Friday, October 26, 2012 Patience...

Patience is allowing time to run its course and allowing people, including ourselves, to work and grow at our own pace. Patience moves our minds away from frustrations, expectations or “shoulds” and aligns us with reality. When we are patient, our energy is available to make good things happen.

We live in a world where we want things right away

We act as if we have no time to wait

Patience has to be one of the hardest traits to master

You could be waiting on an answer that will decide your career

So many feelings you may have

Such as anxiety, nerves and worry…

Of not hearing the outcome you want to hear

Can be very difficult at times

There is a saying that says, good things come to those who wait

Romans 8 v 25, “The longer we wait the more joyful our expecting,

Be patience enough to live one day at a time as Jesus taught us

Letting yesterday go and leaving tomorrow till it arrives”

Patience with others is love

Patience with self is hope

Patience with God is faith

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 Shattered Glass

Well we are headed back from a good vacation at Disney, lots of old memories around every corner but we did our best to make new ones. I am so proud of the boys for letting themselves enjoy this trip, yes they talked about their daddy some but they just let themselves be kids and that was so amazing to see. Proud of them both even know they wore mom out!
The night before I left I knocked a wine glass off the counter and it hit the floor hard, shattering into a million little pieces. I of course cleaned it up with a broom and dustpan, then ran the vacuum over the floor. But then later that night and the next day before I left I found pieces in corners, under the table and I know a month from now I will find a piece in the most odd place. Guess that is a lot like my life, I will spend years picking up fragments of our shattered family after Derek's death. And just when I think I have it all another piece will emerge. I guess that's probably a weird way to look at it but that is what came to my mind as I was on my hands and knees cleaning it up and I don't expect anyone to understand it. It is a journey and not one that you just get over or get past, it is a part of me and my life that I know I will continue picking up all the pieces even the ones that emerge from the most odd places, even the ones that cut and leave more scars but the important thing is I never stop trying to pick it all up and make it okay for us again.

Friday, October 19, 2012 Happy 42th Birthday...

Happy Birthday my love, I can't believe that this is the second birthday without you. I sit here and I don't even have words this morning, all I can do is cry. This life is so hard without you by my side and your boys miss you so much. Some days it just doesn't seem possible that your really gone and that all our plans for the furture have changed in a heart beat. I was running last night and I rounded the corner to the house and it all flashed back how many times we had made that walk and how in a heartbeat all our dreams and moments changed. I promise to live life to the fullest, something you taught me. Live love laugh!!! I miss your smile, your voice and that feeling that everything is going to be okay when you were here. It is now all up to me and it's too hard to bare somedays, it hurts, it is scary and I'm tired but for you I will keep pushing forward through every heart ache, every tear because I know that is what you would want me to do. Please give your boys and me the strength every day to live this life the best we can. We love and miss you so much! Headed to Disney soon and it will be so bittersweet, we will see memories everywhere there but we will make new one for you. Hope you are celebrating in an amazing way today. The boys will release a balloon and eat your favorite sugar cookie with icing today!!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012 Roller Coaster Continues...

Well yet again the roller coaster continues with it's ups and downs on this journey of mine, some days I'm laughing, some days I cry, some days my head is spinning and sometimes I just feel like I'm hanging upside down ready to crash to the ground. It gets freaking exausting tell you the truth, I get to feeling really good and even going up hill I feel strong and then it falls out from under you. Sometimes it is a moment, something I do myself and sometimes it is something someone else does to knock you off course. But as I have every time I will take this as something to help me refocus on this new chapter that it seems to be and as in the past it will teach me something and help me on this little road I'm on. Because God must have a plan in my life and that is all I can have faith in through the good and bad. Right now I am looking at how I exactly appoarch this next chapter, I have debated on going back to counseling because it does help but sometimes the talking just gets on my last nerve. The counselor is great, and it does help to get it out but in the end he really doesn't give me the answers, I end up fiinding them by talking it out and answering some of his questions. Sometimes I find that my way is still unclear, life goes so fast that it's hard to keep it all in focus. There is no button in life that is labeled replay, time is a gauge that reminds me to remember to grab all I can in life. For me it is hard to set back and let things come together rather God is in control or not, that is probably my main problem since the accident. I look around at family and friends and we all have our own story that makes us who we are, it shapes us but in the end I really think that we have to decide how much that stuff really defines us, it is different for it to teach us something but we should never let events or things in our life define who we are. So I don't know what I will do to refocus this time, for now I will take some me time and go on vacation with my kiddos to Disney and face it with a new attitude when I return. Until then I will have fun and enjoy my friends, and stop overthinking every detail of my life. Just a little bump in this journey of mine, that's all!!!!
Just remember... Life is short, live every moment like it's your last...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012 Finding ME...

Who Am I?
How did I get here?
Where am I going?
What has my husband's death taught me?

These are just a few of the questions I have struggled with for over a year, they come and go, sometimes I feel like I got the answer and some I still struggle with. Figuring out who I am has been a constant struggle but I really feel that I am getting there.
I have dealt with depression, insomnia, anxiety. I have been hurt and cried myself to sleep many times. You think anything is easy after going through losing a spouse but nope it never gets easy, every thing in life is difficult, being a single mom, being overwhelmed daily on how to get it all done. Every relationship is effected and harder but stronger. I have gone through the anger stage many times. I have screamed at God, I have screamed at Derek.
Through it all I have learned so much.
I push myself daily to do things I sometimes don't know if I can achieve but I do them anyway.
I have learned how much my family and friends really do love me. Far more then I realized and far more then I will ever understand.
I have pushed toxic people out of my life, and at this point in my journey, my boys and my happiness and comfort are what matters most.
I have learned to ask for help, still struggle with this one but I am getting there.
I have learned that even know I felt like the world should stop once Derek wasn't in it that it doesn't. It keeps going on rather I want it to or not. And I am now glad for that.
I have learned to be proud of myself and my accomplishments every day, little or big.

Who Am I? I am me and I am okay on my own two feet. I was a good wife and I am a good mother to our boys. I loved my husband beyond words and he knew that, he was an amazing man who taught me so much and that is why I am where I am today. I will always put my boys first and make them have the best life I can. I will be happy again, live life and love again. That's all I need to know for now and I am proud of that.

How did I get here? Well that's a hard one according on how you look at it. All I know is I had help, alot of help. Don't get me wrong I am proud of myself but I had help. Help from family and friends, help from Derek and help from God. Someone said the other day that I have a lot of outside influence in my life. And I guess they were right, but it is good influence and it is what helps me when I still have bad days and that shouldn't be a bad thing. If that outside influence ever got to be bad then I would cut it out of my life but what I have now is all a positive influence in my life.

Where am I going??? This is a big one and hard for me!!! I am a Type A personality I have been told by a number of people and I like to control a few things in life and I have no patience. So me knowing what my life is going to look like tomorrow or next year is so difficult for me but I am trying to learn patience. Nothing in this life is guaranteed and life is full of chances you just have to be strong enough to take them. So I will continue to struggle with this one. Don't get me wrong I have my own thoughts on what my life will look like but I will keep those to myself.

What has my husband's death taught me??? ALOT!!! Good and Bad! It has taught me that life can change in a second and that you have to let the people around you know that you love them and don't sweat the small stuff. I will love stronger and deeper, I will appreciate everything in life even on the hard days. I have learned to give myself a little break sometimes that I can't do it all and that I sometimes need my time.

Do I love life everyday, I try to, I think I will always have my days and always have this sadness because of what I have been through and I would hope that anyone in my life would understand that and take it very serious and understand that it is a part of me and I don't think anyone would expect it to be any different. You never get over it you just learn to live again!!!

Friday, October 12, 2012 Live Like That...

"Live Like That"

Sometimes I think, What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory, When I'm home where my soul belongs
Was I love, When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those, Was my worship more than just a song
I want to live like that, And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do, Points to You
If love is who I am, Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that
Am I proof, That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart, Do I live like Your love is true
People pass, And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed,When they see me, do they see You
I want to live like that, And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do, Points to You
If love is who I am, Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that
I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King
I want to live like that, And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do, Points to You
If love is who I am, Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned, Never holding back
I want to live like that
I want to live like that

 

I heard this song this morning and it made me think of a conversation Derek and I had a couple times. My dad always taught me growing up that relationships and friendships are a two way street. He always said that if we go visit someone then they should do the same and if they can't then it must not be important enough in their life because it is a two way street and if they don't come see him when he is alive don't come to his funeral. Derek and I talked about what that would be like, who would come to our funeral and what people would say of us when we were gone. Of course we never knew that we wouldn't be old and gray when this would happen but it was always the same. Derek wanted people to remember him as a loving and Godly man who loved his family and friends. It was pretty simple for him, he wanted to give his boys what his real father never gave him as a child and that was a good Godly father who loved them and was there for them, and thank God Derek did get his Godly father with Ralph to teach him that. That was the most important thing to him was to show them what a good father was, and he did that so well and it breaks my heart that it was taken from them and him way too soon. He could never stand people blaming their past on how they treat people today because he knew first hand that it was a choice to live better and learn from how other people treat you. It wasn't a good enough excuse to say well this happened to me so that is why I did it, he knew first hand.

Anyway looking back I think Derek did exactly what he wanted. At his funeral I was completely numb physically, emotionally and mentally because that was the only way to get through it. But I remember the number of people that came and the wonderful things they said about Derek. I always knew what a wonderful man he was but to see and hear so many people that he touched everyday made me so proud and I think he would be proud. People came and stood in line for two hours just to pay their respects. Some saw him monthly, weekly or daily but they were all so touched by what an amazing man he was. Some were high school friends that hadn't seen Derek in years but still told me how much he meant to them. That was breath taking to me in so many way.

So where does that put us today in this world without him, well it should teach us to try and live a better life, to put God in our life and tell the ones around us that we love them and what they mean to us. I never in a million years thought we would or could live our lives without Derek but now we don't get to change that or have a choice. I get up each day knowing that it can all change in a blink of an eye. Every day and every choice we make is ours!!!  

Thursday, October 4, 2012 Bad Dreams...

Found another bad thing about sleeping alone and not having another adult in the house. What a night of restlessness, must have been something I ate. Remember those dreams you had as a kid that you woke up screaming out, heart racing, you wanted to hide under the covers and didn't want to put your feet down on the floor. Well that was my night, kind of funny, I have had very few of those in my adult life but for some reason I woke up at 4:00 am screamed out enough to wake me, my heart was racing and I was scared to death. I had to pee plus a pounding headache but I felt like a child that was scared to get out from under the covers. The few dreams I have had like that I always woke Derek enough to tell him I had a bad dream, he would put his arms around me and tell me it's okay and I would go back to sleep. But not this morning, this morning I laid there and debated with myself about the dream and that it was just a dream, to get out of bed and take something for my head. So eventually I did but of course I turned on every light in the house on the way. Weird thing is I remember very little of the dream, I remember two parts, one part the boys and I were in a van and had a little fire in the dash, so I got the boys out and stood there staring at my cell phone knowing I had nobody to call and ask to come get us or help. Then the last part I remember hearing someone yelling mom and I was locked in a basement, I busted down the door and started screaming for the boys and I woke up screaming, weird dreams!!!!
I guess in the end it's a lot like my life, I could choose to hide under the covers and be scared to live or face the world everyday and most people would probably understand that but I refuse to do that, I pull myself up everyday and face the fear, in which it makes me stronger and more independent on my own.
Then every little thing tried to knock me down this morning but I handled each one very well, didn't get upset, didn't raise my voice, just took it with a smile and patience (I know hard to believe) and in the end it all worked out good. Today will be a good day!!!!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012 15 Months Yesterday...

It's hard to believe that it was 15 months yesterday since my life completely feel apart, since I saw him, felt him breath, heard his voice, felt his warm touch or kiss. Life just flies by and we can't slow it down and we can't change it. I was reading over my personal journal last night and wow it is very interesting to read back and look over this journey that I am on. I find myself not writing as much anymore and I guess that is good. It was a good thing to do for a while and a stage I needed, I still do it from time to time but not as often. October is going to be a busy month but I am looking forward to some fun with my boys and some excited things coming up. Pictures, Disney and Halloween, it will all fly by for sure! It will all be bittersweet but it feels good to look forward to things and to see the boys look forward to things. Here's to keep going, keep smiling and laughing every day!!!

Monday, October 1, 2012 Busy Schedules...

Well things have been crazy of course which is a good and a bad thing these days. Doesn't give me much time to blog or breathe and I am sorry but I guess that is a good and bad thing also. Good that I am doing all this and don't need to blog as much but I know everyone keeps up with us on this blog and on facebook so I will try to continue to update just may be a little less or a week at a time. It has been a busy but good couple weeks so I can't complain. I think the boys and I are finding our way and really enjoying life and our new norm as they call it, still don't know how much I like that saying. Because as much new as we have and love in our life with making new memories and all there is always the old. There isn't a day that goes by no matter what we are doing that we don't talk about Derek, or think about Derek, we just have found the will and way to continue to live our lives the way he would want us to. I love seeing my boys smile and laugh. I love now that when I ask them how they are at bedtime that they say "Mom I'm really good", they are amazing little boys and I love them with all my heart. That isn't the answer every night but it is becoming more common these days. They teach me everyday how to live, smile and be happy again.
So here is a little recap of our last weeks activities since I haven't done good with posting much. Garret's baseball games keep getting rained out so no pictures of that yet. We ended our Sunday after soccer with buying Ethan a new bike, taking a long bike ride with friends and enjoying the park and some basketball in the driveway!!!

Friday, Sept 21 & Saturday Sept 22, 2012 Peyton Spent night
Picked up Peyton from school so she could spent a couple days with us, we had a good time just talking, hanging out and went to the farm and tried to fish and the kids played in the creek for a couple hours. They all three are growing so fast that I can't believe it sometimes. Fun Day!

Sunday, September 23, 2012 Traditional Huber's Pumpkin Trip....
We went and picked our traditional pumpkins at Huber's on this Sunday with Ralph, Lorrain, Rhonda, Eric and Peyton. It was also Eric's birthday. We had a great time and great weather for the day, just chilly enough to feel like fall but not too bad. The boys of course picked the biggest pumpkin they could and Ethan broke Derek's rule of "if you can't carry it you can't have it" but I let him break it anyway, he was able to roll it so I had to give in.

Monday, September 24, 2012 Ethan's Soccer...
Ethan had a make up soccer game this night and they all played so strong and won it. Ethan had 2 goals and was pumped up!!!! Amazing boys on the team!!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012 Mark is Leaving...
Thursday we had a little get together for Mark because they are moving to Bowling Green, I am going to miss them so much. Mel, Mark and Ellie have been a huge part of our lives for years and they really stepped up when I needed them in the past year. I am so glad Derek and I enjoyed dinner with them the Tuesday before the accident. I remember leaving dinner and Derek saying we have to do that again soon.

Saturday, September 29, 2012 Soccer Tournament...
Due to being a busy weekend with Ethan's soccer tournament I haven't downloaded any pictures of the tournament yet, but will soon. The only one I have is of the three soccer players in the hot tub in between games and Reece enjoying it with them. They played three hard games but only won one out of three. So proud of the way they played this weekend and that is what matters, they had hard teams and they didn't back down till the last minute. Ethan, Evan, Brant and Reece rocking the hot tub!!!