Thursday, November 21, 2013 15 Years

15th Anniversary, never thought the place where we got married 15 years later would be where I would visit your grave. It is still unbelievable to me. We never knew then that along with some of the most wonderful times in our life that next 15 years would also come the most unbearable pain we ever would know. We miss your amazing personality, laugh and smile everyday.

Thursday, October 31, 2013 Understanding...

None of this comes with an instruction manual. We are not given one when we come into this world and we are not given one when we lose someone and they leave us way too early. We are never prepared to say Goodbye and its even worst when you don't get to physically ever say that goodbye. My faith can provide comfort but the everyday reality of life without Derek can only be lived a day and moment at a time. Not looking too far ahead and not looking back. 

There are not just first the first year, there are first the rest of your life. Nothing can prepare us to continue our lives without someone that we are that connected to. So we take torturous steps one after the other, slowly, painfully and we try to make a life without the one we thought we could never live without. 

We all grieve in different ways, at different speeds and on different journeys. People look for closure, but closure is a strange word. We don't close the door on our life with our loved ones. We can't just put them in the past and walk away. Doesn't work like that. But we do learn to adapt to this new version of our lives. Where we must find a way to go on without their physical presence with us. It is a challenge but with healing, time and prayer we find some peace, joy and even love in what remains of our time here on earth. We find ourselves smiling, laughing and enjoying the memories we have. 

It is a journey that is so full of so many emotions and pain. It never goes away completely, you don't just move on but you learn with time to live and go on. It's a choice that you make for the people in your life and for yourself. As the years go on it is always close to your heart everyday and still hurts. It changes everything in your life and the way you look at every single thing in that life. And as times goes on it is a struggle to think people will forget but they never do, they do go on and live their life but it always is close to their heart. 

Life is a gift and it comes with the price of feeling everything. Joy, pain, passion, agony. And without that darkness we probably would never recognize the light. We have to seize that gift of life while it is ours to live. Take in the entire experience and don't take anything for granted.