Thursday, February 28, 2013 Road Trip...

We are so ready for a road trip!!! Boys, Maddie and I are headed out to Milwaukee today to visit family. Can't wait to get away and relax, it's always nice to have some time with my boys and get away from all the stress of home. Steph has planned a fun filled weekend for the kiddos and our visit. Looking forward to it and much needed to escape for a little while. So many memories on our trips to Milwaukee and it is very different driving it on my own but having Maddie to keep me company always helps. Pray for our safe travels and everyone enjoy your weekend. Remember life is short, tell the people you love that you love them, hug and kiss your babies and enjoy every moment of this life, you only get one!!!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013 True Feeling that aren't spoken...

True feeling are something else, all those things we keep to ourselves. We cry enough, we can't change it and there really isn't any other choice in this life of being a widow but to LIVE. A world where everything feels like a glass put in a bag and beat against a brick wall and then dumped out and you are suppose to get a million pieces and put them all back together in the right order. The problem is there will be no right order because the main piece, Derek is missing so nothing will ever be the same and the while you are picking up the glass you will get cut, hurt and bleed emotionally, physically and mentally. Life is NEVER the same or NORMAL again but it can be good and a new NORMAL with a lot of work and a lot of determination. Just have to get to a point that you know the glass will never be the same but that it can still be a beautiful thing because of what you had with that person. What other choice do we have.
I started thinking a lot last night while texting with another widower friend of mine, he is struggling a lot right now so it brings a lot of these feelings up, I've been there done that, thank goodness we all balance each other out when we are struggling because there are some things we can say to each other that nobody else would ever understand or think we are crazy like... (and these are the mild things)

• I feel cheated. Derek and I didn't have enough time together.  We still had things to do and places to see
• I'm jealous. I envy happy couples.  Especially older couples getting to share their senior years together.
• I want my life back. This is a big one because no matter how far you go there is that want that something was taken away. I miss my old life
• I miss my relationships that change
• I feel empty.....and then full of anger.
• I feel LONELY like nothing you can imagine.
• My Boys were cheated and their father was taken from them way too soon.
• Derek was cheated because he doesn't get to be with his boys as they grow up and that is the one thing he wanted the most in life, to give them an amazing father. Shoot ball, wrestle, play and run around with their father.
• I'm still shocked. I still can close my eyes or picture Derek as he was and it doesn't seem possible that it is gone forever. The energy and life he had. HOW???
• I still hurt and cry when I think of the loss we all have had to face without Derek and the things he will miss. HOW is it possible???
• I feel blessed that I had an amazing man in my life for 19 years who gave me the best years of his life and two amazing little boys
• I cry happy tears when I think of the silly things he use to do.
• I laugh at the thought of some things he would shake his head at (like kids eating in the new car) and pick on me about.

HOW? WHY? WHAT IF? All the things that will eat you alive in this world but you have to let go and know God has control from here. That is the hard part but I know he is working in my life so I have to trust.
Nobody can ever understand what this life is like until you have been here and I pray to God that nobody ever does. I have made some amazing friendships during this new life of mine. I hate the reason we have met but some days they are the only ones that can give you a reason to keep fighting and trying.
We have more good moments then bad these days and I know we will be okay but it is a roller coaster that never ends. It is the tears that come at the weirdest times or the moments it stabs you in the gut with reality. Some days I don't know how we all do it being single parents 24/7 but we do, we do it to see a smile on our kids face and the good feeling it gives us to complete a day and know we did our best. But we never do it alone, it is the friends that still check on us, the family that still helps us by getting kids to game and events, to knowing that God is helping us even when he is silence. We do it because we were given this life to live and we are determined to make the best of it!!!

Monday, February 25, 2013 Prayer...

Please say a prayer for my sweet little niece Peyton as she has her first surgery for her back. I know Derek is watching over her but we hate to see her have to go through any of these surgeries.
We got to spend some time with her last night and these kids amaze me, they handle things better then we do most times. She is an amazing strong little girl and I can't believe how she has grown. Her Uncle D would be very proud!!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013 Understanding...

Loosing the one person that matter's most, your best friend, soul mate and the one that knows you better then anyone else on this earth, every secret, every scar, every pain and joy that you have had in your life is painful.
I sit and look at Derek's picture and wonder why he couldn't be a part of my future, we had plans and life seemed so good and then it was gone in a blink of an eye. I hold back the tears a lot of times but sometimes they stream down my face without control. Asking God why he took Derek from the boys and my life. The pain is undescribable for anyone to understand. I still need him here, he always made everything so clear when I couldn't figure it out. He was apart of me, and a piece of m,e died with him that day that I will never get back. I never knew how hard it was to loose someone you love until the day Derek went to heaven. I mean I had lost grandparents and I knew others that lost family members but never someone so close and a part of me. It does something to you that I can't even explain. Even though I can't see him, I know Derek is watching over us. We miss him everyday and cherish the memories that we have. We just pray and trust God that life will be good until we see him again.
I have came to the reality that there are a lot of things in this world that we will never understand no matter how much we want to. I see friends struggle, kids struggle and life be so hard on people. I always say that someone else always has it worse off then I do so try to stay strong but I know that is hard when we get knocked down. But you have to be on your knees and just pray for peace because you will never be able to understand. I wish I had the answers to a lot of things these days but I don't and staying stuck in asking those questions will do just that, keep you stuck. You have to realize that there are some things we will never know until we stand in front of God and get to ask. I tease that Derek is still asking his list of questions, I can see him now standing there with that look on his face when he is really serious and taking it all in.

 

 

Monday, February 18, 2013 Happiness...

What is happiness...
Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy is what Wikipedia says.
Depending on the translation, the Bible uses the words “happy” and “happiness” about 30 times, while “joy” and “rejoice” appear over 300 times.
Happiness is part of the journey, you can't chase it down, you have to let it come into your life.
Happiness has a complete different meaning to everyone I think and I know for me it is different then it was 19 months ago. I want to be happy but as many in my situation know that is not an easy thing to come by, it has an entirely different meaning. Part of us are just scared to be too happy, so scared that it could so easily be taken away again in a blink of an eye but then the other part just craves it because you have hurt for so long that you want it feel something or anything again besides that raw empty pain. But we do embrace life in a entirely different way now, we will always hurt deeper, love stronger and hold tighter to everything around us that makes us stronger.
I feel happiness these days and it feels good but it is scary. I struggle with being happy without Derek here, doesn't seem fair at all but it is the way he would want it to be. He would want us all to live life to the fullest, smile, laugh and love as he did in this world that he was taken from too early. We are finding our way in this world and it brings us peace and happiness.
I had an early breakfast at Waffle House this morning for the first time since being in there in a long time. That was Derek and my little place, we would take the boys there at least two Saturday's a month and they would go pick out songs on the Jude box while we sat and talked. Then during the week we met there at least twice a month alone to have our time before heading to work, just some time the two of us. That was where Derek and Todd would meet, sit and talk about all the things they shared. The last time Derek and I were there for a late night after being out partying we sat in a small booth and he told me that he felt like God was calling him to do something more. We sat and talked about a lot of things that night, most that I will cherish the rest of my life. I can still close my eyes and see the exact booth, the look on his face and clothes he was wearing. I breathe in and I can't believe that man, that amazing personality, smile and laugh is just gone. But I sat there this morning and I know that instead of being afraid of those memories and feelings that I want to cherish them. It was good sitting there, made me smile as I thought about it and I felt peace sitting and talking this morning with an amazing friend as I talked about the memories I had there. I know I will see him again one day and I know he is smiling down on me and he has shown me a lot of things in the past couple months. I have felt him in my life, God is also working in my life daily and I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without either of those things. As much as I have ran from God, I know that I would not be where I am without him by my side, as much as I turned my back on him and still fight anger with him, he never left my side and neither did Derek. Derek told me that in a dream last week, he told me he would never leave me and that is was all going to be okay. The hard reality of waking up out of that dream was rough but I believe he is trying to give me some peace. He will never leave me, he will always be a part of me and a part of me will always belong to him. I see him in his two boys every day as they grow, change and are amazing little men who love life just like their daddy. And I plan on making their life az amazing as I can and that is what they deserve!!!