Sunday, September 9, 2012 Here again...

Wow what a day it has been!!! Sometimes I just don't know anymore. You go along doing okay, feeling happy and laughing but then it just hits you. I am so tired of explaining how I feel, what I feel and why I feel it. If your not in my shoes you will never get it. And why do you even try, you either just accept I am me and the journey I am on or seriously just stop trying. I have never asked anyone to really understand, just be patient and love me for me, try to help where you can and give me strength when I fall. Because I will fall, that is one thing I can promise. So when I do, be there to pick me up especially when you might have helped knock me down even if it wasn't on propose, don't walk away. I will never understand how someone can walk away when a person is hurting so bad already. Yeah I know I'm all over the place with this post but just trying to get it out of my head so I can sleep. I just have so many friends dealing with so much right now and me included that I just don't get it.
I don't think anyone can understand how deep things hurt for me now. The littlest things go so deep. I have little to give most days and what I do give well it's a lot.
Where do any of us go from here. I want to be happy, I want to smile and laugh, I did a lot of that this weekend and tonight. But there is always a pain that will be there, and I have accepted that and know it is part of it. There will always be a void that can't be filled but I will still love again and be happy again. Our happiness is in our control, nobody else's. Yes we all have bad shit happen to us, I will be the first one to tell you that. But what we do with that bad shit and how we let it define us well that is our choice. Some people make good decisions and are happy other struggle their whole life and before you know it you lose too much and let the important things pass you by and I refuse to let that happen. Does that mean I know what my life looks like a year from now or even tomorrow, no it doesn't. But like the widow article I posted the other day, it's a choice and I choose to live.
I can promise one thing in my life and that is that I will be okay and my boys will be okay. That is the two important things in my life, those are the only two things that are my responsibility at this point. I pray that all my friends, family and I find more peace in the things that we have in our life. Life is short and you have to smile and take it head on. No hiding, no running and no avoiding it, yes it is scary trust me with that but it is the life we are given to live. Good, bad and ugly!!! Live the life you want to and do it right because guess what, you only get one chance!!!