Monday, June 3, 2013 Along the way...

Encyclopedia defines GRIEF is a mulit-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, coginitive, behavorial, social, and philosophical dimensions.
Some days the grief will hit you like a tons of bricks and it seems like it just happened yesterday and then there are days that you get through the day without the pain hitting, I am guessing that it will always be like that. I have been asked by different people when I feel that you get over grief, well I don't think you ever do. Time does not end the grief or stop the pain of losing someone you love. My new "normal" is part of my regular life, it is good and I am starting new chapters but some days it seems like I am watching from a different view. Like there is no way I can be doing this and living this life. Time does not make the grief go away it just helps you heal and helps it get easier but it is always there. Time is just a reason for the rest of the world to think you are all healed and over your grief but that's not how it works for us who live it. I will admit that time does help, it does make the pain less raw, it makes the memories easier to smile at and cherish. It helps me cherish every moment of time that I have now with the people that I love.
For me as I've said before it is the anxiety that gets me everytime, my mind can put me into a crazy spin that makes me feel like I can't breathe. Just the past couple weeks I have been getting a lot of anxiety about Sunday June 2nd (23 months) and the 2 year mark coming up. But once Sunday came I was okay, I had a good day and didn't really think about it much during that day. Of course it would pop in my head here and there but all and all I was good. It is just a date, I don't miss him any more that day then I do any other day that goes by.
I have learned that everyone's grief is different and everyone has to deal with it in their own way and it will make you the person you are in the end. I am not the same person I was two years ago, there is good and bad to that. I miss the old me sometimes, not being scared of things and having that security. But I also like who I am now and I try to embrace it everyday. I try not to let the grief and Derek's loss to take anymore from me and our boys then it already has. But there are days that I can't believe that life is what it is without him. I look too far ahead at our boys life without their father in it and all the things he wanted to do with them. But in the end it will be okay, we will be okay.