Thursday, May 31, 2012 How....

How can you just be gone??? I get through my days know I have to live and not really over thinking everything or at least try not too, don't always succeed at that. I've been going to your office for a couple weeks now but today it really was a struggle. Every time I am there I see things or have memories of your time there but I push them off because I can't fall apart every time I see it. I didn't fall apart today, I didn't even cry but I find it really hard today to push off those thougths and feelings. I've had something else on my mind all morning to keep me distracted that I am way over thinking but then I go to get a water from the kitchen that you built here and when I open the cabinet, there is all our old dishes I gave you for here and there is your canned soup that you would keep here and even a bottle in the fridge of yours, I smiled a little but it stung also, then I start messing in the warehouse and there is your wonderful handwriting on a box and your signature on a piece of paper. How can all these things still be here and you just be gone in a heartbeat. Seems like yesterday you were walking in the door, or walking up behind me in the kitchen and putting your arms around me as you kissed me on the neck. And the way you use to put the boys to bed by telling them a story, tickling their neck or shaking their entire bed. Or our nights we would all sit and read a book or the bible and lay around in the boys floor and talk. Or that little look you would get on your face that looks like your boys when your up to no good. So many memories that I hold dear and will always no matter what. I miss your eyes, your legs, your smiling and mostly your laugh.
I want to see you, to be able to have one more conversation so you can help me understand what I'm suppose to be doing and not be so scared of things. You knew me more then anyone, every good, bad and ugly. Every pain, every scar, every thought and every heart ache of mine till now. The heart aches now are beyond belief even when they don't have to do with you, it all hurts to the soul, and nobody can ever understand that. You didn't leave me much heart because you took so much of it with you, but what I have left I am yet again picking up the pieces, and it stinks.
Someone told me that I will always want my life back and everyone should expect that, because I didn't get a choice. I was also told by this same person that you get one soul mate and that I will never have what I had with you. And I get that and I don't want that with anyone else but to never feel that way again is breath taking. I was starting to feel less numb for a while but I have fell back into that numb feeling, guess it will come and go in this life, but I don't like numb, it's just easier then hurting.
I will always love you, you were my best friend, wonderful father to our children and husband. I can't imagine to far ahead these days but I know that you are watching over us and that we will be okay. I think that is why I slid backyards, I looked to far ahead, thought I was in a good place and thought I would be okay, and then realized that nothing in my life will ever be easy again and that I still need to take it a day at a time. We will hurt, we will cry, but we will laugh and smile also because we had you and you were more then life to us. Thank you for being you and giving us all of you everyday!!!

Thursday, May 31, 2012 ?????

Not in the mood to share much, up a lot last night with my head rushing with so many thoughts of WHY about so much in my life right now, and I will never get some of those answers. I always believed that things happen for a reason, that GOD has control even know we have a lot to do with it in our choices, that people are put in your life for a reason, that everything will be alright. Some days that's just hard to believe in my world, how much faith does GOD have in me that he thinks I can handle more. I had a good day and enjoyed my boys last night a lot with family over but just couldn't sleep and feeling just here. I need so bad to talk to Derek right now, he would so know what to do or tell me how to do this or get my head screwed on right.
I miss coming home and having someone to talk to and share with.
I will get up and continue to push forward, just a little slide backwards.
Saturday will be 11 months, my gosh that year mark is coming too fast.
Think I need to go to cemetery just don't know.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 High School...

We thought high school was the entire world back then, wow how easy it was then. High school will never prepare you for what life really is and some people still act like they are in high school, which is funny and sad. We thought we knew so much back then, but the fact is we knew nothing at all.
It's been a day for me, I've been doing really good but sometimes things can still bring me to my knees. I had decided I was going to the cemetery today, then workout before dinner. But I tried driving to the cemetery and I couldn't do it, so many things started flashing in my head. The day just got the best if me, my much needed dinner plans changed last minute, I then find out a friends husband was in a bad accident and Daniel (our farm Lab) is at vet and not good, and that will crush my boys. Wow how much more, anyone want to punch me in the gut more. After letting some frustration out at gym, I went and ran the BC high school track where I went to high school. Did some thinking and texting with a good friend who helped me see a few things better, but it still always hurts. Lesson learned as we say!!! Things and people will come and go in life, some we will be able to hold on to and some will slip away without us noticing or because we aren't given a choice. For me it's the problem of understanding WHY, the big question that I have to so many things in my life. I see so many people these days that just choose to not be happy and I will never understand that, life is hard but short. We get one chance at it and we should make the best of it.
I haven't gotten to make a lot of big choices in my life, I didn't get to decide to be a widow (hate that word) or a single mom with two boys but that is what I am and I will live it to the fullest for Derek, my boys and myself. It's like I told a friend today, we will have a lot to deal with on this journey we are on, we can choose to fall or support each other and stand strong. I choose to stand, or fall to my knees and try to pray when it gets hard. It's days like today that make that hard, makes me want to crawl into my ball and disappear but I can't do it, I will not let life tear me down.
Tomorrow it's off to Elizabethtown again, just what I need after today. I had and know what true love, for better or worse & FOREVER really means, and I miss that like hell. I didn't get to choose for that to be ripped out of my life, but now I have to figure out what my new forever will look like day by day, but somedays it is hard to see through all the stuff smacking me in the face. Every little thing stings so bad because my pain is still so raw.

Monday, May 28, 2012 Fun by the Pool...

Good day of laying by the pool, relaxing, watching the kids play and enjoying family.

Day of relaxing after a long weekend!!!

Monday, May 28, 2012 True Friendship...

I have many friends and family that have been there before, during and after the accident in my life and they are all very special to me. But I want to take a moment to appreicate one friendship that has always been so dear to my heart like so many. She has been here for my good, bad and ugly since high school, after and even when Derek and I first got together. I don't share many of the pictures from the hospital but I will this one. Her and her family got in the car as soon as they heard and drove straight through to the hospital and were there when I finally remember waking up a week later. I was so sick in this picture and only out of ICU very shortly, I was totally lost without Derek, I remember that day and so many, very well and it sucked.
I spent this past weekend in West Virginia and had a good weekend with family and friends. These are the friends that are family no matter what, as Derek always said "make your family your friends and your friends your family". Peggy has always been a wonderful friend and we have been there for each other through so much, we never imagined this would be one of them. I can't even explain in words but she is a friend that I only have to have close to me and not even talk and it calms me and makes me feel okay down to my soul, that is a lot to me right now. I remember a night at the house after I got home finally after the accident and I had about 20 people running around my house and I was struggling with holding back the tears and just yelling at the top of my lungs but as I looked down at her sitting on the couch holding my feet, she calmed me just by looking at me with a look that said it's okay, I sat and let the tears run down my face in silentence and she just understood without words. It felt good to sit and talk for hours this weekend, and see on her face that she was so happy to see in my eyes that I was going to be okay and that I wanted to live again. It was hard to leave today, took a lot to let go of that hug and wipe the tears but no matter how far apart we are she is always close to me. Peggy thank you for everything! Derek loved you so much from the first time he met you and he thought the world of you and your family. He loved coming to visit every time!

True friendship isn't seen with the eyes, it is felt with the heart.
When there is trust, understanding, loyalty, and sharing.
True friendship is a rare feeling, but when it is found
It has profound impact on our well-being, strength, and character.
True friendship does not need elaborate gifts
Or spectacular events in order to be valuable or valued.
To ensure long-lasting quality and satisfaction,
True friendship only needs a few key ingredients:
Undying loyalty, unmatched understanding, unsurpassed trust,
Deep and soulful secrets, and endless sharing.
These ingredients, mixed with personality and a sense of humor,
Can make a friendship last a lifetime!
This is just a thank you, my friend, for all the wonderful and colorful
Special ingredients You've brought to my life!

 

Sunday, May 27, 2012 Good Times, Bittersweet...

Having a good weekend away with some wonderful friends. Good day of seeing Haeley for prom, good talks with Peggy, a few tears, seeing old friends and playing cards till early morning. We have a lot of memories up here and Derek always enjoyed visiting everyone. The boys had a long but fun day of being boys, while running around playing ball and sweating. In no hurry to rush back home. Late nights of fun and sleeping in!!!!

Friday, May 25, 2012 Finding ME...

Friday, May 25, 2012 Finding Myself...
I have figured out a lot the past couple weeks, I am starting to find myself, understanding and accept my myself more everyday. I remember my mom questioning me when I told her I needed to find me, because she didn't want me to think I had lost myself. But I had, I wasn't just me for a long time, when you are with the same person for 15 years you become an us which is an amazing thing that I enjoyed every day, even the bad days. But then when that changes in a day, you don't know what or who you are and I am still working on it. But for the first time, I think I am getting there. There are things and people in my life that have helped and are helping me do this and they probably don't even know they are doing it. I have struggled with people telling me I am strong because I was so broken inside, I hated to here that and didn't feel strong. I am sure I am going to have days I don't feel strong and I hope those are the days my friends support me more but for now, for the first time in over 10 months, I feel strong and I feel okay with myself. If you have been following my blog you will see that I have been struggling with some things for a bit and probably don't understand it in detail but for me it was learning things about myself and the people that I felt I needed so bad in my life for me to be okay, the little things and people sometimes would hold me together, and I still need these people in my life. I had to figure out that my happiness and my ability to be happy and okay never should be wrapped around something or someone. That was a hard fact to understand when my happiness and what made me complete for so many years was my family, I mean I loved myself but I lived for my family. That is a wonderful thing but when it gets ripped out from under you it can totally knock your legs out from under you. Today I feel okay standing on my own two feet, it won't be like this every day I know that, I still have a ways to go but every good day I will take and it will help me make it through the bad days. I have some amazing people in my life, too many to mention and the ones that unfortuniately I have met because we share a common lose with a husband or wife, those are the bittersweet relationships. I can text or call these people anytime and they totally get it where some people I hope will never understand what this does to our hearts, heads and soul.
I struggle with wanting to know everything now and wanting to rush life because I know how easy you can lose it but really no matter how hard it is, we all have to slow down and look at ourselves and the people around us and appreicate every minute. Derek got that so much and really started understanding it the year before the accident. As much as I question God and all I know, God gave Derek and I some things that past year that made us better parents, husband and wife and best friends. It is hard to not have my best friend by my side anymore but I finally am cherishing the memories and what I have, the memories are starting to be less painful and that is a lot for me.
I am always myself, never any more or any less, I will never lose myself no matter how far I go. I am strong in the eye of the strom and shall triumph towards success. And when it feels too much, there is always much more I can lose - if I let it go. I know I am stronger than any evil, so no matter what happens, I will alway be myself.

Friday, May 25, 2012 Good Day...
Thursday was a good day and I don't get to always say that much. Boys enjoyed a good day outside running around washing cars and trying to chase birds at moms and dads. I spent the work day in Elizabethtown again at Derek's old office, back next week for a couple days again. I got to spend time with three different friends last night, two I had not seen in a while and one I talk to a lot. I enjoyed seeing each of them, talking and getting some exercise on top of it all. Had some really good talks that are helping me work on trusting in people and God, I am trying but it is a daily schedule. Didn't sleep great last night but first night of restlessness in three nights so I will take it. Heading out of town for some great freinds and some relaxing.

Letting Go...

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realzation that I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hand.

To "let go" in not to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to deny but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings

and to correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my own desires but to take

each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to critize and regulate anybody but to try to become

what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and to live for today.

Wednesday May 23, 2012 Boys and Sleep...
Long day yesterday, went to Elizabethtown to Derek's old office for the first time, and really don't want to share any of that. But I did make to through!!!
Went to the movies last night with Rhonda and Peyton to see Men In Black 3, pretty good movie and the boys liked it. But of course the end of the movie makes us remember our life, don't want to spoil it for anyone. But on the way home Ethan was so tried he feel asleep and Garret grabbed his little notebook to write while we talked. Just asked him how he was doing and all, he always says okay, I told him how proud his daddy and I are of him and more that I won't share. He is an amazing boy but the whole time I am hiding the tears and how hard it is not to just totally cry my eyes out because I have to have these conversations with my boys. They miss Derek so much and it is so painful to watch, that is where I struggle the most these days. He always just writes, I miss you dad you were the best dad in the world, we saw a movie tonight that you would have loved, wish you were here. How do you take that pain away from a 10 year old and why does a 10 year old have to live without his father. But after some talking and snuggling everyone went to bed and got a good nights sleep.
Sleep is becoming a little better for me, between Ethan sleeping in his new bed for three nights now and me letting go of a few things I have been struggling with the past day or so, I actually got 4 1/2 hours sleep straight last night. Probably would have gotten more if I would have stopped answering text but that's okay, I enjoy texting with the people that care to check on us and love us.
Here is to the rest of the week and getting away for a few days this weekend with a great friend and my boys!!! Looking forward to smiling, laughing and relaxing!!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012 Nothing...

Tuesday, May, 22, 2012 More First...

Yesterday and today I had some more first moments. Yesterday I handled it and had a good night last night, today will be a hard one but I will become stronger for it, no matter how hard it tries to tear me down. Today I will face some fears on my own and it will be okay!!!

Sunday, May 20, 2012 Good Day...
Was a good day with my boys, wasn't looking forward to a full day at home after this week so Kim called and ask us to spend the day with them at the farm. So glad she did, ended up to be a good day, we got some new fishing gear, fished, went shooting and sat on the back deck to enjoy the view, company and some good conversation. It was good to see my boys enjoy theirselves, fish with them and be able to talk to my family about everything that made it a rough week and get their feedback, they don't tell me what to do but they trust in me and that helps even know they can't fix any of it. It also helped that I caught more fish then anyone else. This was Derek's type of fishing, he had no patience and loved when they were biting all day.
Here is to a positive week and long weekend!!!

Sunday, May 20, 2012 Bittersweet...

Well here I am, laying in my bed with my mind racing with mixed feelings. Ethan officially slept in his bed for the first time by himself since the accident. It's a little bittersweet for me, it has always been nice to not sleep here alone but I know it is good for him. So now I have to get use to waking up alone in the morning, even if it was to a 8 year old, my mom or my many friends that have just been here for support. My favorite thing is waking up and rolling over to snuggle up or waking up with an arm around you, that is a wonderful feeling a miss right now.
Yesterday was a good day, boys had a good night at NaNa's while I had some time out. Picked them up and headed to their last soccer game in the heat, then back to the house with friends to swim the day away and grill out. We sat and talked about a lot of things and it was good. It was nice but at the end of the day still missing things.
Realized today after some thinking and talking with Angela that sometimes people aren't who you thought they were, that can sometimes in my world be a good or bad thing. For me during all this some people have surprised me, hurt me, and loved me but every time it is different when you realize things about people. I think some people don't realize the impact they have on people's life, I see it in my life and other peoples life daily. The good people will make major difference in your life, the bad people will too but in a different way, as a lesson. Some are not bad people but they still always leave scars and never even realize it because they never really think about their actions or impact that they make in people's life for whatever reason.
In the end I appreciate the people in my life and the friendships I have that help me get up and face the world. Life doesn't always give us what we want but what we decide to do with it is what matters in the end. Even the bad stuff it hands us. So think before you speak and act towards people. Think before you even walk into someone's life and really make a good difference, because it could mean a lot. Love your family and friends.

Saturday, May 19, 2012 Finding Myself....
Well it has been a week from hell but in the end I have learned a lot, some good and some bad about myself but in the end I have discovered a lot of things. Some people will not understand any of this or read into it wrong but this blog is for me and me alone and the journey that I am on to where ever I am headed. I have already made mistakes and really regret some things and people I may loose because of it but I know now that I can't keep being scared and letting what has happened in my life define who I am and how I feel.
For me it was realizing that I can't let that day completely control my every action and thought. I can't do that anymore, it was a horrible day that not everyone knows to many details about but I can never explain to anyone how I replay every moment of the accident in my head and it seemed to last forever. I remember where my hands where on Derek's waist, I remember every muscle in his body, I remember five minutes before him reaching down and rubbing my leg to say I Love You. I remember every muscle in his body trying to fight to keep us alive on that day. I remember flying over him and hitting the ground every single time, I remember finally laying and immediately standing up and taking exactly two and a half steps towards him to fall and see him dead in front of me. I still have that picture of him laying face down on the concrete in my head for life and it is the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. I have struggled with regret for not walking over to him more, I regret saying yes to that bike ride that he begged me to go on, I regret so much that day but in the end there is nothing anyone can do to change it or bring him back. I can never tell you in words the horrible feeling, guilt and pain that I have every day for watching my husband die that day. It is a pain that I will carry for the rest of my life. But I know now that I can't let that define who I am and how I love the people around me. I could not control what happen that day but every moment since then I have tried to control every little thing in my life to the point that I have crushed people, pushed people and totally not liked who I was or how I was reacting. I know now that I am more then that and I can have a life and live, I want to live for the first time in a long time. I still have bad days and I still have flash backs but I want to live, be happy and love people. I just pray that the people that I have hurt and pushed understand that this isn't me, that I have work to do and that I am scared to death. I can only take it a day at a time and see where I end up. I will live everyday for my boys and for myself. I can't control every detail of my life, sometimes we have to sit back and let things just happen and sometimes it will be good but if not then we tried and we didn't mess it up by trying to control everything. All this has a lot to do with a number of things in my life right now, from my house, my boys, my attitude, my emotions, my friends, my family and all the people I truly love in my life.
With that I am probably going to take a break from my blog and facebook for a while and focus on more important things in my life including myself. I have work to do and I am starting to realize a lot of things. It will be more ups and downs I am sure but I will figure some things out and work on me.
I don't want the pain to control me anymore, I want to sit and breathe, I have been saying and trying for a while to breathe, I have told a few peoeple that I want to just breathe. But sometimes it is what actaully takes our breath away that are the important things and I have had a few like that. Thanks for my friends and family I have had some of that, I have had some laughs and cries but I can't wrap my happiness around all that, I want to be happy for me and in myself.

Saturday, May 19, 2012 This New life of Mine...

Sometimes I wonder, when does life finally let you settle into a good routine? Will I ever feel like I know where I am going and if where I am is a good place to be? I know life is filled with uncertainties but I pretty much had a good clue on what life was going to be or at least what I thought a year ago. Now I find myself questioning everything. It is driving me insane.

Friday, May 18, 2012 Honor Roll...
Would love to say I had a good nights sleep but think I've given up on that by now. Starting to do pretty good without it these days, guess the body gets use to it after this long. I did get a much needed workout and good dinner with good company last night so that made for an okay night.
Well my two wonderful boys had their last day of school yesterday for this year and were happy as can be. They both made the honor roll all year long, they amaze me everyday. So I took them for ice cream last night after we came home for awhile. We went to DQ for blizzers per their request and sat outside to talk. So while sitting at DQ in Shepherdsville we talk about last day of school and different stuff. Then Ethan says we use to all do this with dad here. And he is correct, Derek liked his ice cream just like they did, I always went but like last night didn't eat it. So we started talking about memories and stuff we did. They remembered that three weeks before the accident we went and played Putt Putt on the new course at Kart Kountry. It was nice to hear them talk but at the same time I was fighting back the tears every minute. I can't explain the pain I feel when I have to sit and hear my boys tell me we USE to or we DID this with dad. My sweet boys shouldn't have to be telling memories about their father, they should be living them. For me I will manage and deal but as I have said so many times before, my biggest pain is watching my boys grow up without their father to share things with and without Derek being able to share them with them. He had so many things he wanted to do with them and show them. I remember Derek saying so many times, I can't wait till we do this or they are old enough to do this. And that is all gone in a second. How do I fix that or make it better???? I can continue to do the things I do but it will never make it okay that they lost a huge part in this, really they lost more then any of us in this and it just isn't fair. That part will never get easier.
I know they are doing okay, or as good as they can. They enjoy things and I love to see them smile but for me it is a pain that I hate that they have to bare. They then jumped to another subject and were laughing and smiling again, that the amazing thing with kids. They are getting that spark back in their eyes when they talk about things. They are such country boys, they talked for 30 minutes about going to Lonny's farm and Eric's farm to see the animals and asking me when can they go back. They would go everyday if I would let them. They love the animals, fishing, running around and doing that boy stuff and being around the male role models in their life. I guess that's that best thing I can do. On Mother's Day they were up at the pond and fished for hours in the rain and mud, they didn't even get much that day but they will stand there and cast over and over. It helped that Uncle Lonny built them a dock, and yes he built it for them and put it in the spot for them. So rotten.
The picture below is at Barren Lake, one of our many times camping there, they look so young and there is Derek fishing in the back ground, and he didn't fish much, no patiences for it. They grow up so fast and time goes by too fast.

Thursday, May 17, 2012
I’m fearful of everything these days, Confused, Stressed. Why? I guess we always want a guarantee on our decisions. That if we make a mistake things will be quickly fixed. And when the fixes aren’t quick, then we second guess or it’s not how we thought things were going to go. But that’s not life is it?! Life is FULL of complications. Full of change. Change that you don’t want. Full of the ups and downs. But going through these changes and how we build our character and how we learn, that’s what defines ourselves isn’t it.
At least I would like to believe that, been a rough week and don't have much to post today! Was sick as a dog last night and I think it was just the week beating me up, and no sleep. I NEED sleep!!! Here is to a good next few days and a weekend with family and good friends.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012 Darkest Nights....

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise!!! Good Morning D, love and miss you!!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 Simple Life...
I WANT THE SIMPLE LIFE but I don't think anything will ever be simple for me again. Life will try to drag us down, beat us up and leave us laying there, it is our choice to get up and keep going. I for one can tell you that it is not easy. I always thought life was what you make it but that statement has a different meaning now. I believe we can still have a huge impact on our own lives but we have to have the courage to do it and make a difference no matter how much of a struggle it is, because in the end it will be worth it, at least we have to believe that. I believe that with as much heart as I have left these days but even know they are my own words I still struggle with pushing down walls and seeing that things will get better. I know for a fact that I have came a long way in 10 months & 12 days, some of it I was so numb that I don't even remember feeling anything. These days I feel everything, even the things that I way over think and create a problem that wasn't there. So how do we keep pushing forward when life is knocking us down, anyone get an easy answer to that then let me know. I live for my boys and I am learning to live for myself as hard as that is. For me it seems SIMPLE, I want to feel okay and secure, I want to know that people are going to be in my life for a long time, I don't like having the feeling that I can lose people so easy, rather it is by an accident or by choice. I never realized what a security I had knowing that I had someone there for 15 years that I never once thought would go anywhere. Now I feel like I can't hang on to anyone or anything. That is a struggle in myself. When I start sinking sometimes I remember back to a very bad time in the hospital when I had decided to give up, I was done, tired mentally, physically and emotionally. I laid in the crack of the bed between the mattress and rail for 3 to 4 days, I refused to talk, eat or feel anything at all. I remember Stephanie walking in my room (after being picked up at the airport) and I could even see the pain on her face when she could see it on my face. I remember waking up with Mark at the end of my bed 3-4 morning to tell me that I didn't get a choice in giving up, that I had to fight. I remember Sharon (who hates hospitals) staying the night to give mom a break and trying her best to talk me into eating pudding, I don't think she slept at all that night. I remember Travis laying by my bed one night to hold my hand to make me feel a little safe for a night between flash back and pain. I remember Lonny working 12 hour days and going home to shower and come see me at the hospital and telling me everything will be okay. I remember the look in my sister, mom and dad's eyes when I decided I couldn't do this and wanted to give up. I remember Angela coming every night to just sit, talk or not talk, whatever I needed. All the nights of Julie painting my nails to make me feel better, or shaving my legs. Those and so many people took time out of their lives to help me stop sinking. In the end, I decided to live and to fight, without the help of a pill or anything else, it was me that made that choice with the help of people around me. So we do control some things in our life, we choose to look at the good and not let the bad get us down. Look around, I am sure everyone has something or someone they can think of that makes them smile a little or get that little warm feeling inside. I even have a little of that at this point and no matter how scary that is, I have to hold on to those things to make me keep going till I find okay or even good. I hope for the day that I can say "I had an awesome day" don't use the word awesome or great much these days but I am getting use to okay and good sometimes. It will never be the same and I will always struggle with things that I don't share with many people but in the end I will keep trying to push forward, I will keep trying to find out what life has for me. A friend sent me a picture that was about 6-7 months old of me in my wheelchair, with my bar on, I remember that picture being taken, I was in a low spot still and we still didn't know if my hips would hold me, but my boys faces say it all, they were happy that I was sitting there alive. But last night I walked the track that I have now ran on and walked on a number of times during soccer practice before and after the accident, and I have came a long way which is a daily struggle inside for me. I still see Derek coaching our boys on those fields since they were little when I run and it makes me push even harder.

Sunday, May 13, 2012 Mother's Day...

Mother's Day like every holiday now is so different. Last mother's day like every one before I would wake to Derek laying beside me watching me sleep to tell me all the wonderful things that he loved and appreciated about me being a wife and a mom, including all the things that he overlooked all year long. This morning I woke up in a hotel room with my boys trying to focus on them and that's what I will try to do today. Being a mother is the best gift in the world and my boys are amazing.
Happy Mother's Day to my mother in law, Today is a hard day for her and I feel so sad for her, I can't imagine the sadness she is dealing with but I know Derek loved her and was very proud to have her as a mother, no mother should ever have to experience what she is going through. I pray that GOD and Derek will give her some peace and healing through this day and every day after. She was an amazing mother to Derek and he knew that every day and was the man he was because of her.
Happy Mother's Day to my mom, she has truly proven to me what being a mother is all about with how she has majorly stepped in and taken care of me during the hardest thing in my life. She physically, mentally and emotionally has been there and made sure I got up every morning and realized I had to live my life no matter how painful it was. She truly loved Derek like her own, heck sometimes Derek teased she liked him more because she always took care of him more then me, LOL. I can see his smile now when he would say that mom called to ask what he wanted for dinner. I thank GOD that he gave mom that phone call from Derek the Thursday before the accident, he was an amazing man.
Happy Mother's Day to all my friends and family who are blessed in this world to be a mother. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Thank you all for the text that started at 2am this morning. Every one means the world to me. Love You All!

Saturday, May 12, 2012 Soccer Tournament

Our first traveling soccer tournament to Richmond, Ky. Derek was missed more then I can even describe. He should have been on the side lines for our boys, it is not fair that they have to go without him. They miss him so much especially on the soccer field. We had a horrible ref and two parents ejected, and oh Derek would have been tossed out along with them. Could see him now yelling on the sideline, just not fair to our boys.

Friday, May 11, 2012 Picking up the pieces...

Restless night but different then others, won't call it one of my worst but just different. Had a good day yesterday and started really feeling like we are really getting some peace and picking up the pieces. 14 years ago, heck 10 to 14 months ago if you would have told me I would be here, I could have never imagined. I don't think anyone could have imagined or would want to or know until your in these shoes. It is a life I don't wish on anyone but along the way I am learning, praying and trying to trust in GOD, Derek, family & friends to live again and be strong for everyone including myself. I would never trade the past 19 years that I had knowing Derek and our life together, even know it ended in such a painful way & way too soon, we had forever and I had my soul mate for an amazing 19 years. He is a part of me and my boys, he took a piece of me with him but he is helping me heal the rest. We could all learn from Derek, he loved life, loved family & friends, and loved GOD. I think GOD put things in our life and let some things happen the year before the accident that never meant anything until now when I look back. This includes people, things and even conversation Derek and I had, GOD was working in our life and with Derek. Derek told me in Waffle house one night that GOD was wanting him to do more, never thought much about it till the accident. Two weeks before the accident Derek asked me to start praying with him at night, thank you Dr T For being an amazing person in our lives, an amazing best friend to Derek when he needed it most & continuing to be a major part in the boys and my life, you give me a comfort I can never describe in words. GOD put people in our life and in Derek's life, I have to trust that it was all for a reason. And now after more then 10 months I think GOD & Derek are still putting people in our life to help us and guide us in picking up the pieces to our new life, in which Derek will always be a part of forever.
I had lunch and dinner with two people in my life that I think will be a huge part of all that. Everyone is going through their own struggles, and being challenged and making us all question why, is GOD in control but in the end it is faith and you have to believe, what other choice do we have, I don't like the other option which is nobody is in control, because I know I'm not or I wouldn't be sitting here. I have to believe that GOD & Derek know what I need & my boys need to find peace and healing, they will put people in our life, old friends and new that will help us along this journey. We will pick up the pieces, probably drop a few more then once but in the end not feel so shattered. It is a scary journey, and I fight it everyday but nobody promised it would be easy. I would rather live shattered then to not have had Derek in my life for 19 years. For me it is one day at a time to rebuild our life, my heart and my boys. Yesterday was a good day and we will take that. What tomorrow brings only GOD knows and I know it has to be better then what we have been through because nothing could ever hurt like that again or shatter me to that point. Tomorrow I may not be as trusting in GOD but it is a day to day process. I will continue to fall apart one day and pick up the pieces the next. As long as we pick them back up and continue going that is the hard part.
We have a soccer tournament this weekend, I'll try to post some pictures, the boys are excited for their first travel tournament.

Thursday, May 10, 2012 Life...

Life is the sum of experiences that we encounter as we go through life.

Day to day struggles and triumphs are experienced by all of the world's creatures.

As human beings, when we encounter a challenge, we have freedom to choose how to react.

Every decision that we make leads us down a different road.

We will never come to exactly the same crossroads.

Every decision that we make has significance.

The tiniest choice that we make reverberates throughout the entire universe.

Make every decision carefully, but sometimes you need ot follow your heart and not

the fear you have inside. As we all know life is too short so let the people in your life know you care

and try to live each day to the fullest!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012 Refocus on ME...
Started a new book yesterday that I am hoping to get a lot out of, so we will see, figure it will give me something to do when I am not sleeping.
Just really trying to refocus these days, been pulling myself in so many different directions that I think I need to stop and refocus on ME for a bit before I sink too much. It's all part of this wonderful new life of mine, trying not to lose myself in all the other stuff in life. Yesterday was a good day, smiled a lot and felt good. Helped to visit with a dear friend last night and just talk about all our crazy stuff going on right now. It is so good to have good friends that you can share anything and they just listen and don't try to tell you what to do but just listen and care. Sometimes that's all we need.
It has been a little overwhelming with all I have to do at the house, even the little things can get to you when you have to get it all done on your own. Even know everyone tries to help out I like to try and manage a lot on my own but I know my limits and I know there is too much to do for just me right now. Lonny was telling Kim and me the other day that he has two wives to tell him what to do because his To Do List is as long at my house as it is at his, but I am getting pretty good at a lot these days. Derek is so laughing and shaking his heade at all that I have Lonny doing and all that I try to manage on my own. Lonny does a good job getting it all worked in and helping me out, it's nice to have him stop by the house when I know he has worked all day but just wants to help or see the boys. The boys do wonderful at helping out too but of course they can only do so much.
Someone asked me the other day why I do this blog, is it for me, family or everyone else. I told him I started it for everyone else just to keep them updated but now it is more for both, everyone and me. I have had a number of people tell me to keep writing so I try. I hope that I can use this to heal and to look back on. I figure between this and my journal that is more personal that it can't hurt.
Here's to the rest of the week, lunch with friend's the next couple days, a much needed dinner Thursday and a wonderful weekend of soccer with two handsome boys that mean the world to me.

Sunday, May 6, 2012 Life without Daddy...

Really struggling with making myself post tonight, not in the mood to share and got so much in my head tonight. It would be a good night to sit on the back porch with a glass of wine and a listening ear, but would I even share at that point especially some of the things I keep to myself.
I ache for my boys so much, I wish I could make this all better for them and I can't. I can only keep loving them and putting wonderful people in their life to share those special times that dad should be there for. Just this weekend a wonderful friend asked to take them to a movie and I decided to tag along and at one point I looked down and they were both laughing so hard, it felt so good to see that laugh, that good hard laugh. Then as we walk out Garret looks up and says "Dad would have liked that movie" and he is so right. They had a good day and they laughed and smiled thanks to the friends that are in our life but they always have daddy close to their heart and missing him. I know all I can do is to continue to try and give them those days. They really lost the most in this entire thing, they had an amazing father who made them his world and they never should have had to say goodbye. I can't imagine the hurt they feel but they are amazing boys and I will do my best to make their life the best I can. They do pretty good but even on the weekends like this in which they had a good one, Garret still started crying at bedtime that he missed daddy, it rips my heart out every time. Derek if you are really up there please take care of our boys and give them the peace they need that only you can give them and I will continue to put good people in their life to help them and love them.

Saturday, May 5, 2012 Trust...

Trust is a huge word these days. Trust in GOD, trust in family, trust in friends, trust in myself, trust that everything will be okay one day and that someone is in control of my life. Trust is a hard one for me the past 10 months, not that I ever gave it up easy anyway but now it is a struggle like everything.
I keep thinking I just need to trust in GOD and pray he knows what my life is doing but that is hard when Derek and I trusted him to live our lives and praise him. How could losing my husband be part of me ever having a good life. I have stopped asking the Why and What if but I will never understand why GOD thought this life was better without Derek, he was an amazing man that anyone who knew him would tell you. I know GOD didn't cause the accident but he could have protected Derek. So yes it is hard to trust in GOD to lead me in my life and I hate to even admit that.
I know that I have to try and trust in GOD and people in my life again but it will always be a struggle.
I'm tired and everyday is like climbing a hill that never ends. It was a good weekend and right now I have to take it at that, take the good with the bad. I enjoyed some wonderful friends the past two days and it helps me know that we will be okay just will take some time and trust. And it helps to know people care.

Friday, May 3, 2012 Oaks Day...
Well I'm headed to the track today for the Oaks, Derek and I decided last year we were going this year no matter what. We did the Derby two years ago but had not been to the Oaks together. So this year I am going but as it gets closer not looking forward to it. Thank goodness I will have good friends with me to get my mind off of everything and have a good time. Won't be the same without him as is everything these days. I am praying for a good weekend with friends, family & my boys. I hope to be able to settle some things I have been tossing around in my head this weekend, including my house projects, so I can get back on track. I like 'Believe You Can' for the Oaks Horse (picture above) for many reasons especially the name. Well here's to a good day with friends, ready or not.

Thursday, May 3, 2012 Dreams & Friends...
Long sleepless night, surprise, think I am starting to get use to not sleeping much after 10 months. In the 2 hours I did sleep last night I had a dream, I don't really remember much but a very detailed part, I remember that both boys were very upset about something and in their room (they were younger) and I was standing in the hallway and walked towards the phone and said do you want to talk to dad? And right before I actually touched the phone, I remembered we couldn't talk to dad anymore that he was gone, then I woke up. Wow it hurt just as bad in my dream as it does in real life. But Today is a new day and as a friend tells me, I will put on my boots, tie them up tight and keep going. The sun will come up on a new day.
Really having a hard time the past couple weeks with what to do for a couple friends. I have three friends that are really going through a rough time and completely shutting down on me. I have really pushed and tried to be there for them but not really working. I guess for me just sitting back and not trying to help hurts more then the fact that they aren't letting me in. I know first hand how life can really beat you up and I did a good job of putting up walls and pushing people away but I had amazing friends that didn't go for that and pushed until I let go. Some days it took a while but I am here today because of those friends. I want to be there for my friends, that is what friendship is about, no matter what I have to deal with I still can listen and care about their problems. I know they don't feel like I need more on my plate but it's not more, it helps me to be there for my friends like they were for me. I know how it is to shut down and not let people in but I also know that it is a lot easier with friends.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012 10 Months.......
This is the last picture I have of Derek the night before, for Ethan's birthday, 10 months and 1 day ago...Still can't believe how long it has been and how bad it still hurts to wake up in the morning. It's that one second before I completely wake up that you still think it was all a bad dream but it doesn't last long before you know that is just not true. The flash backs went away for a little while but have came back lately, I guess they remind me that life changed without our control and you should let people know you love them today because you never know what tomorrow brings. Thank God Derek and I understood that and never let a day go by to say "I Love You" or "I'm Sorry", even that day in Bardstown as he put my helmet on to make sure I was safe, he kissed me and said "I Love You". For me that is a hard one these days due to the walls I put up but I also know that the people that really love me and want to be in my life will always be there to knock the walls down no matter what, that is what love, family and friendship are all about. So please tell the people in your life that you care today!!!
All I can say is that we are learning to live again even during the rough times. It has been a rough journey and it will continue to be but we will continue to move forward. I have learned so much the past 10 months about people and even about myself these days. It is amazing the family and friends that have stuck by me no matter what, old and new. It's been a rough couple weeks but I am getting refocused and trying to learn to breathe. It is tricky because everytime I think I can breathe something hits me by surprise but I will handle it and be okay, one day at a time! Love you all very much!

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone young or old a like and today

may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight...

so, if your waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

for if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, tell them how much you love them,

and that you'll always hold them dear...

Take time to say "I'm sorry", "Please forgive me", "Thank you", "It's ok" or "I Love You"

and if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.