Last year at this time we were laying on the beach in Montgo Bay, Jamaica enjoying the sun and thinking life had been so good to us all. I remember the room and view was amazing when we walked into the room. Derek loved the lay out of the room and walked to the baloney to look out and wanted to head to the pool bar. There were so many amazing times during that vacation so it is hard to capture them all but I want to cherish them so much. We enjoyed everyday to the fullest and then enjoyed dinner, entertianment and dancing at night. We went out for Doug's birthday dinner and walked the beach, Doug and Stephanie went in early that night so Derek and I walked down to the beach and found a cushion lounger to lay on together and just laid there and talked staring up at the stars. We talked about how lucky we had been in life, even with Garret's medical problems, my dad's accident, Rhonda's cancer, and Ralph's medical problems, our family was blessed considering all the bad things in life. We talked about how amazing our relationship had grown the past year and that it only got better with time. We laughed at some silly things in the past, when we were young and dating and we just took it all in that night laying there on the beach. Can't tell you anymore details that happened but it was a good night. Then of course there was the day we went to Dunes River Falls, Derek and Doug were not happy about the bus trip there (1 1/2 hours) but once we got there and took the boat out and climbed the falls. It was an amazing day and then it was back to the boat for a little drinking and dancing. And oh I did a little too much of the drinking part, Derek did a great job of taking care of me, well of all of us since he was a little more sober then us. He was ready to kick my butt because we had to stop four times to pee on the way back and I couldn't pee in a pringles can (don't ask) so we stopped at some places that I am surprised we got out of alive and I do remember them, it was interesting. We got back to the hotel after a 3 hours ride back (thanks to my bladder and a beer stop) and when we got back the plan was all 10 of us to shower and meet for dinner. I jumped in the shower and got ready as told to by Derek, and we went out to eat and enjoyed the night. Doug didn't make it, he was pasted out naked on the bed from what Derek told me. We all laughed so much that night, I think at ourselves and each other. They were all good nights because Derek and I were in such a good place in our lives and with ourselves, God and our family. He had always been a wonderful husband, father, son, brother, and friend to everyone around him and in that past year he even worked harder at it and I think he realized for himself just how lucky he was and what a good person he was.
A year later here I am sitting on the blenchers of the UofL Soccer Field watching my youngest play soccer with the UofL soccer players and my oldest sitting next to me. Life has for sure changed and will never be the same. I would give anything to have my husband and my life back but I know that there is nothing in this world I can do to do that, trust me I have tried. I have had horrible feeling and thoughts in the past year, I have had pain, physically, mentally and emotionally that will be with me for life. In the end we live our life like Derek would want us to until we see him again. As much as I question my faith these days, I know I have to believe that Derek is beside us and watching his boys as they grow, he would be so proud of them. I know he would be proud of me, he knew me better then anyone and even in the mistakes that I have made here and there, I know truely what we exactly thought about each other and what he would expect from me through all this. There are days where I get so angry at him for leaving me but I know that if he could change it he would in a heart beat. So I live for myself, my boys and Derek!!! Love and Miss you always, you are helping me heal everyday!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment