much loss in her young life.
My spirit is definitely damaged.
By illness, by death, by people who presumably meant well... and as it turns out, didn't mean so well.

Yes, I am damaged...
...but I will not be broken.
Healing did not happen overnight. Change was not instantaneous. As with everything else, it began with a choice.
One tiny step.
One day at a time.

I decided then and there (and I invite you to decide as well):

• I am still here. Although I have experienced a devastating, life-altering event, it is because I am still here that makes me entitled to a life of abundance. I do not have to wait any specific amount of time to begin my Healing Journey and I will not feel guilty over my pursuit of healing, nor will I question my right to live a life filled with happiness.
• My Healing Journey is mine. It belongs to no one else. I cannot be compared to any other people; nor my loss to any other loss experience. I cannot "hurry up" my grief; even though there may be people around me who wish I would. I accept that healing is neither fast nor easy and therefore, I will truthfully honor whatever it is that I am feeling; rather than let others' opinions dictate how I "should" be feeling.
• On the difficult days when I feel that the faith I have in myself is wavering, I will turn to those who will breathe belief into me; rather than turn to those who might bring me down.
• My identity and my self-esteem have nothing to do with my marital status, what I look like, my career path or any material accumulation. My identity and self-esteem come from within. I recognize that what others think of me is not half as important as what I think of me. Not everyone will agree with what I do; however, as long as I am not hurting myself or anyone else, I will pursue the healing that I seek in the way(s) that I see fit
• I will limit time with Energy Drainers and welcome those that contribute to my life in positive ways. I will accept social invitations and offers of help; understanding that letting others help me is also part of their healing process.
• I will also be the one who initiates invitations for lunch, dinner or other quietly social activities with those who contribute to my life in a positive way, rather than always wait for others to ask.
• I accept that I cannot control the fact that I have suffered a devastating loss -- but I can control what I am going to do with the new life that I have been handed. I will make a list of what I would like to do and / or accomplish. It may be a new hobby, a pursuit that I had to give up and wish to resume, trying new foods, meeting new people or exploring new places. Whatever I decide to do or try, I will do so with the understanding that by exploring these new opportunities and experiences, I am not casting aspersion on my past. I am actually taking control of a situation over which I've had little or no control by embracing a future of my choosing.
• I will be proactive on my Healing Journey. I will acquire whatever tools will help me; as well as surround myself with the support of others who understand exactly what I have been through.

And through the darkness, the light began to shine again. The uneasy quiet eventually filled with laughter and hope.

The calm came.
And while certainly different from what I had planned... the future wasn't so terrible after all.

This is widowhood.

But it doesn't have to hurt forever.
It doesn't have to be dark forever.
It doesn't have to be a life without laughter, without new possibilities...
...or love.
Your "this"... doesn't have to be "it."
Make your choice.
Make your decision.
Scream your intent and declaration of healing to the world.
And journey forward.
For more information about Carole Brody Fleet and Widows Wear Stilettos, please visit

Sunday, September 9, 2012 Here again...

Wow what a day it has been!!! Sometimes I just don't know anymore. You go along doing okay, feeling happy and laughing but then it just hits you. I am so tired of explaining how I feel, what I feel and why I feel it. If your not in my shoes you will never get it. And why do you even try, you either just accept I am me and the journey I am on or seriously just stop trying. I have never asked anyone to really understand, just be patient and love me for me, try to help where you can and give me strength when I fall. Because I will fall, that is one thing I can promise. So when I do, be there to pick me up especially when you might have helped knock me down even if it wasn't on propose, don't walk away. I will never understand how someone can walk away when a person is hurting so bad already. Yeah I know I'm all over the place with this post but just trying to get it out of my head so I can sleep. I just have so many friends dealing with so much right now and me included that I just don't get it.
I don't think anyone can understand how deep things hurt for me now. The littlest things go so deep. I have little to give most days and what I do give well it's a lot.
Where do any of us go from here. I want to be happy, I want to smile and laugh, I did a lot of that this weekend and tonight. But there is always a pain that will be there, and I have accepted that and know it is part of it. There will always be a void that can't be filled but I will still love again and be happy again. Our happiness is in our control, nobody else's. Yes we all have bad shit happen to us, I will be the first one to tell you that. But what we do with that bad shit and how we let it define us well that is our choice. Some people make good decisions and are happy other struggle their whole life and before you know it you lose too much and let the important things pass you by and I refuse to let that happen. Does that mean I know what my life looks like a year from now or even tomorrow, no it doesn't. But like the widow article I posted the other day, it's a choice and I choose to live.
I can promise one thing in my life and that is that I will be okay and my boys will be okay. That is the two important things in my life, those are the only two things that are my responsibility at this point. I pray that all my friends, family and I find more peace in the things that we have in our life. Life is short and you have to smile and take it head on. No hiding, no running and no avoiding it, yes it is scary trust me with that but it is the life we are given to live. Good, bad and ugly!!! Live the life you want to and do it right because guess what, you only get one chance!!!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

I'm laying here and I can't clear my head. My brain, mind and heart have been so heavy these days. I struggle so much with the not knowing how life will be without him. I mean I know we will be okay but it's just I don't know. Like I've said before I can't explain the stuff in my head sometimes. I had a good cry and talk with Derek yesterday morning while driving back from my work trip. Those are always so much raw pain but always make me feel stronger afterward. I always just wonder afterwards does he hear me and how does this heaven thing really work. But after picking up my boys and spending the day and evening with them yesterday I know God and Derek heard me because my boys were smiling yesterday and it was their good true smile, not the one that it use to be, that one is gone with Derek but it was a new one and a good one. They laughed hard, smiled and talked so much that I know Derek had to hear me the many times I've told him "if you can do anything, help our boys" because that part breaks my heart. I have told Derek and God from the beginning to please help them and give them peace and happiness, I've cried it, I've yelled it and I've prayed it.
I'm laying beside Ethan right now because he wanted to sleep with me and I hear him breathing, I so miss hearing Derek breathing beside me, heck I even miss when he would snore once in a while. But all I can think about right now is Ethan being baptized next weekend. I am so honored that he wants me to do it. I just always assumed he would want one of his uncles to do it but last year he was like mom I want you to and it was so bittersweet. I know Derek should be here to do it, it is his place to do it but I will do my best. I have no idea what to say that's where I struggle, I want to make his daddy proud but it has to be about Ethan. So I hope God and Derek help me find the words. Wow it's next weekend, time is flying by so fast these days. I guess I better figure out what I will say and what to do. He said he just wants to go fishing afterwards, that boy is so all about fishing he is funny. We built a fire last night and talked till late. Have to say it was the first fire I built all by myself in our fire pit and it turned out good. It was so good to sit and just see them laughing and talking.

Thursday, September 6, 2012 Healing Journey...

Article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/widow_b_1842119.html

Please stop and read the above article first before you do anything else. It was on a website that I read a lot and it so majorly explains so much and makes so much sense in my world these days.
Nobody can ever understand until you have been there. For now I am getting some sleep after a 15 hour work day in Morgantown and missing my boys. But I will enjoy the quiet of my hotel room and read a little before I hopefully get a good nights sleep. Good night!!!

Monday, September 3, 2012 Getting it out...

Why does life have to be such a struggle???? Had a good day Sunday after I took a run and cried it out in the morning. Enjoyed the game and all my friends. Really good day!!! But yet here I am on Monday morning and I can't get everything settled in my head and heart. This journey is one in its own and I am so tired of trying to fight all this crap in my head and life everyday. I will continue to do it but every time I feel I got the hang of it then it punches me in the gut. Two morning in a roll in tears, what the hell!!!!
It's so hard to express what I feel and think deep inside because nobody understands. If I tell people what I think and feel they don't get it or think I'm not healing or doing okay. I am healing and doing okay but that doesn't mean it's easy every moment. It's a struggle on not feeling lost and empty all the time. I have so many great people in my life but me on my own feet and this lost empty feeling that I fight really sucks. Just really sick of this feeling that I can't explain in words to anyone expect my friends in the same boat and even at that I have a hard time opening up.
A friend told me last night that I seem to talk pretty good but I explained the deep stuff doesn't come out good. I can give you the how I do it day to day any time but to scratch under the surface well not many people get to go there not even on this blog. Really just a struggle I am having lately with I guess this stage. I need to regroup I guess. Must be something in the air because my friend in Richmond is struggling with things right now too, guess it is nice to have someone who gets it but wish we didn't have this in common.
Life is a struggle away and just need to slow down and enjoy every day but hard some times. UGH!!!!