July 9, 2014 New kind of happiness...

Oh if only this life was easy or if I understood it at all. Easy is not a word I know anymore that is for sure. People say your happy, funny if they ever knew what happy was in this life. Its learning a new happy and I new way to live knowing that everything you thought you knew was a no more. You can find happy but its a new kind of happy with all kinds of depths and valleys, laughs, smiles, tears and anger. Its isn't just walking away from the past because the past has changed you forever. You never move on you just learn to move forward and give your self a second chance. 

Wednesday, July 2, 2014 - 3 Years Just a Date...

It’s a date on the calendar that marks 3 years since our world was shattered; guess I have a lot of mixed feeling about this day. For us closest today is just that, it marks a date, we don’t miss him anymore today than we did yesterday or last year or three years ago. For us closest it is a daily struggle of how to make a new life without Derek, how to help our boys grow and have peace in their life. It is a lot to think that it has been three years, in ways that is a long time and seems like a long time but in a way it doesn’t seem so long. Time does help in some ways and in ways time makes other things harder. But in this life and world you have choices, we continue to move forward, grow, heal, learn, and grief as we find a little more peace as we go along.

Some days I don’t even know what that means but I have learned that I don’t let myself go some places too deep because in those places we can’t fix what is missing and we can’t change it. God has blessed me in many ways and I as clear as it was that day laying on the ground, I fight to make a life for our boys where they can smile, laugh and know that there is a place where they will see their daddy again one day but until then he will watch over us and be proud of everything we push ourselves to do. It’s not always easy and with a lot of it still comes tears and anger but we fight past it.

We miss him so much every day not just today and we fight everyday with the littlest and biggest things that we have to do and decide without him by our side. But we do it and we try not to let the pain hurt too deep or let the loss take more from us than it already has.