Had a friend send me that yesteday and it was fitting. I am getting there, it is not a fast process and I hope everyone understands that but I have had some good days and I am doing okay. I have received a number of emails the past couple weeks and I guess it makes me understand a couple things. That people still think of us and care about us, and it is wonderful that they do and show it. But it also shows me that a lot of people read this blog which is a good and bad thing. I have several times thought about stopping and I do keep a journal at home but then like tonight decide to write and clear my brain because it helps. But the second thing it shows me is that 30 people can read this and read between the lines or come to their own thoughts on how I am or what I am talking about. Funny because when I read back over things sometimes I guess I can see. The entire thing is that I have had a lot happen in 11 months and it all effects me daily and it is a roller coaster of emotions but I am healing and I am doing okay. Yes I still have bad days or moments and I would hope that everyone would expect that for a long time but I have good days too and I smile a lot more, and my friend and family like when I smile, but Derek will always be a part of me and my life no matter what, that doesn't mean I am not healing or living it just means he is always with us and I know everyone will understand that. It is not always a rough road it is just when I get on my blog is when I am home at night, not sleeping and thinking, that is when my mind really messes with me. This is not a journey to be ran, one day at a time but I am getting there better every day. It's like I said before, the little things I am starting to enjoy around the house again, it's the things that I feel good about when I do them on my own. Sometimes all the stuff in my head I don't even get and that is why I have done the couseling before and went to visit recently but he tells me I am doing everything right and that I need to give myself a break some and continue to do what I am doing, he has offered for me to bring anyone family or friends with me if I want but I don't know yet. Doesn't really give me answers but I guess I continue on this journey and hope that I grow and that the pain gets better when it has those days that it is so raw, that is called grieving and it's part of the healing that I need. I can't expect anyone to read anything I write and understand it, you can't till you have been here so please never try to get it or understand or think that you know what I need or don't need because nobody does but me and some days I still don't know. Just be here for me, talk and listen, that's all I ask!!! And pray for us!!!
I know Derek is never coming back and I know that we have to live and that is what I am trying to do, on the good and bad days.
So I will try to make sure I am also putting the good things on the blog too, not just the rough nights and thought but that is part of it. Thanks everyone who has sent emails, text and the memories that I requested for the boys, they were all wonderful to read and I know the boys will love the book I am making.
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