Restless night but different then others, won't call it one of my worst but just different. Had a good day yesterday and started really feeling like we are really getting some peace and picking up the pieces. 14 years ago, heck 10 to 14 months ago if you would have told me I would be here, I could have never imagined. I don't think anyone could have imagined or would want to or know until your in these shoes. It is a life I don't wish on anyone but along the way I am learning, praying and trying to trust in GOD, Derek, family & friends to live again and be strong for everyone including myself. I would never trade the past 19 years that I had knowing Derek and our life together, even know it ended in such a painful way & way too soon, we had forever and I had my soul mate for an amazing 19 years. He is a part of me and my boys, he took a piece of me with him but he is helping me heal the rest. We could all learn from Derek, he loved life, loved family & friends, and loved GOD. I think GOD put things in our life and let some things happen the year before the accident that never meant anything until now when I look back. This includes people, things and even conversation Derek and I had, GOD was working in our life and with Derek. Derek told me in Waffle house one night that GOD was wanting him to do more, never thought much about it till the accident. Two weeks before the accident Derek asked me to start praying with him at night, thank you Dr T For being an amazing person in our lives, an amazing best friend to Derek when he needed it most & continuing to be a major part in the boys and my life, you give me a comfort I can never describe in words. GOD put people in our life and in Derek's life, I have to trust that it was all for a reason. And now after more then 10 months I think GOD & Derek are still putting people in our life to help us and guide us in picking up the pieces to our new life, in which Derek will always be a part of forever.
I had lunch and dinner with two people in my life that I think will be a huge part of all that. Everyone is going through their own struggles, and being challenged and making us all question why, is GOD in control but in the end it is faith and you have to believe, what other choice do we have, I don't like the other option which is nobody is in control, because I know I'm not or I wouldn't be sitting here. I have to believe that GOD & Derek know what I need & my boys need to find peace and healing, they will put people in our life, old friends and new that will help us along this journey. We will pick up the pieces, probably drop a few more then once but in the end not feel so shattered. It is a scary journey, and I fight it everyday but nobody promised it would be easy. I would rather live shattered then to not have had Derek in my life for 19 years. For me it is one day at a time to rebuild our life, my heart and my boys. Yesterday was a good day and we will take that. What tomorrow brings only GOD knows and I know it has to be better then what we have been through because nothing could ever hurt like that again or shatter me to that point. Tomorrow I may not be as trusting in GOD but it is a day to day process. I will continue to fall apart one day and pick up the pieces the next. As long as we pick them back up and continue going that is the hard part.
We have a soccer tournament this weekend, I'll try to post some pictures, the boys are excited for their first travel tournament.
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