Sunday, September 9, 2012

I'm laying here and I can't clear my head. My brain, mind and heart have been so heavy these days. I struggle so much with the not knowing how life will be without him. I mean I know we will be okay but it's just I don't know. Like I've said before I can't explain the stuff in my head sometimes. I had a good cry and talk with Derek yesterday morning while driving back from my work trip. Those are always so much raw pain but always make me feel stronger afterward. I always just wonder afterwards does he hear me and how does this heaven thing really work. But after picking up my boys and spending the day and evening with them yesterday I know God and Derek heard me because my boys were smiling yesterday and it was their good true smile, not the one that it use to be, that one is gone with Derek but it was a new one and a good one. They laughed hard, smiled and talked so much that I know Derek had to hear me the many times I've told him "if you can do anything, help our boys" because that part breaks my heart. I have told Derek and God from the beginning to please help them and give them peace and happiness, I've cried it, I've yelled it and I've prayed it.
I'm laying beside Ethan right now because he wanted to sleep with me and I hear him breathing, I so miss hearing Derek breathing beside me, heck I even miss when he would snore once in a while. But all I can think about right now is Ethan being baptized next weekend. I am so honored that he wants me to do it. I just always assumed he would want one of his uncles to do it but last year he was like mom I want you to and it was so bittersweet. I know Derek should be here to do it, it is his place to do it but I will do my best. I have no idea what to say that's where I struggle, I want to make his daddy proud but it has to be about Ethan. So I hope God and Derek help me find the words. Wow it's next weekend, time is flying by so fast these days. I guess I better figure out what I will say and what to do. He said he just wants to go fishing afterwards, that boy is so all about fishing he is funny. We built a fire last night and talked till late. Have to say it was the first fire I built all by myself in our fire pit and it turned out good. It was so good to sit and just see them laughing and talking.