Friday, November 30, 2012 In my Dreams...

You were in my dream last night, just you and me, it is always so bittersweet, doesn't happen very often at all but when it does it still takes my breath to wake up and realize it was just a dream and that your really still gone. I even rolled over to tell you hold me but you weren't there like you were in my dream. When I woke in my dream you were wiping my tears away. I want to tell you so much about how amazing our boys are doing and what amazing individuals they are becoming. I still struggle in my faith but I know that I'm not doing it alone, there are days I get tired and feel like giving up but then I get a little push from God and you to not stop, not a choice. We are doing good babe, not saying every moment is great and that we don't have our moments but we are living because we know that is what you would want. This world will never be the same without you but it is a better place because of you. But it is a new day!!! We love and miss you so much!!!

“Holidays are time spent with loved ones” this was imprinted on our psyche from a young age. Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. They bring meaning to certain days and we bring much meaning back to them. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, it is a difficult time for the ones that have lost a loved one. For many of us, this is the hardest part of grieving, when we miss our loved ones even more than usual at the holidays. It was always such an excited time of year while we were growing up and we continued that tradition in our house with our boys. Ethan loves Christmas so much, his favorite time of the year, I think it has to do with the presents but I love to see his smile when he talks about it. This year will be our second Christmas without Derek here. Some people tell me the second year is harder but I really don't know, I don't know if any day, month or year is harder or easier to a degree. I think you learn ways to heal and ways to live to where you have the good and bad moments. I think time makes it easier but it never takes it away. Our days, weeks, months, years and especially holidays will never pass without a thought of what we miss and what we have lost. But we are learning to smile a true smile and laugh a true laugh and learn to heal as we do it. It is a choice like anything else in this life, we choose to live, this accident took too much from us and we won't let it take more. There is no going back, there is no changing it and there is no giving up. It is a roller coaster full of ups and downs, I had a bad couple weeks and I felt completely lost and empty but I have gotten to the other side of that, it will come back again could be a week, a month or whenever because grief doesn't understand time. The most important part is that you continue to move through it and heal. I now get stronger every time I get past one of those times. And I try not to worry about the next time it will hit me.

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Monday, November 19, 2012 Memories...

I'm sitting in the basement watching the boys play football on the XBox360. Don't spend much time down here, last year I couldn't walk down the stairs at this time and since then I'm just trying to find the comfort zone for down here like I have the rest of the house. As I sit here so much hits me. Ethan sits and holds the remote just like his dad, on the end the couch with his elbow on his knees while holding the remote. It amazes me the little things they do like Derek without even realizing they do. I look at the couch where Derek and I sat so many times and played keep away with the boys with the football, we use to laugh at them so much playing that game. I look over and see the picture of Derek and Garret when he was 6 months, Derek went and got their picture taken for my first Mother's Day, I love that picture. I remember all the Christmas mornings we spent down here, we would stay up the night before wrapping gifts down here which Derek hated but still helped over a glass of wine, it would always end up to be one of our favorite nights as we made sure Christmas was extra special for our boys. He would always put the video camera up every Christmas and video that morning, still haven't been able to watch those videos yet. In time I will. Just looking at the walls that just the two of us spent many days and nights down here painting so we didn't have to pay someone to do it. Every time we finished a wall or part of the ceiling one of us would say never again. It was a huge project. But before that we spent a week insulating the walls and ceilings and that was funny to say the least. A lot of work down here but all of memories. It's still hard to believe all we have is memories. I mean I have memories of other things in my life but this part I didn't get a choice in, it is overwhelming what we have lost. But I will cherish my memories for that is what I have and I will cherish our two boys for everything they are, a mix of their daddy and me.

Sunday, November 18, 2012 Who I Am...

I continue down this road of finding out who I am without Derek, it is full of ups and downs, full of pain from all angles, I get tired and I still want to give up some days but its not an option. So I keep going and see what each day brings. This week will be a bumpy one I am sure, short week for boys at school and for me at work but Wednesday 21st would be Derek and my 14th wedding anniversary, then our second Thanksgiving without him, then Friday will be Garret second Birthday without his daddy and he turns 11 years old. He amazes me everyday with his strength and what an amazing individual he is, Derek would be so proud of both his boys. So I will keep my head up high and start this week and stay strong. Only option!!!

Moments and life passes by without Derek here, some days I feel myself sinking some and struggle with it all. Just as I feel like giving in to that sinking feeling I remember Derek’s smile and remember what he would expect of me. This life of being a widow is not easy but I will not lean on that or let it define me, I don’t expect anyone to understand it or treat me different, but please be careful to respect it and not try to even think you know what it is like because until you are here you will never know and I hope nobody ever does. I try to get to where life is okay and good but some days it seems far away especially when I get knocked backwards with things. Every time I get knocked back it brings the numb and lost feeling bad stronger and takes a little longer to get past it but I eventually do. But I keep getting up and continue to push forward to what end I don’t know and I will never know till I get there.

The holidays are coming up and that makes all three of us a little off with everything.  Holidays are normally a time for family fun and celebration but when you grieve the loss of someone the season is different and there is this pain that will never go away. Yes we will enjoy the holidays, smile and laugh but it is that pain that someone is missing, it doesn’t get better as years pass and I would hope nobody would expect it to be. Grieving as I have learned is a long process of healing that I believe I will continue to do through the rest of my life. Some people I don’t think understand that, like it is time to get over it or as the years go on that it just gets easier and better. As people go on with their lives they think about it less but in our world it is still very raw and fresh daily, yes it gets easier and we remember the good more and more.  No matter how your life goes you never just get over losing someone like we did. And anyone who knew Derek will understand that because they will feel the same way.

All I can say is pray for us and for anyone else that you know that has lost a loved one, unfortunately I know too many now that will spend their first, second or more years without their loved one there. So please remember they are vulnerable during these times even more, so hug them or be kind with your words don’t try to think you understand just be a friend. My heart goes out to all the widows that this will be your first holidays without your husband, keep your head up and stay strong, even when you don’t feel like you can.

Sunday, November 11, 2012 Strength...

I'm tired these days in more ways then one. Life just keeps rushing by and doesn't slow down to let us get our breath. Maybe that is a good thing, slowing down may be even harder. I can't believe it is November, which means my second anniversary without Derek, Garret's second birthday without his dad, and our second Thanksgiving without Derek. Doesn't even seem possible some days.
We are doing pretty good most days, boys have found their laugh and smiles again and are enjoying life. They still miss their daddy every day but it doesn't seem to totally consume them as much. They let theirselves be kids and have fun, I love to see it. But at the same time it is a reality of how it is going to be. They still bring their daddy up, probably not as much as they use to but it is still talked about daily in our house. I guess as we go on and make more new memories and live, they will start talking about all the new memories and not as much the old ones. I still make it a point to sit and talk to them about the old. I don't want them to forget anything but I never want them to feel guilty for living and making new memories. Their daddy will always be a part of them and in their heart. He would be so proud of the and how they have grown. Ethan is a true little turkey, a big mix of Derek's personality and mine. He has his daddy's little silly things and my hard head and will to not back down. Garret is also a mix of us but in different ways. He is an amazing little man, he is determined to take care of anything that comes up, he is becoming an amazing individual who is determined to do anything he puts his mind to and teach himself anything his daddy is not here to show him. They are amazing little boys who make me smile every day even on the hard ones.
As far as mom goes, well I'm doing what I have to, taking care of all three of us. Been a little bumpy lately with things but still pushing forward. My brain is on overload and my heart hurts every day but I continue to keep going and trying to figure out what my life is supposed to be. Which is not easy, hard to know what your life looks like and have it ripped out from under you. Now I have no idea what it will look like tomorrow, next month or next year guess I never really did know. I use to not care and live for the day, and that is what I'm working to get back to. Live for today, can't live in the past because it will not change and can't live in the future because its not here yet. Cherish each day and what you have. I'm reading a book that is trying to teach me to do this more but it is still a struggle. I learn new things about myself every day. I also learn new things about people and life everyday, sometimes you want to believe in people so much that it isn't possible. Some people in this world just struggle with happiness and living for today and I still do but I refuse to let it control me, I will keep going and be okay. Today is all we are guaranteed and we should try and cherish it, don't let the past or what might happen or not happen in the future control today.
It is weird to sit back and watch everyone get on with their life, nothing wrong with it because that is what we have to do but its just weird.

Thursday, November 1, 2012 Here again...

A little bumpy week and day, so here I am again writing to get it out of my head. It amazes me that I can be going forward and doing okay, but then it gets a little bumpy and its hard to get control and step back. We had parent teacher conference tonight and the boys got such amazing reports, Derek would be so proud but yet he wasn't there like every time before and I can't even call and tell him about it, it is weird the little things like that hit me the hardest. Ethan's was good and smooth, then we get to Garret's and they are talking about all the amazing things he is doing so good at that he has struggled with, I fault the tears but it broke my heart that his daddy's wasn't there to hear it. How can that be, our boys should have that and I can't fix it for them. I think I told them a dozen times tonight how proud of them I was, they are so amazing with everything they deal with. So I told them again when I tucked them in tonight and then I cried it out. None of this will ever make sense and I will always never understand why my boys and all of us had to lose so much but I will cry it out and get up tomorrow even stronger and keep moving forward. Only choice we get! My boys are learning to truly live even know they have lost and it helps me live and know that we are okay.