Well I've struggled with this post, even the first sentence I have typed and retyped, so much in my head these days. Many people have texted or sent me messages that mean so much to me and I want to thank you and please always continue to do so, because some days that is what helps me continue on this journey and continue to write this blog. I have had a number of people ask why I do it or not understand since everyone sees it but I can't explain, if you know me I don't open up to many people at all, I keep my crap to myself and my pain not many people see or see me cry but for some reason I have gotten to where this is good for me and I just don't think about how many people read it, even know after some post I feel like oh no people might read into that or not even understand what I am talking about but I just figure it's for me so let it be, it is what it is and even if I explain myself better then all this, nobody will ever understand unless you are in this place I am, and I don't wish that on anyone in this world, so bear with me. The text and messages mean so much to me that everyone sends, especially when they are friends that I didn't always get to talk to every day or friends that tell me how wonderful Derek was and how special we were together. People that knew him, knew us or didn't even know him and us before this blog.
For now I feel I am at such a crossroads or something, don't even know what word I would use but at 11 months I didn't know where I would be but I know it's a struggle. The pain, the numbness, the knowing it is forever is more then I can bare some days but I do know that I am here and I have to continue to grow, heal and be okay. How do I do that? That's the part I am struggling with the most. I've tried a lot of things the past 4-6 months off and on, some have worked, some have hurt like hell, and some I have totally crashed and burned on. I have made some really good choices, I have made some mistakes, I choose to forgive, and that goes forgiving others and myself.
I don't know if I can or want to explain in this blog the raw feelings that come with losing the one soul mate you get in this world but it is a raw pain down to the soul that hurt like no other pain, and every little hurt after that is even stronger and hurts deeper. The physical pain that I went through is nothing, I would take it back every day with no pain meds instead of this one I have that losing Derek left, and the people that saw me in the hospital with a sheet holding me together will understand what I am talking about, and yes I remember that pain, I remember more then you would think about those days. But as much as I wish there was a pill or a button to push or doctor to help, nothing will numb this one. I refuse to take a pill to make it better for a little time because at some point you have to feel it and deal with it, and learn to live with it. I told a friend of mine the other day that lost his wife a little time after I lost Derek that I don't want to hurt so bad anymore but I know it will always hurt some and I want it to, but everyone will not understand that but he does. For me right now it's being okay with just being me, alone. I know from all the text from family and friends that I'm not completely alone but I hope everyone understands the alone I am talking about, it's that place nobody can fill or fix but me. It's not having someone to come home to and tell how my day was, or to have someone to want to know you so deep that they know how you feel by the look on your face or a face you make. It's those text I would get everyday at some point that make my soul smile and make you know you are where you should be. I will say the text and friends I have help with some of that but not totally. I have a lot of friends that have came in my life, some have stayed and some have choose to leave that can really make me know that it will be okay and I will get stronger. Some friends can't handle that they can't fix all this for me so some choice to walk out of my life because they can't handle that, I try not to be angry because I understand it is not easy on their side either, if they knew Derek then they are probably trying to deal with their own grief also and then others that never got the opportunity to know Derek just can't handle that they can't fix it or help, what they don't seem to be able to understand is that being in my life period is helping even know they can't fix it for me. I have to understand that this life is not easy to understand, that people will not always be able to get this journey, or what I do but I trust myself and that is what matters for me, and I trust that the people that are able to handle that they can't fix it and that they want to be in our life will be there and stand strong for us, but I do understand that not everyone can handle that, so I make a choice not to be angry with people to try not to let it hurt so much but it is hard to lose important relationships in my life at this point. I have had things happen, people hurt me, and people break me and bring me to my knees but in the end it is what I choose to do with those situations, I choose to learn from them and let it make me stronger. Just please don't ever give up on me if you can handle it. Be my friend, listen to me but always share your problems and talk to me also, because that is what friendship is, I can't fix your problems either but just having someone to talk to is the world sometimes but I understand that it is hard but I will be patient also. People will never understand my journey or my life, but the ones that love me no matter what are who will help me stand in the end but most of all I have to stand on my own, as hard as that is and as lonely as that can be some days, it is what I have to do. Yes I have family, friends and my boys but I have to know that I can be okay being here and alone. It's a humbling thing, it is a painful thing, but it is something I need so much for me and I'm getting there. I am doing things that I feel good about, little things that people may think are silly, like making my bed every day, picking up the house every day, hanging pictures, fixing things at the house and caring to do those things is a big thing, but nobody may not understand that. I'm still figuring it all out. It will never get easier to go to bed alone, or wake up in the morning and for a second not know the pain is there before I complete wake up. Or waking up in the middle of the night in tears and a sweat from flashbacks and nobody there to hold me. Or to just know that you are on someone's mind today!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment