Tuesday, September 25, 2012 In God's Hands...

My heart is heavy today, and it isn't about my life or Derek, of course it brings it back to there but all in all I am angry with God this morning and questioning him so much. I will be attending a 7 days old babies funeral this morning and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND it one bit. It breaks my heart to see friends go through this and it is a helpless feeling to know there is nothing on this world I can do to help. So we choose to just support them and be there as they find their own healing and begin a journey that they could have never imagined being on after the birth of their little baby boy.
I of course have struggling in my faith for over a year and a lot of that is from the questions and I am working to find my way back and I know that no matter what, I do believe in God, I will never understand why things happen in this world and will never understand how bad it has to get before God puts an end to it but I will continue to try and trust him and try to not question so much.
This is what I know in all this, Derek and I did choose to get on that motorcycle, that was our decision, good bad and ugly it was a choice we made and I have to live with that. Derek died doing something he loved, he enjoyed being on that bike and feeling the freedom as he called it. Yes it was a simple mistake of someone else that took his life and changed our lives forever but in the beginning it was his choice to step on that bike. Doesn't make it any easier to accept or understand why he had to lose his life but it is what it is and not for us to understand. I know that if he knew it would have taken him from us he wouldn't have ever done it, but as Derek was he didn't think anything bad would happen.
But a sweet couple and a sweet baby boy that have no choice I will never understand, God maybe you can explain one day for now I will put my trust in you and hope that you can help this couple find some peace like you have for the boys and I. This was one of Derek's questions for you, so I hope he got all his questions answered, who knows I still joke that he is probably still asking his list of things that he said he would ask when he stood face to face with you.

Friday, September 21, 2012 Stay Positive...

Life is Good... That has been a hard one for me for a long time but today I choose to make it a good day and look at all the good things in my life. Call it me being positive or me being an optimism, whatever you want but I choose to make it good. In my life it is so easy to focus on all the bad and let it bring me to my knees all the time but I decided something last night, it is my choice to make of it what I want. Today I want to be happy and smile so that is what I am doing, it makes me feel good and it makes my boys happy. Especially when I am smiling in the morning and fixing them a good hot breakfast.
I think we all could easily look at all the bad that life tosses in our path and it has done that to us this past year but what we do with that is our choice. I am not promising I will be like this every day, if you follow my blog I have these ups and downs but I also am finding a place where I am happy with myself and that is something I have battled with for a while. In all this I had to find myself again and be okay with me and being on my own and I am getting there. I mean I have amazing friends and family in my life that help me along the way but in the end it is me on my own feet, it is all that I have struggled for the past year to have my life and give my boys a life. It is never going to be the life Derek and I planned but it can still be a different but good life. Those two boys of ours deserve that and much more. So try to focus on the good in life and don't let all the bad that goes on out there bring you to your knees, God knows there is plenty and most of it we have NO control over. Control, yeah there is a struggle in itself, I wish I could control my life but I have figured out that I only have so much, the rest well it is what it is...
So find some happiness in your life, if I can do it after everything that has happen to us then you have to be able to find some in your own life. It doesn't make the bad go away but it helps you learn to heal, be happy and be stronger, and that's all you have in this life. That's what our loved one that are gone would want for us and God knows I know way to many people that know about lose these days. Because no matter what we do it doesn't change the bad and that is what I had to finally figure out, there is no changing the outcome no matter how much I cry or how sad I am, no going back to change it. So hug your family and friends, tell someone you love them or what they mean to your life. Live Life, it is all up to you and your choice!!! What other choice do you have.
I lost an amazing husband way too soon and I will miss him every day of my life and love him till I die and see him again. But I have two amazing boys that need a happy strong mom. Two boys that are so much like their daddy that it brings a smile to my face as I type this. I choice to be happy, and I have two amazing boys that make that a little easier plus we have an amazing man in heaven looking over us. So here's to a good day...

Sunday, September 16, 2012 Ethan's Baptism...

Morning... Well today is Ethan's baptism and Derek you should be here doing it but instead I will be and there is so many mix emotions. I am so proud of him and I know that you are a huge part of why he is doing this. It was your strong faith and love that showed him so much about God. I have to get through this without tears or falling apart and that will be hard but family and friends will be there to suppose me.
After... Wow what a day full of so many emotions but in the end we made it and it was an amazing day. I was determined to make it about Ethan alone and not let him focus on Derek not being there. I think he did an amazing job. Morning started off well and I enjoyed some one on one time to talk and hang out. We eat at Bob Evans like he requested with Lorrain, Ralph, Rhonda and Peyton then headed to church. I will say it was very hard walking up to Southeast and walking into the foyer to see that Chapel door. It was only the second time being in that place since Derek's funeral and it was hard to breathe. I just tried to keep my eyes off that door but the pain was so much but I refused to let it mess up Ethan's day so we hurried onto where we were going. Once we were back in the back we sat and talked for a while. Ethan amazes me with his great personality and how funny he can be. He was asking me questions and we had a good talk. He explained again why he wanted to be baptized at Southeast and how he felt about the entire thing. He was really excited. He looked up at me right before and said "I'm finally getting baptized mom" I'm so proud of him and how he took his time to wait until he felt he was ready to do it and made it about his relationship with God. It amazes me everyday the faith they have in God after everything they have been through, I guess in a way it doesn't because they have their daddies faith. I only wish it was that easy for us adults, but of course we over think everything and make things worse doing that.
Derek's Guy that he loved to hear sing did a solo before the baptism which was just prefect. Then sitting during the service looking around that place it is a bittersweet thing there. So many memories of Easter Pageants, I could see each place we sat at every one and I could see the three different spots that we would sit at during the years we attended there side by side. He always held my hand even if we were frustrated about something, that was the place where it didn't matter in the end. There are some good but painful memories there and I am happy to have those even know they still hurt. But I know that with our new journey and path that we can continue making good and happy memories and he will watch over us and guide us.
Then we went out to the farm for lunch and some fishing. Within about an hour of fishing Ethan caught the biggest fish yet for the boys. It was 42 lbs. and he was so excited. He looked up and said "it's my baptism present" It took him a good 10 minutes to reel and let the fish get tired and then Lonny another 15 minutes to keep it close. It was amazing seeing his smile on his face.
The light is starting to come back in their eyes, it will NEVER be the same light Derek put in them but it is a light that I have faith that Derek has something to do with now. When I do pray these days I beg Derek and God to help our boys, make this better for them and let them have peace. It breaks me every day to think that they have to grow up without Derek physically by their side but they will always know he is there.

Saturday, September 15, 2012 Long Friday...

Don't know if it was the weather or what yesterday but I cried three times before 9:30 am and then had to fight it the rest of the day. Just felt very down and didn't really know why. But thanks to a couple friends touching base, then good friends taking the boys and I to dinner and good company after that it ended better. After work I just wanted to come home crawl up on the couch in my PJ's with a glass of wine, blanket and arms around me. But I don't get to do that anymore so I had my glass of wine and sat on the couch while the boys played in basement and I watched TV for a while by myself, Have to say that is a first for me. Normally I just stay busy around here and I haven't watch more then the boys shows in a year. I was okay to do it, I mean I was a little down but it ended up being okay and not completely giving in to reaching out for company too much to get me through it. Saturday is filled with fixed my toilet, touch up paint for some work I did in bathroom, work on closing pool, doing laundry way over due and soccer, concession stand, wedding and then Sunday is Ethan's Baptism. Busy weekend but good. I like to be able to fix things around the house, I mean I do need some help on some things and I have good friends that do those things for me but the boys and I have gotten pretty good at doing things around here and it feels good.
Here's to a good weekend!!!

Friday, September 14, 2012 When is it easier...

Keep wondering when every little thing will be easier, I am so tired of hurting and feeling so many ups and downs. I have had a good week, I started the week with a new look at my healing process that I knew I needed and it has been good. I am getting stronger on my own two feet and it has felt good this week. But it's all the decisions I had to make to do that and push people away that I lean on so much. It's hard you love your family and friends but at some point to have to realize and be okay with yourself and know that in the end you will be okay being alone. Don't like it and don't want to be on my own the rest of my life and I love my family and friends, wouldn't be here without them and I know they will always be there but there is a part of me that has to know that I can handle anything myself, mentally, physically and emotionally. Probably sounds dumb to most people but if you've been here you understand. I mean I had my life, we had our life planned, I knew that I never had to worry about anyone else being there because Derek would always be and maybe that is selfish but as much as we loved our family and friends, it was us. We NEVER imagined this could happen to us and I will NEVER understand why and what God's plan is when we hurt so bad. Derek had so much to give and he was taken way to soon from us. I know that I will never hurt like this ever again but it makes me so scared to feel or trust things in this world. Just a little bumpy, teary start to my Friday morning but I will be okay! Just a bump in the road!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012 New Healing...

Well today was pretty good and for no real reason besides I am standing on my own and making this work. September 6, 2011 I posted my first blog, since then I have posted 142 times and have had  8,742 page views. Besides being a great healing tool for me, it has been a great conduit for reaching out and developing some very wonderful friendships. I am humbled by the overwhelming response and all the emails and letters that I have received about our lived experiences. I would never wish this journey on anyone and never imagined I would be on it more or less live through it. Truth be told, the first year was so filled with mostly grief and the uncertainty of tomorrow. As I move forward through year two, I am coming to realize that I can stand on my own two feet, don't much like it, but can -therefore as I move through this second year I continue to learn, grow, heal and grieve. There isn't a end to the grief or the loss, you just learn to live again. Nothing or nobody can fill that piece that is missing inside of you but you learn to live with it there and know that is where you hold your deepest things and there will be days that it will hit you in the gut and take you to your knees. But there will also be good days where you will laugh, smile and enjoy living again.
I was just talking to a friend on Sunday and we were talking about some things that I have experience the past year and where I am now. I know that I am different then I was 5 months ago and I see that I am getting stronger as each day passes. My boys are laughing again and smiling a good smile, will any of it be the same, No but that doesn't mean it can't be good. The pain is always there but you learn to live with it instead of letting it define or control you.
I have tried it all and thought it all but in the end I choose to live. I have asked the questions why??? so many times it makes my head spin. Why did Derek have to Die? Why didn't Derek live instead of me? Why didn't I say no that day? Why didn't I just give up that day? It all comes down to I will never get those answers and I know that I can't keep asking them. I remember every moment of that day and I relive it in dreams, flashbacks and just random times. I remember he would reach down and rub my ankle and leg under my jeans just to say it's okay I got this. I remember his hand on the handlebar as it hit the trailer. I remember our body language when we both knew this was bad. I remember flying off and hitting the ground every time. And I remember getting up as soon as
I hit, taking three steps and falling only to have the imagine of him laying there in his white t-shirt that I loved so much, jeans and his boots face down and knowing that I couldn't get to him and they wouldn't let me. I drove that road Sunday night to Bardstown in complete silence and wondered how did our lives change in one day. How does that happen, we were happy and great one moment and in a heart beat it was gone. I passed the corner we stood on in Bardstown when he put my helmet on, kissed me and said I Love You for the last time. But during that drive to Bardstown Sunday which I have driven before I felt a little more peace knowing that I am doing what I need to do to keep my boys and me moving forward and that is what Derek would want and be proud of us for.
If you knew him, then you knew what a wonderful man he was and loved with all his heart and would do anything for anyone. He never met a stranger and always had a smile on his face. I know he is up there in heaven celebrating (if he is finally done asking all the questions he had for God) with so many wonderful men and women that I know through stories now that had their life taken way too early also. So until I see you again babe, I will miss you and love you more then life and I will continue to move forward, get stronger and learn to stand on my own.

 

Monday, September 10, 2012 I start...

Another time to take a breathe and start again. I've been having some ups and downs more then usual lately so it's time to regroup and get back on track with my healing. I do get knocked off track at the weirdest times it seems but I alway find my way back. I have to!!!
I am working to be good with me and being on my own. It is harder then you could ever imagine. You find yourself clinging to friends, family and loved one because you've already lost so much and you are so scared to be alone. I never thought I could live a day without Derek in my life and I still am amazed that I continue to do it every day. But it is a choice that I make because I can and because that is what I need, that is what my kids need and that is what Derek would expect of me.
Today was a hard day, busy at work, had some things to deal with and I did. I now am ready for a good nights sleep, clear my head and get up tomorrow strong and ready for a new day!!! I just have to turn off my Type A personaliry and wanting to know everything before it happens. Good Night!!!

Monday, September 10, 2012 Article that gets it...

for those of you that haven't gotten to read the article link I posted, this says it all and you can apply it in your own life if I can...


It's all over.

The doctors and the hospitals and the insurance companies and the tumult and the constant parades of people (well-meaning and otherwise).

The exercise in survival into which a heinously evil illness turned a once-happily bustling home.
Over.
I can't quite believe it actually happened.
He's really gone.
And the excruciating pain of anticipating the inevitability of his death?

Also gone.

The "inevitable" has arrived.
And now?
Silence.
Darkness.
Quiet.
But not a peaceful quiet.
Instead, the quiet that emptiness brings.
Calm is supposed to be peaceful, right?
This isn't calm.
This is a playground for overwhelming anxiety to freely dance.
Over and over, the same question whirled in my mind like milkshake in a blender set at high speed:

"IS THIS REALLY IT?"

And at that moment in time... it was.
So this is what it feels like.

This is widowhood.

I remember being convinced that this was indeed "it." This is now my life.

Darkness. Uneasy silence. Anxiety. A bone-chillingly cold loneliness.

This is it.
No bright future. No more laughter. No shining light in the darkness.
No love.
This is widowhood.
This is what everyone calls the "New Normal."
There is nothing "normal" about this.

All of these feelings felt as permanent as if they had been tattooed onto my heart with a jackhammer. I could not see any future from where I was sitting; on a couch in a darkened room, surrounded by the complete wreckage that was once a wonderful life.

And then I made a decision.

A conscious choice.

A declaration.

This wretched illness has already cruelly claimed my husband's life. It destroyed our family. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our plans.
Our future.
It does not get to take my life, too.
It also does not get to destroy the life of a little girl on the cusp of adolescence who has already experienced too much loss in her young life.
My spirit is definitely damaged.
By illness, by death, by people who presumably meant well... and as it turns out, didn't mean so well.

Yes, I am damaged...
...but I will not be broken.
Healing did not happen overnight. Change was not instantaneous. As with everything else, it began with a choice.
One tiny step.
One day at a time.

I decided then and there (and I invite you to decide as well):

• I am still here. Although I have experienced a devastating, life-altering event, it is because I am still here that makes me entitled to a life of abundance. I do not have to wait any specific amount of time to begin my Healing Journey and I will not feel guilty over my pursuit of healing, nor will I question my right to live a life filled with happiness.
• My Healing Journey is mine. It belongs to no one else. I cannot be compared to any other people; nor my loss to any other loss experience. I cannot "hurry up" my grief; even though there may be people around me who wish I would. I accept that healing is neither fast nor easy and therefore, I will truthfully honor whatever it is that I am feeling; rather than let others' opinions dictate how I "should" be feeling.
• On the difficult days when I feel that the faith I have in myself is wavering, I will turn to those who will breathe belief into me; rather than turn to those who might bring me down.
• My identity and my self-esteem have nothing to do with my marital status, what I look like, my career path or any material accumulation. My identity and self-esteem come from within. I recognize that what others think of me is not half as important as what I think of me. Not everyone will agree with what I do; however, as long as I am not hurting myself or anyone else, I will pursue the healing that I seek in the way(s) that I see fit
• I will limit time with Energy Drainers and welcome those that contribute to my life in positive ways. I will accept social invitations and offers of help; understanding that letting others help me is also part of their healing process.
• I will also be the one who initiates invitations for lunch, dinner or other quietly social activities with those who contribute to my life in a positive way, rather than always wait for others to ask.
• I accept that I cannot control the fact that I have suffered a devastating loss -- but I can control what I am going to do with the new life that I have been handed. I will make a list of what I would like to do and / or accomplish. It may be a new hobby, a pursuit that I had to give up and wish to resume, trying new foods, meeting new people or exploring new places. Whatever I decide to do or try, I will do so with the understanding that by exploring these new opportunities and experiences, I am not casting aspersion on my past. I am actually taking control of a situation over which I've had little or no control by embracing a future of my choosing.
• I will be proactive on my Healing Journey. I will acquire whatever tools will help me; as well as surround myself with the support of others who understand exactly what I have been through.

And through the darkness, the light began to shine again. The uneasy quiet eventually filled with laughter and hope.

The calm came.
And while certainly different from what I had planned... the future wasn't so terrible after all.

This is widowhood.

But it doesn't have to hurt forever.
It doesn't have to be dark forever.
It doesn't have to be a life without laughter, without new possibilities...
...or love.
Your "this"... doesn't have to be "it."
Make your choice.
Make your decision.
Scream your intent and declaration of healing to the world.
And journey forward.
For more information about Carole Brody Fleet and Widows Wear Stilettos, please visit

Sunday, September 9, 2012 Here again...

Wow what a day it has been!!! Sometimes I just don't know anymore. You go along doing okay, feeling happy and laughing but then it just hits you. I am so tired of explaining how I feel, what I feel and why I feel it. If your not in my shoes you will never get it. And why do you even try, you either just accept I am me and the journey I am on or seriously just stop trying. I have never asked anyone to really understand, just be patient and love me for me, try to help where you can and give me strength when I fall. Because I will fall, that is one thing I can promise. So when I do, be there to pick me up especially when you might have helped knock me down even if it wasn't on propose, don't walk away. I will never understand how someone can walk away when a person is hurting so bad already. Yeah I know I'm all over the place with this post but just trying to get it out of my head so I can sleep. I just have so many friends dealing with so much right now and me included that I just don't get it.
I don't think anyone can understand how deep things hurt for me now. The littlest things go so deep. I have little to give most days and what I do give well it's a lot.
Where do any of us go from here. I want to be happy, I want to smile and laugh, I did a lot of that this weekend and tonight. But there is always a pain that will be there, and I have accepted that and know it is part of it. There will always be a void that can't be filled but I will still love again and be happy again. Our happiness is in our control, nobody else's. Yes we all have bad shit happen to us, I will be the first one to tell you that. But what we do with that bad shit and how we let it define us well that is our choice. Some people make good decisions and are happy other struggle their whole life and before you know it you lose too much and let the important things pass you by and I refuse to let that happen. Does that mean I know what my life looks like a year from now or even tomorrow, no it doesn't. But like the widow article I posted the other day, it's a choice and I choose to live.
I can promise one thing in my life and that is that I will be okay and my boys will be okay. That is the two important things in my life, those are the only two things that are my responsibility at this point. I pray that all my friends, family and I find more peace in the things that we have in our life. Life is short and you have to smile and take it head on. No hiding, no running and no avoiding it, yes it is scary trust me with that but it is the life we are given to live. Good, bad and ugly!!! Live the life you want to and do it right because guess what, you only get one chance!!!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

I'm laying here and I can't clear my head. My brain, mind and heart have been so heavy these days. I struggle so much with the not knowing how life will be without him. I mean I know we will be okay but it's just I don't know. Like I've said before I can't explain the stuff in my head sometimes. I had a good cry and talk with Derek yesterday morning while driving back from my work trip. Those are always so much raw pain but always make me feel stronger afterward. I always just wonder afterwards does he hear me and how does this heaven thing really work. But after picking up my boys and spending the day and evening with them yesterday I know God and Derek heard me because my boys were smiling yesterday and it was their good true smile, not the one that it use to be, that one is gone with Derek but it was a new one and a good one. They laughed hard, smiled and talked so much that I know Derek had to hear me the many times I've told him "if you can do anything, help our boys" because that part breaks my heart. I have told Derek and God from the beginning to please help them and give them peace and happiness, I've cried it, I've yelled it and I've prayed it.
I'm laying beside Ethan right now because he wanted to sleep with me and I hear him breathing, I so miss hearing Derek breathing beside me, heck I even miss when he would snore once in a while. But all I can think about right now is Ethan being baptized next weekend. I am so honored that he wants me to do it. I just always assumed he would want one of his uncles to do it but last year he was like mom I want you to and it was so bittersweet. I know Derek should be here to do it, it is his place to do it but I will do my best. I have no idea what to say that's where I struggle, I want to make his daddy proud but it has to be about Ethan. So I hope God and Derek help me find the words. Wow it's next weekend, time is flying by so fast these days. I guess I better figure out what I will say and what to do. He said he just wants to go fishing afterwards, that boy is so all about fishing he is funny. We built a fire last night and talked till late. Have to say it was the first fire I built all by myself in our fire pit and it turned out good. It was so good to sit and just see them laughing and talking.

Thursday, September 6, 2012 Healing Journey...

Article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/widow_b_1842119.html

Please stop and read the above article first before you do anything else. It was on a website that I read a lot and it so majorly explains so much and makes so much sense in my world these days.
Nobody can ever understand until you have been there. For now I am getting some sleep after a 15 hour work day in Morgantown and missing my boys. But I will enjoy the quiet of my hotel room and read a little before I hopefully get a good nights sleep. Good night!!!

Monday, September 3, 2012 Getting it out...

Why does life have to be such a struggle???? Had a good day Sunday after I took a run and cried it out in the morning. Enjoyed the game and all my friends. Really good day!!! But yet here I am on Monday morning and I can't get everything settled in my head and heart. This journey is one in its own and I am so tired of trying to fight all this crap in my head and life everyday. I will continue to do it but every time I feel I got the hang of it then it punches me in the gut. Two morning in a roll in tears, what the hell!!!!
It's so hard to express what I feel and think deep inside because nobody understands. If I tell people what I think and feel they don't get it or think I'm not healing or doing okay. I am healing and doing okay but that doesn't mean it's easy every moment. It's a struggle on not feeling lost and empty all the time. I have so many great people in my life but me on my own feet and this lost empty feeling that I fight really sucks. Just really sick of this feeling that I can't explain in words to anyone expect my friends in the same boat and even at that I have a hard time opening up.
A friend told me last night that I seem to talk pretty good but I explained the deep stuff doesn't come out good. I can give you the how I do it day to day any time but to scratch under the surface well not many people get to go there not even on this blog. Really just a struggle I am having lately with I guess this stage. I need to regroup I guess. Must be something in the air because my friend in Richmond is struggling with things right now too, guess it is nice to have someone who gets it but wish we didn't have this in common.
Life is a struggle away and just need to slow down and enjoy every day but hard some times. UGH!!!!

Saturday, September 1, 2012 Tomorrow...

Well tomorrow is the big UofL vs UofK football game, it was always Derek and my favorite game, we never took the kids to this one and always had a great time. Tomorrow will be hard but I will put on a smile and keep going while holding it all together. That's what I do and have to do. I am looking forward to going to the game with all my friends and enjoying the game. The other part of me well it takes my breath away some. Tomorrow is not only the game it is 14 months since that horrible day, it still doesn't seem possible that our life has changed and that Derek is really gone forever. But we will continue to move forward and breathe through the day. This will be the first 2nd day of the month I spend away from the boys all day, that is a huge struggle for me but I know it is a step and they never know what the day is so they need to enjoy their day and time with family to smile and laugh. I will be okay and stand on my own tomorrow with the help of so many friends around. I will put on a smile, tie my shoes up tight and be okay!!!!
I know Derek is up there and he already knows who is going to win and is celebrating already!!! Enjoy the day babe, I know you will be there with me and will be my strength as always!!! Love and Miss you every moment!!!