Tuesday, March 26, 2013 Blessings...

Been a hard few days with sick kids and other things hitting, and I normally would want to crawl into my little ball and disappear but I know that isn't the answer. I'm figuring it out as I go with little signs that life is going to be okay again, not the same, never the same but different. And in my world Different can really be a good and wonderful thing, a place where we can hope, have dreams, smile, laugh and breathe.
In my youngest Ethan's words, we are okay, we will never be okay with what happen and that Derek is not here but we are okay with where we are.
We can't change what happen or bring Derek back so we live!!! Good and Bad we take it and keep going. We will miss him every day and always think of him. He is a part of us forever and that is why we got this far.
I started the day completely overwhelmed and in tears driving home from work to another sick kiddo after already missing two days of work. I'm trying to figure out how to get all my work done, not make work mad, take care of my babies, take care of a best friend who lost her wonderful father and get to her and then have a conference call about Garret's progress at school and middle school. I was about to explode and I just had a long talk with God and said I can't do this alone, I feel alone a lot but I know even know I turned my back on God that he is still here. I then walked in the door to both  kids sick and my amazing mom who once again came to my rescue. To tell me that whatever I need her to do she is there no matter what it is. Then I got on the phone to a dear friend to tell me it's all going to be okay. As the day went on I got a lot of work done from home, I also cleaned everything with bleach and Lysol to get rid of these nasty germs. I even got a wonderful call from my daddy to check on us and know it is a blessing that I still have him.
Then I was unloading the dish washer and for the first time in 21 months I realized I cooked 4 times last week and that all my plates were in the dish washer. I remember telling a friend that I didn't think I would ever want to cook again. Just a little sign that no matter what, God has me and has a plan for me. That is hard to see most days when we get caught up in all the worries and problems of the every day. Or feeling overwhelmed by all the things I have to get done. It is a lot and it is very overwhelming most days but I just need to stop and breathe some. Realize that it is okay, take one thing at a time and handle it.
I remember when I first met another Widow friend of mine at Derek's Funeral and later when she visited in the hospital with another of her widow friends. I was like how in the heck can they be so into God and okay with him after what we have lost. I didn't understand it and I thought it was crazy. But I am starting to get it, when you hit rock bottom, well you find your faith the only thing to hold onto. Took me a while to get it and I am still learning daily. But as that same dear friend told me back then and I didn't exactly get yet, this is the closest walk you will have with God and your faith. I'm starting to understand that now. Because I've tried to do it my way and yet he has waited patiently until I was ready for help. I'm not there yet but I'm on my way. I know that I have a number of friends that don't really believe that same thing I do and we have had those talks a lot since the accident and they have always been very respectfully to my faith and I only hope they can understand even more after seeing my journey. And there is yet more to come on this journey.
We have blessings every day and sometimes get to busy in life to see them, or to caught up in our grief to see or want to see. I've learned you tell the people I love that I love them, hug my babies every day and thank God every day even if I don't see the blessings he gives daily.

Sunday, March 24, 2013 Other Side...

Do you remember what it's like to be stuck in a traffic jam? Minutes drag on like hours. Your car creeps at a snail's pace. Other drivers vent their frustration by trying to sneak past on shoulder. Truckers linger back, creating huge gaps in the traffic. If only you could get around them! If only you could get to the other side of the mess. And you finally do. You move past the roadblock and spring down the highway free of obstructions, rapidly leaving the frustration behind. You've gotten to the other side. Grief has another side. Every ending contains within itself the seeds of a new beginning. You have to play a active role in your grief. You can't just park along the shoulder and expect the traffic to disappear. If you want healing to happen, you must take charge and consciously begin to build a new life.

Friday, March 15, 2013 This New Life...

The fiery widowed road is beyond the understanding of anyone who has not been forced to tread its path of pain and sorrow. In the early parts of this journey, there are days that death seems preferable to continuing to arise and face another day. You welcome getting to sleep at night so you don't have to think or remember what you've lost and you hate waking in the morning to a new day without the person you've lost.
But slowly oh so slowly - we heal and slowly we create a new life. In my early days and months of this world it was inconceivable that life could EVER be joyful again. But slowly and oh so slowly, we put one foot in front of the other on the devastating widowed road. There comes a day we first smile and immediately fell guilty "he is dead" what is wrong with me??? But as time goes by you welcome the smiles and the memories of what you had and it warms your heart. There were days that I felt I could face life with some optimism and ten minutes later we fall into a deep. black hole of tears and hopelessness. But then somehow we manage to dig ourselves out of the ravages over and over to face another day.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, the beat goes on somehow.
This journey brings many lessons, real lessons, not words and they have become the values that I guide my life. I will love stronger, hurt deeper and never take anything for granted and I will appreciate every breath, every step and every smile.
Love is all that matters
We have nothing but this moment in which we stand, cherish it
Material things are not what is important
Take NO person for granted
NEVER leave those you love in anger
Know that you are not alone, GOD is there even when he is silence
A person can withstand more pain than one ever imagined
TRUE Friends stand with you - NO matter what!!!
Kindness and Time are the greatest gifts we can give.
This is my journey and my life, and I will live it with my boys and make the best of it. I wake up to face the day and look forward to the life I have to live. I still hurt, I still cry and I still miss Derek to depth that are beyond words. But with that I will live a stronger life because of him.
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace that I never thought I could have. And it felt good! While driving into work I got to watch the sun rise and as most of you know that is always Derek saying good morning to me. He was shiny on me this morning to tell me it is going to be okay. Even past the pain, the loneliness, and the fears it will be okay until I see him again. I could feel the warmth on my face as I drove and for the first time in a long time I felt a peace I can't describe and I will take it because I know that the grief monster will have days when he stabs me in the gut but I will take each day as it comes.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013 Scribble...

Been a weird week I will say, my brain in like a scribble picture it's going in so many directions...
Just this morning while thinking about things I got teary eyed. I was telling a friend that I never use to really worry about things, at least major things because I had the man I loved and two amazing children and I just knew that we could handle anything that was put our way together. I never imagined that we wouldn't be together or that we would lose what we did. Even sitting here typing this is doesn't seem possible when I think back. I mean we knew bad things happened, we saw it on the news, we had a few little things happen close to us. I use to say that our families had been lucky, even with dad's accident, Rhonda's Cancer and the little stuff our family was lucky. Who could have imagined that it could shatter in a second, not me!!! But it did and I still can't believe it most days and I can't believe when I look back that we are where we are, it is a different world, with different feelings, events and future. Different dreams and different worries and pains, physically and emotionally. But it is our life and we will live it with the help of family, friends and God.
Been very overwhelmed lately and I know that I have to refocus, I hit this point every once in a while. I think there is no way to not get there when you are in this situation. Not only is it the grief and healing you have to go through every day, it's the day in and day out of making sure that our two boys have the best life they can. It is a lot and it is all on me, I mean I have friends and family that call all the time and ask to help and do things, and I take them up on it when I can because I know that I need to but at the end of the day when I lay my head down at night, I know that it is all up to me, nobody else. I am these two boys world and life. Yes we have so many wonderful people in our life but we lean on each other and make each other stronger. I couldn't do it without the wonderful people in my life, from neighbors helping with sports and practices, neighbors fixing busted pipes, mom running the boys to the doctor or picking them up on a night that she knows I need just an hour to breathe, she will go two hours out of her way to give me one hour to breathe or to do the grocery in peace, she amazes me. It amazes me the people that aren't even real family that still step up in our life because they know we have a lot to do and I have a lot to deal with and they just want to help and know that is what they can do for Derek now. From fixing things at the house, to helping open and close the pool. It's all the little things that help me keep it together. I need to stop and appreciate that more I know.
I know I am all over the board on my writing today, but that is how my mind has been lately. I have so much bouncing around in there that it is crazy. Good, bad and busy things. Don't know how you ever slow it down. But I've learned that you take one thing at a time and you take a breath!!! And that is how I started my morning today and it is going better.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013 Derek's Desk...

I was in Elizabethtown today for the first time in 2-3 months and it is always a little different everytime I walk into that place. It is easier then it was the first time but everytime I know that I will have memories and I will see his handwriting at some point. I guess the hard part now when I am there is that I don't see his handwriting as much because time has past and new people are there, his handwriting isn't as commmon to come across like it was when I first started this job. It still happens from time to time but not as often and that is a hard reality in its own. Because it shows how much time has went by and how he is not here anymore. I was filing some papers at work the other day, boxing them up to make room for more files and there it was, Derek's old expense reports and signature, it was hard to put them in a box and put a lid on it. It just makes reality hit that time continues to go on without him. I never thought I would be where I am but it is a hard reality that never gets easier. I hope to God that everyone keeps him close to their heart and the memories as they move on with their lives also because he was an amazing man.
I sat down to work on some things at his old desk in Etown and I remember that day we got it and hauled it down there to put together. I remember putting his pictures of us and the boys on it. I also remember also walking in and seeing his smiling face look up from his desk when I walked in to visit or say hi the times I got to. He enjoyed his job and he did a great job there. I was so proud of what he had done with his career at CED and enjoyed seeing him work so hard.
Memories are a good thing these days and you just have to take them in and keep them close because that is what we have of Derek now until we get to see him again. I miss him every moment still and that will never go away but with time you learn to live with it. You never get over it or past it! I miss Your smile Derek!