Saturday, Sept 20, 2014 Home...

2:45am came early this morning after a long day of work yesterday but here I am sitting at the Tallahassee airport and so ready to be home and with my boys. Its funny in a few ways, I remember not too long ago I didn't want to go home, my peace was when I was away on trips, not from boys but away from all the memories and raw pain that was there while trying to learn how to live in my house again without Derek. Every corner, every spot, every item had memories and for a while they were so painful. It was all so painful because I was stuck in that "what it was supposed to be" and that was a hard thing to get pasted. Every time you see a family, a husband, dad or have a memory it took me saying this is not how it was supposed to be, we were supposed to grow old, raise our boys and be a happy family. At some point I had to let go of what it was supposed it be because as much as I want it, I can't change it and it will never be what we always planned. I had to come to peace with that and be okay with what it is and make a new future. Its not easy, its not fun some days and some days I still want to give up and not do this but in the end I'm here to raise our boys and find the best life for us. It still comes with pain, tears and struggle but you start a new day and trust that God has you every day.