Tuesday, July 24, 2012 Best Friends...

Punta Cana, DR
We have had two amazing days on our vacation and the boys are loving it. Ethan told me yesterday it is the best vacation ever with a smile that was so amazing. He loves the beach, pool and of course the frozen drinks he can get anytime. They asked if we could move here, It's a nice thought but would we love it so much if we woke up to it every morning. Probably not, probably wouldn't appreciate it as much, and we would miss everyone at home. I will say I understand how they feel. It is a good escape from the pain and reminders of what is gone at home and in our life. I mean we miss Derek as much here and we think of him a lot, we feel the missing piece every second especially with so many families around but it takes your mind off of it some to be away and so busy playing at the beach. Probably more for the boys then me. I watch them play in the sand or run around and it feels so good to see them smile but I always feel that pain of Derek not here. Time does help but you never stop feeling that empty piece that is gone. I know that will always be there, one year out or 5 to 10 years out.
It's been fun and I've relaxed a lot but had a restless night last night. We had a good dinner, did a fun dance competition with the entertainment team, watched a show and laughed a lot. But in the end laying down in our room I couldn't get my mind off of missing my best friend.
What is a best friend and who is your best friend? Well Derek and I have a lot of them, I don't think most people are as lucky as we both were in that subject. We had this talk many times about our friends. We would talk about it just laying there at night after a wonderful cook out at the house, night out or just a little dinner or lunch with some friends. He always said we were so lucky to have such amazing friends and he was always so lucky that I would continue to make sure we all got together and saw each other. He would always complain about all the work we would put into our parties but every single time we would lay down at night after each one he would thank me for it all and tell me how lucky we were to have such amazing people in our lives. We would talk about how each friendship was it's own. You have different connections with each person and each friendship had it's special place in our heart from the times and memories we shared. We both cherished each and every friend we had and still have so many. Some were friends from school, work, just people we met along the way and of course family. But at the end of the day he would always remind me that I was the best friend he could ever ask for and through all of this that is the part that hurts so bad. Those words meant as much to me as him saying I Love You because I knew what they meant to him. Derek and I could share anything with each other, our best talks were the ones we had laying down at the end of the night just looking at each other and being able to share anything. Knowing that no matter what you say, what you do or how much you screw up that we were there for each other FOREVER with no doubt. For it was never a question, we knew it from day one. We did get our FOREVER but never realized it would be cut so short. Now all the things we shared and talked about are in my heart and head but forever missed and most of all I miss that bond and that person that I shared so many feelings, thoughts, and memories with. From the many things we did before kids, to the birth of our children, to all Garret's surgeries, talks in the hospital and everyday things. Those memories that we only shared are memories now and I hate that, but I hold them close to my heart. Some days it makes me smile just thinking about them, and some days it makes me sad to not have that anymore. I have friends that I love and hold close but my best friend well I still have those talks with but they are more on my own to him at night alone.
In the end I thank GOD for that friendship he gave me with Derek and even know I miss it so much, I know I was so blessed to have it. Like each and every one of Derek friends & family who have those special memories that only you shared with Derek. Make that help you Cherish everyone and appreciate each and every friendship and relationship you have.
We are enjoying our vacation and have a lot planned tomorrow (well today) boys get to ride on their first boat to snorkel in the ocean. Ethan wants to see a loin fish and a shark (the two things Derek told him he saw the last time we snorkeled in Jamaica) so I hope he sees some beautiful things but I would prefer no sharks.
I have been struggling on writing and continuing this blog for many reasons. It has been a good healing tool for me but I struggle with so many people reading my thoughts or think because I still hurt that I'm not healing. It is what it is, it is a journey like no other and I just do what feels okay and gets me from step to step. I pray every day even know I still struggle in that subject especially since I hear and see so much pain these days. I have met three more widows just in the past month, it is a sad fact that I struggle with but in the end we are here and we live, love and laugh for our loved ones that are not with us anymore.

Monday, July 16, 2012 Faith When I Fall...

Faith When I Fall, Kip Moore...

I know it's been a long time
Since the last time we talked.
I know I've been a stranger
And that's all my fault.
And asking you for anything
Don't really seem right.
But the winds of change are blowing
So I'm begging you tonight.
Give me love, when I aint got nobody.
A little hope, when I aint got none at all.
Give me light, up ahead on the journey.
Give me strength when I'm standing, and faith when I fall.
I know the rain is coming
And it's sure gonna pour.
I know there aint no runnin
From this kind of storm
It's gonna get harder and harder
To keep on pushing through.
I'm gonna want to quit
So I'll be countin on you.
Give me love, when I ain't got nobody.
A little hope, when I aint got none at all.
Give me light, up ahead on the journey.
Give me strength when I'm standing, and faith when I fall.
And when the clouds start parting
And the sun starts shining through.
This time I wont forget,
I wont forget about you.
Give me love, when I aint got nobody.
A little hope, when I aint got none at all.
Give me light, up ahead on the journey.
Give me strength when I'm standing, and faith when I fall.
Give me strength when I'm standing and faith when I fall.

Friday, July 13, 2012 That awful word...

Widow, That awful word...
This is not a word you will hear me say and you will see the tension in me when someone else says it, I don't know why but I hate that word and don't know if I will ever be okay with hearing it or uttering it out of my mouth. Even typing it made me want to vomit and it's just a word.
Last night we had dinner with some new friends, yet again another widow in my situation with a son. Wow how this little group has sadly gotten bigger and everytime we add someone it hurts me. I never want people, especially our age to have to feel what I feel or hurt the way I know I will the rest of my life when you lose your soul mate. But yet there are more and more of us out there. I am one year out and we now have ten people that talk and get together that have lost a husband or wife, and that is just the ones that are in my immediate little friend circle, doesn't count the friends of theirs that I have yet to meet. Every story will take your breath away every time and every one of us knows how the other feels and we get it, even the deepest thoughts that we would not ever say to anyone. Nobody should ever have to feel this way and nobody will ever understand it unless they have lived it. But we all do it, we all have our own little things that keep us going, mostly our children who have lost too much. We have all had a heart ache that we wish on nobody else and we all pray for answers one day of why we had to lose our soul mate and continue on without them in this world that has so many questions. But also we all are doing it, we get up every morning, put on our shoes, tie them up tight and continue on this difficult journey day by day. We smile and laugh with our children, we work to make sure they have the best life possible without their other parent here. We are all they have, yes we have other family and friends but we are the only parent they have, and we cherish it and make sure we do the best we can.
Somedays its hard to just breathe, and somedays we fail and don't do a good job at it. There are many days where I regret rushing or yelling before I took a breath but I do the best I can because it is all up to me. Garret, Ethan and me is all we have, our new family and we stand stronger together. I told them yesterday after a little fight between them, they each have some of their daddy in them so remember that when you get a little mad, love each other because you are the only brothers you will ever have. I see Derek in them so much but I make sure not to make them my only connection to Derek, that isn't fair to them and that is too much pressure to expect from two little boys. They are Garret and Ethan, Derek lives through them some yes but Derek lives through all of us and in our memories also. It's Garret and Ethan's job to be themselves and turn into the amazing men that Derek and I imagined, but they will be amazing because they do have that part of Derek in them. He shines from them daily in just the little things, the way Garret shoots a basketball, the way Ethan smiles when he tries to laugh, or when he is up to no good. The way Garret will look at me up through his eyelashs like Derek did. They are amazing boys because of what Derek and I have taught them and I continue to teach them and all the wonderful family and friends we have in our lives to help us.

We look at this world through new eyes!!!

Sunday, July 1, 2012 Happy Birthday Ethan...
Nine years ago today we welcomed Ethan Presley into this world and he has been an amazing gift to us all. Now nine years later he still makes me smile and shows me daily, life is worth living. Ethan has always amazed his dad and me with his hard head and amazing personality. Now as we struggle to build our new life together, it's not what we planned or how we ever imagined but we will be strong as daddy helps us daily in our journey of this life. Ethan looks so much like Derek and has a mixture of my personality and Derek's that it is amazing.
He had a wonderful time at his party yesterday, and I thank all the family and friends that came to support us and that actually in the end helped make it a special day!!!
It was the first big party at the house and it was a struggle for so many to be there without Derek but in the end family and friends showed yet again how strong they are and how much they love Derek, our boys and me with their amazing support, understanding and love. You all amaze me so much and your wonderful comments and support are what helps us continue to keep going!!!

Sunday, July 8, 2012 Me...

Where I came from...
I didn't think I would ever share some of the pictures I am getting ready to but I have decided after a year that I need to take notice on where I was, how hard it was, and where I came from to be at my 40th birthday. A lot of people in their cards, text and emails have said that they didn't know this time last year if I would even be here. For a year I have struggled with if I should be here but after a year I know that I have no other choice then to be here to take care of my boys and myself. We would all change that day if we could but there is no going back and being able to do that. That day and every detail is burned in my head for life, I remember everything leading up to the accident, I remember flying upside down off the motorcycle, I remember the front of the car and I remember every time I hit the ground over and over for 90 feet, till the last hit when I automatically jumped up and took two and half steps towards Derek and collapsed. I remember fighting for my life in the ambulance with Travis arguing the entire way when he lost my blood pressure and being awake till they took me into the OR when I was down 8 pints of blood, broken every bone in my pelvis and damaged my bladder. Only thing I could think of was my two boys faces and how I couldn't let them lose both their parents even know all I wanted to do was give up and leave this world with Derek. Last night I got to spend the evening with some wonderful friends, old and new, it was with a lot of different emotions but in the end it was good to be with all the people that loved us all, each and every one has a lot to do with where I am today. With their love and support I have been able to get where I am. Don't get me wrong we all missed Derek a lot last night, he should be here but we have to continue to live. So here is a little of my journey that I have decided to share, some of you already know a lot of this because you were there but for me it is remembering the struggle and realizing where I am today. These pictures I thought I'd never share and were taken to remind me where I am and some were taken because we didn't really know if I was going to make it.

This first picture is 07/08/2011, one year ago today. I remember this time even know they kept me very drugged up due to the amount of pain I was in. I remember every one's shock when they would look at me and the doctor's being scared that I was still in a very dangerous situation with all the blood transfusion and my Jaundice. I remember when my sister took my hand that day and I looked at my color compared to hers and it really hit how sick I was. This was the day of my third surgery in seven days when I came out without the sheet tied around me to hold me together and replaced with a metal bar to hold me together.

07/10/11, My friends took amazing care of me and did things that they probably never thought they would for me. I wouldn't be here without them. This was the day after my birthday and after I had my third surgery and got my bar put on. I was so scared and sick, the nursing staff at UofL was the best and they were amazed with the amount of people that came to visit or take care of me. They had to stop visitors more then once just so I could rest. I remember for days I couldn't even look at the bar that was screwed into my pelvis. They kept it covered so I couldn't see it for days.

07/14/11, My first time sitting up on the side of the bed, wow that was big. This is also about the time I finally got the nerve to ask my mom if I would ever walk again, I knew I could move my legs but I also knew that it didn't actually mean I would walk again, I was too scared to ask and didn't know if I wanted the answer. At this point nobody really knew if my body could hold me or not with all the breaks in my pelvis.

07/16/11, The pull ups they made me do to strengthen my upper body hurt so bad but I just kept doing it, I had nothing else to help me feel stronger but this. This day I had about 10 people in the room sitting around and I was starting to get some strength back and getting off some of the meds they had me so drugged up on. I was also getting use to my bar to where I could touch it, just as long as nobody else did.

07/22/11, Frazier wow this was a scary time. I remember two days before they transferred me and told me where I was going, I was at first very happy to start the process but within those two days I started some physical therapy at UofL and got so scared and down because of how hard it was to transfer just from the bed to a chair using only my arms, no weight on my feet or legs at all. I remember the second day I just cried so hard once I transferred and the wonderful physical therapist helped me back in bed. I had no idea how weak I had become and what a battle it was going to be to walk again.



August 2011 Was spent complete in and out of Baptist East Hospital sick as a dog, it was a long month and filled with so much physically, mentally and emotionally. It consisted of two ambulance rides to the hospital and three different inpatient stays at Baptist.

09/07/11, My first night out...I remember this night like it was yesterday because it was the first time that I felt normal and smiled a real smile in two months. I was beyond depressed and an amazing friend came and dragged me out to dinner, I got to set in a restaurant in a booth and feel a little normal for a first time. I was able to see a number of friends that night and that made me feel so good to be outside of the walls of the house. There was still so many painful memories at the house so I was struggling and it helped to get out some. It was also after four nights of no sleep due to a medicine they had pulled me off of.

09/20/11, Bar is gone... If you can't tell in this picture, it was the most physically painful experience of the entire last year. They took the fixator off my pelvis, no drugs, no nothing. I had to lay on the table with Sue and my mom on the other side of the room, no hand to hold and they unscrewed each 5 inch screw out of my bone. I remember the first one
I just breathed through, the second was attached to a nerve so the tears started to fall, the third one was attached to a nerve and I screamed out once, the fourth was also attached to a nerve and I screamed the entire time and just looked at my mom being held back by Sue while my eyes begged them to help me. It was by far the most physically painful thing I remember.

09/20/11, Best thing about getting the bar off was getting to come home and hold our boys close to me for the first time since the accident. They were still so scared to touch me but it was the first time I got to hold them close since we lost Derek.

09/21/11, My first steps... This was a scary day, the first time I put weight on my legs, I didn't know what to expect, it was scary and painful but in the end was amazing to stand on my legs again. It was five steps that were painful and emotional all at the same time.







October 2011 was spent in Audubon Hospital for my bladder repair which was suppose to be a three day stay and turned into a lot longer, plus more blood transfusion and the deepest depression state that I hit since the beginning.

November 2011 thru July 2012 was a part of the journey that if you have been following my blog will know that it was more the emotional battles that we have faced and still face everyday in finding myself and where we belong in this new life of ours.

July 7, 2012 Today... And here I am today a year later and with some of the people that helped me get here. I will never be able to thank everyone enough and tell everyone in words what their love and support has meant to me but I hope each and every one of them know. Today a year later... I am where I am due to a lot of things, the strength that I learned from my amazing husband, the strength that our two beautiful boys still teach me everyday, the strength from my family and friends, but also from the strength that I have found inside myself to do this and make my life mean something. I am stronger then I could have ever imagined. If you would have asked me last year, I would not have imagined I would feel this strong, have been able to do the Triple Crown and to be able to live in our house and care for our boys again. I always said I would and was very strong on the outside, but on the inside I was still searching for that strength and some days I still look for more. Our lives will never be the same without Derek but our lives would have never been as amazing as they are without Derek in them. Derek was my soul mate and everything to me, we were married for almost 13 years and best friends for 19 years, even know like everyone we didn't have the prefect marriage, we had an amazing life together and loved each other unconditionally. That is one of the main reasons I am where I am today because of Derek.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012 Looking Back...

This is something I came across while cleaning up my computer, I wrote this 12 days after loosing Derek last year, pain was so raw, physically, mentally and emotionally but wanted to share... Finding a lot of files today and even a video from him...

WHY..    

July 14, 2011

Where do I start and what do I say.

I have only just lost you and the pain is hard to bear. You were my everything and my life and I just don’t know where to go from here.

It is hard to think that I have to go through life knowing your not here

Please someone explain to me why you had to go are there any reasons I really need to know. I sit here and remember all the lovely times we shared, the talks the laughter of every one you cared

I am told the pain will ease in time and I will think of you without a tear but that will be impossible as I need to have you here

You were my very world and my strength when I needed you.

I know I have to get better and heal for your boys but it is so impossible for me to understand how to even do that.

Ethan missing his night tickles and you swim and cannon balls. Garret misses the man he looked up to for everything. How can I ever help them understand if I can’t

Everytime I close my eyes I see your beautiful smiling face and the man I loved and I can’t imagine not seeing you walk in the kitchen every morning and give me your amazing morning hugs. I miss your arms around me so much that the pain is unbearable.

Baby so many people loved you….

I promise you that I will be strong and take it day by day because I know you are in heaven looking over me. I promise to raise our boys like we always talked about and tell them daily how much you loved them.

You deserved so much more time with them and I will never understand why God decided it was your time.

Monday, July 2, 2012 One Year Later...

One Year Later....

I was sitting on the back porch this morning listening to the wind blowing and the sound of your windchimes, and just felt numb. I woke up feeling numb and not knowing how to feel or what to expect from the day. Should I feel different then I do any other day, do I miss you any more today then I have every day the past year. It still hurts today just like every day when you are gone from our life but like every day I get up and I face the world for You, our boys and myself. It was just me this morning sitting there, I have had a lot of time to think about life lately, how nothing is ever as it seems, how fragile it is, and how fast time passes us by.

It has been one year today since you left us. I still at times can't believe it is forever, I still can't believe even with flashback what happen on that dreadful day. The raw pain I felt I can still feel, the sounds of the ambulance as I laid there hoping it was all a bad dream. 

Today and everyday I will never understand why but I know I will never get those answers so I decided to stop asking because it didn't help me start healing or living. It just made me angry and I can't be an angry person for our boys.

The day went okay, it had it's ups and downs. We stayed at the farm last night and started the day with noodling and got two catfish, boys smiling the entire time to show their friends how to do it. Then a wonderful visit and lunch with Dr T. and friends, had to see him today. He was your closest friend after all you shared the past year and he misses your friendship so much. But it was a good lunch and they all love our boys so much. Then off to the cemetery and crash site for a short visit. We finished the day with a lot of laughs and smiles in the pool. Some water basketball and volleyball for a few hours, it was fun and you were missed a lot.

What amazed me the most today is the 40 plus text that I received from so many wonderful family and friends. The amazing facebook post from all the wonderful people that you touched with your life. It was overwhelming babe. I didn't have to send one text today because all the people that loved us sent so many words of encourgement because they knew I wouldn't be able to get words out. The people in this world that love you and us, the people that you touched with your amazing personality. You were an amazing man and nobody will ever forget that. Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful words and text today, I was amazed with the amount of them and it was what we needed today. I am sorry I didn't get to answer everyone but I had a hard time with words today and still am. I don't know what you say on a day like today. But just knowing that so many people are thinking about us and praying for us is what keeps us going.