Thursday, May 9, 2013 Roller Coaster Ride....

You've heard me before talk about my roller coaster ride of a life and it continues with all the little things day in and day out. You have to take the good with the bad. These days there are more good in which I thank God for daily. But the bad still hit or bump me here and there.
Been struggling with Garret these days on listening and all, I lose my patience with him sometimes and then get mad at myself. It's hard to be mom 24/7, not to have someone to bounce things off of, calm you down before you yell at them or overreact or just tag team when you have hit your limit. It is a huge adjustment for me. I had a rough night the over night and yelled at him, we both laid down crying, I was mad at Derek and God for having me do this alone, that was not the plan or how my life was suppose to be, at least in my little mind. I get on those little pity parties occasionally when I let things get to me. But in the end I walked in and kissed them both and told them I loved them. Never go to sleep mad or upset with someone, you never know what morning will bring. I just have to work on my patience and chill before I yell, lesson I learn over and over as a parent. The neighbor and I always tease about if we ever hear each other yelling at our children, funny thing is we never have heard each other, but we are human and we do it sometimes. Those boys are amazing and I know that, I know that I am strong enough with God's help to do this and I will. Just have bumps sometimes.
Witnessed an accident the other day, probably the first since mine, it could have been so much worse then it was but it was pretty sudden and the car was going so fast. Thank God it went to the grass and not into us head on, he hit a telephone pole and broke it in half, was able to stand up and walk away from the car. People sometimes forget what power they have behind the wheel, so take it slow and please put down the phone. It was all so fast and froze me, I became completely numb and flashing back to so many things that I don't even want to share. It can happen in a split of a second and change so many lives.
The next morning I got up to a new day and have been smiling ever since, because it is a new day and I try to count my blessings every day. I have a lot to be happy about and lucky to have. Had an amazing start to Mother's Day weekend with a dinner, flowers and etc... already. Boys picked out a hanging flower for me, mom said it wasn't the prettiest but that it was the one that they had to have for me and that is all that counts. Today I woke up feeling very Lucky and special, that is always a hard one because people may think I am crazy to feel lucky but I am and what I have learned along the way has taught me that. Doesn't mean that it is okay what happen and it doesn't make me sad, it just means that it makes me hold on to the one's I love more and know that each day I am lucky to have them in my life. Our boys and I are still here and will live each day to the fullest even with the bumps in the road. As I said from the beginning, we will laugh and smile in our house every day even if it comes with tears some days.
I heard this morning yet another young man that I know and went to high school with died this morning, it makes me sad but it should also remind us that life is short.

"This Is Your Life"

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

Tuesday, May 7, 2013 Need to read everyday...

I posted the below post on January 9, 2012 and I still to this day should read this everyday because as everyone I get caught up in the everyday things and I don't stop to breathe or appreciate what I have even after all the loss. It is easy to do in this busy world but we all need to really take notice because it can be taken in a blink of an eye. Time flies by.
I remember when I use to get sick to my stomach and complete withdraw on the 2nd of every month just because Derek died on the 2nd but this month I was so busy I didn't have time to even think about it. Is that good or bad, I don't know. I am still grieving and healing everyday but it is in a different way. I smile more when I think of him and I feel happy that I had Derek in my life for the time I did. I still miss him daily and there is still always something everyday that pops in my head of how he would do it or react to me doing something a certain way. Especially around the house or on something that he would have been doing but it is always a thought with a smile. I never thought I would get to where the memories would make me smile but they do. In this chapter of my life I know that I was blessed to have him in my life for the time I did and that we had two amazing boys together. It kills me to know what he will miss during our boys life but I know he will always be looking over us and smiling down as these two boys grow into amazing men. And I have to focus on the good and not the missing pieces.
So please remember to slow down, breathe and count your blessings.
Pictures are from my Nephew's wedding that the boys were in, it felt great to be with family and celebrate the beginning of Brent and Shelby's life together, Derek would be so proud of Brent and the young man he has turned into.
Post from January 9, 2012:

What I try to believe in life, because not everyone understands just how precious it really is…

Life is crazy, and totally unpredictable...
It's going to bring you to your knees, kick you while you're down,
and hit you when you try to get back up.
Not everything can beat you but things are going to change you.
Listen to your heart, Follow your dreams or make news ones when yours get shattered and let no one tell you what you're capable of.
Push the limits, Bend the rules, and enjoy every minute of it.
Laugh at everything, Live for as long as you can.
Love all but be careful who you trust with your heart..
Believe in yourself, and never lose faith in others
Settle for nothing but only the best, And give 110% in everything you do.
Take risks, Live on the edge, Yet stay safe,
And cherish every single moment of it!!!
Life is a gift, appreciate all of it, and jump on every opportunity.
Not every one's going to love you, but who needs them anyways.
Challenge everything, and fight for what you believe.
Back down to nothing, but give in to the little things in life,
After all, that is what makes you.
Forget the unnecessary, But remember everything,
Bring it with you everywhere you go. Memories are Priceless!!!
Learn something new, hate nothing, But dislike what you want.
Never forget where you came from, and always remember where you are going.

Even when it’s hard to see!!!
Live Life to its fullest, and have a reason for everything,
Even if it's totally insane. Find your purpose in life, and Live it!

This might not always be easy to see every day in this journey that we are all

On but we have to remember that it is our life to live and you only get one chance.

So even during the dark and hard times, remember there is more!!!

When life gets to be more than you can stand….

Kneel!!!

I believe in the Sun even when it is not shining…

In love even when I am alone…And in God even when he is silent!!!